SALUTATIONS

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Karnas TickroBlog

Tuesday, 30 December 2008

A MYSTERIOUS NOTE

As you may know, I, Jacob Karnas, have been cataloging stories and other bits of information originally penned by an Englishman which I am compiling into my Mediocre and Macabre section of this blog. I realise that I have given very little information as to who this man was while giving you a great deal of information as to what he had done during his long life.

The man was Percy Chesterfield-Kensington, born 1 June, 1860 in London to Lord and Mrs. Percival Chesterfield-Kensington III. At the moment, that is all that is necessary.

In the stacks of papers I have collected, I found a note written on a torn leaf of paper. It is only the first half, however, and after some thought I decided to include it, although it gives very little information about this great man's life. Here, below, is that note.

--------------------

FROM THE DESK of Percival Roderick Ignatius Chesterfield-Kensington IV, Esq.

My dear Mr. D------,

It is of greatest importance that I share this with you.

On my last holiday to the south of France, I was informed that a dear friend of mine, Charles B-----------, had passed on and his Summer home near Nice had been left to me. I journeyed there by cab and proceeded to excavate the items left on the premises as had also been requested in the will.

As I moved on through the rooms, I found the most incredible trinkets. One of which was a

--------------------

Unfortunately, that is where the page was torn. I assure you, Reader, when I find the second half it will surely be posted promptly, as I (and hopefully you, Reader) am very intrigued to find out what was found by our subject.

[That is all]

Thursday, 25 December 2008

On France

Let me just say this: I despise France.

ALL of it.

Almost as much as I despise Ireland. I will detail that later. To great length.

As for France, the reasons for my hate are as follows:

1. The language is condescending. Not so much the people (cretins) who use it, but the entire tone in which it is spoken is of such that the listener feels stupider with every word. This is mainly due to the fact that each word is elongated and sounds much like a camel urinating. If you've never experienced a camel urinating, repeat this phrase: "Bonjour, comment alez-vous?" That is what a camel urinating sounds like. Dreadful.

2. The Notre Dame Cathedral. The fact that a Frenchman wrote a story about the plight of a deaf and dumb misshapen creature living in the bell tower of one of France's greatest landmark goes to show you what these people (cretins) think of religion. ALSO: The name was taken by an American college who dubbed themselves the "Fighting Irish". Did I mention that I hate Ireland?

3. They are undoubtedly fudge-packers. With their love of chocolate, was this any surprise? They love it almost as much as those horrible Germans, only French chocolate tastes like some type of rubber dropped into a pile of sewage. How do I know what that tastes like, you may ask? I've eaten Turkish food.

4. They are swarthy. With their black and white striped skin-tight shirts and beanie-caps, puffing on cigarettes and prancing around on docks, these people most definitely know every kind of sexual disease first-hand. And they take pride in this (note: the French disease).

5. Their Eiffel Tower is nothing more than a giant penis.

These are the reasons I despise France.

[That is all]

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

ON THE ELECTION

I AM HAPPY that people are happy.

I am also upset that so many people are happy.

I look at the election results and view it as the "change wanted", not the "change needed".

The whole campaign was based on outward appearances. This is apparent due to McCain's age, Obama's race, McCain's "Alzheimer's-look", Obama's religious affiliation... I have spoken with many people who voted for Obama simply because he is black.

I am commonly mistaken for being black. I am really a Maori Pacific Islander. For my entire life, barely anyone has properly guessed my race. Mostly, people think that I am black. I have found that it doesn't change people's idea of who you are. There are good people and bad people in every race, every religion, every age.

Look at Adolf Hitler, for instance. He was a bad person. He killed many officials on his way to becoming Germany's Chancellor, save for von Hindenberg, who died just before he could be done in himself. But did the general public know about this? Of course they didn't. This new chancellor had been making everything better. He was building new roads, new structures, making the economy better. He was a change.

Then he went public with his plans.

I am also Jewish. If you know me in real life, you probably know that I am. I am commonly referred to as "Jacob the Jew", "Jake-A-Jew" or just "Jew". These are my friends, joking because "it's okay". It really isn't. I never proselytized the fact that I'm Jewish. They don't mean any harm, they're just joking around. I understand this. However, I have been verbally assaulted, spit upon and physically threatened on multiple occasions because of the fact that I am Jewish.

People in this country are afraid of one religion above all others. Islam is foreign in all aspects. Sure, the Jewish faith came from near the same area, but we are able to blend in most times. We don't look so different. Wearing a yarmulke, it appears, is less threatening than wearing a hijab.

I understand this. Radical Islam is a very prevalent force in the Middle East. Governments are ruled my extremist Muslims who force strict Koranic law upon their peoples.

It's all relative.

Another note. One such country was attacked by the United States in 2003. It's dictator, a man hated by the citizens of the United States since the late 1980s was overthrown. His name? The middle name of our president-elect.

It is understandable why many are frightened.

You may argue, "if so many people are scared of him, why did he win the election?"

The answer to this is is another question: "What about the rest of the country who did not vote for him?"

So often, people look only at their views. I am not conservative, I am moderate. I look at both sides: Republican and Democratic. If I agree, I agree. It doesn't matter which party, as long as it seems right. I voted no on a law attempting to amend homosexual marriage law that would then make it impossible to ever come to be. How many Republicans would do that?

It's not about party. So many people think "the other party is bad". People can vote however they feel regardless of party-affiliation. It is ridiculous how many people sent me texts belittling me for voting McCain, how many laughed in my face. One friend even said "the conservatives" were immature at the McCain rally last night.

How many liberals were immature to me last night? It happens on both sides. Don't be so blind. I didn't throw a fit, I didn't walk around angry last night. I was having a good time with my friends who were happy that their candidate won. That's what I would have wanted had my candidate won, but I'm sure it wouldn't have happened that way if he did.

[That is all]

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

On Arthur Conan Doyle

I am not going to say that I was the extreme basis for the character Sherlock Holmes, but I will say this: I was the basis for Sherlock Holmes.

While in my final year at the University of Edinburgh in 1880, I met a man by the name of Arthur Conan Doyle. He was an interesting man, fascinated with writing short stories with dreams of sailing a flying ship lifted by balloons across the Atlantic. I was quick to ridicule him for his Verne-ian thoughts and brought his attention to crime stories, stating that "if man were meant to fly, he would have been born with twin Pratt & Whitney J58 engines complete with afterburner and wings". I do not regret this.

During my free time at the university, I enjoyed playing the violin. I also had an incredible knack for being able to tell you bits of obscure information about yourself merely by seeing your clothing. I left the university after graduating in 1881. I met Doyle again in 1886 while traveling through Southsea in Portsmouth. I was in dire need of morphine and stopped into a small physicians office only to find that the physician was none other than Doyle!

He had been writing a short story entitled "A Tangled Skein". It was then that I learned that I was the basis for his main character, Sherlock Holmes. He told me that he had read Poe's "The Murders in the Rue Morgue" and had become quite fond of crime stories. This may be true, however the bastard always credited that hack Dr. Joseph Bell as his inspiration for Holmes. What a prick.

A great friendship grew from that day on. I accompanied Doyle to Brattleboro, Vermont in the United States in 1893. He was visiting his acquaintance Rudyard Kipling and proceeded to instruct him in the game of golf. It was a jolly good time, all except for the time when Kipling called Doyle a "filthy tea cozy", resulting in Arthur knocking him unconcsious during a bout of fisticuffs.

Doyle and I kept in close contact over the years until his death in 1930. In his will, he left me a pipe and magnifying glass, which I took to mean his quiet apology for the Bell/Holmes connection. In return, I added the unbelievably un-Victorian deerstalker hat to the character's appearance. See you in hell, Doyle.

[That is all]

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

ON OCTAVE MIRBEAU

IN 1884, when Octave Mirbeau began writing Le Calvaire, I visited him in his cottage (for he had sent out for a typist as he was badly scarred from a gunpowder accident [prank] while he was in the army). Leo Tolstoy was there, too.

Now Mr. Mirbeau was an odd fellow. I recall hearing him sing to himself to the tune of Liszt's "Hungarian Rhapsody #2", mainly the finale that you hear in those Tom and Jerry cartoons. The lyrics were his own, of course. I do not wish to relate them now, as they were so grotesque and sexually explicit, they would give even the Marquis de Sade nightmares. The oddest thing, though, is the fact that he DID delight in chasing mice about with hammers and mallets. Odd fellow indeed.

Perhaps this was but a prelude to his "Torture Garden" and Diary of a Chambermaid".

Anyways, one Summer morning I awakened to find Mr. Mirbeau hovering above my bed holding a typewriter. Also, he was nude. This did not bother me so much as he was holding the machine so it covered his genitals. I did, unfortunately, have quite a difficult time typing on it and thus sent for a replacement. Tolstoy was not amused.

In time, a fond friendship grew between Mr. Mirbeau, Mr. Tolstoy and myself. On many occasions, I accidentally called Mr. Tolstoy "Mr. Dostoevsky". He would laugh and laugh and then hold me captive in the icebox. He said it was like Russia in Winter. I told him he had never been to Siberia. He said "Dostoevsky has!" then laughed heartily. We then joked about "Crime and Punishment", until I realised that I was really talking aboiut "War and Peace". He would then lock me in the icebox again.

After shadow-writing for Mirbeau, I left. I do not know what happened to them after that year and a half I spent in his cottage. Nor do I know who his typist was for his later works. I can only assume that a parcel I received three years later from an "Otto and Leo" was really from them. I could not tell. It was an envelope addressed to me: no letter, nothing inside.

Odd fellows indeed.

[That is all]

Sunday, 12 October 2008

AN INQUEST (PART II)

AS A BONUS, dear Readers, here is the sequel to the previous poem. But first, here is the story of why I wrote them:

When I was a lieutenant in Her Majesty's Royal Army, I was stationed in India. This land promised an extension of our great Empire and brought many opportunities, especially to our more seasoned officers. All day, they would laze about in the shade of an umbrella, their wide, bushy white moustaches quivering from the humidity, eating their sweets and sipping West Bengalese Darjeeling. This was the rest they deserved after long, tedious careers of attending royal parties thrown by influential aristocrats and marching up and down the square.

Anyways, once, I had the honour of shaking hands and having a cup of tea with none other than royal adviser and former Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli. I have, alas, forgotten most of the details (for what we spoke of was droll and of little interest to me). I can tell you this, however: I was thinking of my wife back in England, and it was for her that these two poems were written. My pretty little Eleanor, with eyes like daffodills and hair like the Summer sun. Whose skin was soft and radiant like the sky above. Either her or the beautiful native courtesan girl I had buggered when we crossed through Badnur.

An Inquest (Part II)

Depression. Gloom. Dust. Blood.
Tears; Streaming from a picture,
Smeared. Ruined voices in a bowl

Devestation. Things aren't as they seem.
Words flowing through the air.
Restitution of oneself. Retribution in of oneself,
In fear

Revolt. The overthrow.
Wonderous battles in your mind,
For the greater good; to realise

Volume. Louder, by the second. A noise,
The sound of your voice, softly.
Utter what is, what is not. Somewhere.
Someday. Sometime

Venomous. Sharp and painless.
Elastic looks; craving. The expressions burn,
An unyielding desire

Carnal. Urge. Lust.
Senses lead to nervous actions,
For tonight. Why not always?
They are ours to share

Sickness. Love. Care.
Think. This may go on beyond.
What's next? Has the good come?
I've said it before, dear.
It has already come

[That is all]

AN INQUEST

IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT to my attention, Readers, that you thirst for CREATIVITY. Here, I bring nothing but the best. However, if I find that any of my work has been stolen, I will surely alert the proper authorities.

To best ensure your non-capture and severe punishment by torture, I implore that you, dear Reader, purchase the U.S. Safe Use and Practices of Copyrighted Works manual. This guide will teach you how to read, view and use copyrighted literature, motion pictures and the like. The U.S. Safe Use and Practices of Copyrighted Works manual can be found out front of Mr. Sam's barber shop at 140 Adams St. in West Newton, Massachusetts, sold by a small orphan under my employ.

AND NOW: Another poem.

An Inquest

Death. Love. Destruction. Beginnings.
Blossoming; Forced words uttered under,
Sex. Broken thoughts upon the floor

Tenacious. Truth brings a new light.
Average persons meeting in average places.
Thoughts become actions. Actions become moments,
In time

Intermission. Events held in history.
Puzzle pieces, fitted together to create,
On a larger scale; a lifetime

Birth. Anew, slated by ages. A testimony,
To reason, an answer to why.
The questions, a plethora. Where, you ask.
What. Who and How

Wonderment. Disbelief and disillusion.
Fortunes fade; an epoch. Reality brings,
To you an understanding

Sadness. Deceit. Lies.
Rigorous facts find new owners,
Every day. Where are we?
We have become the wind

Darkness. Bursts. Fog.
Breathe. The worst has passed us by.
What's next. Is the good to come?
It's here for us now, dear.
It has, already come

[That is all]

Saturday, 11 October 2008

The 100% Always On-Time Always Reliable See You Never Exit

HERE, for your amusement, Reader...

ANOTHER POEM! Along the same lines of the last, this is, I am sorry to say, not ANYWHERE near as happy as the last... yet it will still AMAZE you.

Enjoy:

The 100% Always On-Time Always Reliable See You Never Exit

Deceit. Lies. Resentment. Pain.
Words; tumble out of your mouth,
Recognisable, they change everything

Anger. Words cannot describe
Burning radiantly through.
I try to hide. But the anger burns true,
And Darkens

Transformation. You're different.
You aren't who you were,
You've changed; I see

Trusting. Leaving. Wallowing.
Enslaved. Sadness crawls inside.
Can you be? Weren't we happy?
The past is empty, love.
I must go.

Is that not MEDIOCRE or MACABRE enough for you? Can you not FEEL your sadness - your dark and gloomy sadness within?

[That is all]

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

THE RETURN OF THE MEDIOCRE AND THE MACABRE

PREPARE!

...for the return of the MEDIOCRE and the MACABRE!

You, Reader, will now find such interesting facts as:

1. The Polish were once a race of half-bird, half-human cave-dwellers who were forced from their homeland situated in what is now Australia by their demigod as punishment for creating common work tools.

2. Prince Charles wears a common toupee... made from the hide of the last sabretoothed tiger!

3. Most Tanzanians worship a three-legged stool they have cleverly named "Fido".

...and other amazing facts in time. They will be available to you at the Jacob Karnas BlogStation found at this very blog!

Read and be AMAZED.

But first: A poem I wrote.

Soulular Catechism

Happiness. Joy. Merriment. Rain.
Words; tumble out of your mouth,
Unrecognisable. They mean nothing

Beauty. Words cannot describe
Glowing radiantly through.
You try to hide. Hide away from the world,
To blend in

Verification. You understand.
You are who you are,
that will never change; you see

Compassion. Caressing skin. An angel,
Your skin is like velvet, soft.
Tenderness in your tone, your eyes. Dreaming.
Staring. Forcing.

Unconditional. Yet Loving and longing.
A wind blows; knowing. The air smooths,
Together for once

Wonder. Amazement. Testing.
Peering into my soul,
your eyes. What do they see?
A lonely boy

Touching. Leading. Following.
Saved. Sadness falls away.
Can I be? What will happen?
The future is fickle, love.
I do not know.

Is that not the BEST poem ever written? Do you not HUNGER for more just like it? Stay-tuned, Reader, for there will be.

[That is all]

Monday, 6 October 2008

ON HER MAJESTY'S ROYAL AIR FORCE

OVER THE LAST few weeks, I have been privy to view the RAF's men during their free time. However honourable the service is and distinguished the men may act during working hours, their off-time is NOT in any way prim or proper.

During their stay, I have seen more nudity and off-colour hijinks than when I was in basic training for the US Air Force. And we in BMT were not happy to see eachother naked.

This does not seem to be the case for Her Majesty's soldiers.

They ENJOY running about completely unclothed for all guests and staff to see. They ENJOY "goating" eachother (if you are unsure of the meaning of this, please watch Waiting). They ENJOY relaxing in the jacuzzi with one another, which seems quite normal.

Only they are NUDE. They are ALWAYS nude.

As unusual as this is, they also enjoy playing practical jokes on the staff. Moving furniture has been a constant favourite. Swimming across the shallow 20 foot indoor fountain is another, as well as throwing themselves or eachother down the staircase and attempting to jump from floor to floor rather than using the convenient elevator that Mr. Waterman and Mr. Otis so kindly introduced to modern architecture.

As disconcerting as all of this has been, I will be sad to see them go. I could have suggested a few tricks to them myself.

Like lighting eachother on fire. That would have been a good one.

[That is all]

Friday, 3 October 2008

Antichrist Alive And Well In Australia

Spawn Of Satan Living Down Under, Ruining Good Things

The Vatican 'aint seen nothin' yet, says a police spokesman of a young boy who fed 13 zoo animals to the resident saltwater crocodile at the city's Outback Zoo.

Reports say the child of the devil, who's name has been kept secret, went on a killing spree, bashing three lizards to death with rocks and feeding them and others to Terry, an 11-foot saltwater croc. The little bastard hopped the security fence early Wednesday morning and proceeded to cause over $5,500AUS worth of damage to the Alice Springs Reptile Center.

Zoo director Rex Neindorf said that in the security video "the boys face remains largely blank. It was like he was playing a video game."

Vatican officials are saddened by the acts, but are thankful that they now have a pinpoint on the whereabouts of the Bringer of Death.

[That is all]

Thursday, 2 October 2008

$700B Plan Causes Anarchy, Disaster Across Nation

Bailout Plan Causes National Hysteria As All $700B Arrives At Once


In a freak event shortly after 5:00AM EST, all $700 billion necessary for the economic bailout plan arrived in Washington, D.C., spilling over into Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, North and South Dakotas, Delaware, New Jersey and the useful part of Georgia, crushing most areas under the load's tremendous weight.

Reports have come in from vessels all over the Eastern Seaboard that U.S. Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson was seen standing atop what looked to be a giant tsunami of cold-hard cash before it destroyed most of the United States.


The Financial district in New York, however, finally lucked out as investors and brokers alike clammored the banks of the Hudson River, picking cash floating from what was once New Jersey from the waters. Reports from all over the Northeast tell us that banks and businesses everywhere are "doing swell now".

[That is all]

Senate Votes On $700B "Feed The Rich" Bill

Senators Hope That Bill Will Save Them, Other Immensely Wealthy
Yesterday, in an attempt to bailout the economy, the U.S. Senate voted in favour of saving themselves and the rest of the 1% of the population's wealthy and powerful.

The House vote on 29 September proved unsuccessul for the amendment by a margin of 228 to 205.

With the vote ending at 74-Yea 25-Nay, President George W. Bush said that he "applauds the Senate on their strong bisexual vote". Moments later, he retracted his statement and released a new one, changing the word bisexual to artesian. After a White House speech writer whispered into his ear, President Bush again retracted his statement saying, "Bipartisan. Whatever, you know what I mean." This was followed by that little chuckle he does.

The bill proposed tax breaks for businesses, tax credits for the use of alternative energy, increase in deposit insurance limits (FDIC) and tax reductions for victims of severe weather. Something about "sinking ship", "nation's rich, powerful" and "get out now" were briefly seen on page 61 before Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson turned the page.

Also seen were references to "Ha ha ha! Power! Unlimited spending power!" These, however, can not be confirmed.

The bill, [suprisingly] opposed by many Republican politicians, needed only 60 votes under legislative rule to approve the amendment and the bill. All but one senator, "political Jesus" Ted Kennedy-D, voted.

[That is all]

Sunday, 14 September 2008

HEY! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER!

I'M NOT EFFIN' KIDDING.

So I've been using the amazing ground-breaking Earth-shaking fast-growing web-thing Twitter for about 5 months now, and all I can say is, "fucking follow me".

That's actually not true.

I can also say, "I love Twitter". Really, I love it so much, I'm blogging about it. I also tweet about my blog. It's a circle of self-promotion. AND IT'S GREAT.

But really: If you're reading my blog, join Twitter and follow me. If you already have a Twitter account, the same goes for you. However, if you aren't following me and you have Twitter AND you've read this blog before, you are a dick. Follow me or I'll be following you. Catch my drift?

[That is all]

Friday, 12 September 2008

9 Out Of 10 Scientists Agree: Blondes Have Less Fun

Blondes, Scientists Say, Don't Have More Fun
It's shocking, I know. However this is the conclusion geneticists at Stockholm Brain Institute have come upon: blondes have the same amount of fun or less as everyone else.

Sweden's top scientists, working for over three years, conducted studies testing brain waves, basic facial expression and body language on subjects with brown, red and yellow hair. The subjects, all within the age limit 18 through 25, were put through several 'real-life simulators' including "Amusement Park", "Getaway Vacation to the Mediterrean" and "Bad-", "Mediochre-" and "Best of Your Life-Sex".

These studies all together have formally and finally put the age-old misconception that blondes have more fun to rest.

In other news: Paris Hilton is pissed. "That is SOOO not hott," says the former heiress to the Hilton Hotel fortune.

[That is all]

Monday, 1 September 2008

THIS IS INTERESTING


Are you kidding me? It's a bit hard to believe that people could possibly be so ignorant that they would actually buy things like this. But then again...

And thankfully, this article doesn't condone such awful thoughts.

[That is all]

Friday, 29 August 2008

McCain Has Chosen A Running Mate... And She's Bookishly Attractive!

McCain's New Running Mate Hot Governor From Alaska

***BREAKING NEWS***

Presidential hopeful, Senator John McCain of Arizona, has chosen his running mate: Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska.

Is it possible? Our first hot vice president since... since... WHEN?

Palin, who has been featured in Vogue magazine, is currently serving her first term as governor.

When questioned about the reasons for his choice by a member of the Associated Press, Senator McCain stopped short, then flew into a fit of rage. After kicking the podium onto its side, he stormed off before commenting. Palin simply struck a pose.

[That is all]

Obama Vows To "End McCain" Once And For All

Presidential Hopeful Obama Swears To Destroy Next President McCain



Over 80,000 spectators filed into Invesco Field to watch the final fight between Barack Obama and John McCain Friday night. The crowd gave Obama a roaring welcome and met lines of his speech with chants of his catchphrase, "Stop trying to hit me and hit me!"

CNN states: "Obama pitted himself against John McCain, repeatedly countering attacks from his Republican rival while casting the election as a choice between change and failure."

The fight, bringing in a line over six miles long with the stadium already filled, finally progressed into round 27 about three and a half hours after it began. McCain, weakened and tired, landed a punch to Obama's jaw, temporarily stunning him. This, however, only angered the Illinois senator who retaliated with a series of hard
jabs to McCain's swollen and bloodied face.

Political pundits watching the match stated that the fight was unfair, as Obama continued to crowd McCain and insisted on using illegal kicks.

Although Obama won the match, it was all for naught as, although American's love violence, they still won't be able to get over the fact that he chose Joe Biden as a running mate.

[That is all]

Sunday, 17 August 2008

Nation Shocked, Appalled By Campaign Lip-Synching Scandal

Presidential Candidate Obama Linked To Lip-Synch Disgrace

The nation was shocked last week to learn that all presidential campaign debates have been postponed when it was revealed that Democratic hopeful Barack Obama was using another's voice rather than his own during the year's debates.

It has been gathered that the source of the "phantom voice" is none other than Laurence Fishburne.

"I am outraged," states 1932 Republican candidate Phillip S. Gallagher III of Massachusetts.

"I may be old, but in my day people would nev..." began Mr. Gallagher before passing away quietly from extreme old age. He was 113.

Fishburne's epic role as Morpheus in the hit Matrix Trilogy proved to be a more compelling leader, most think. The fact that Obama has been called a "nerd" and a "McFly" seems to have persuaded the candidate to opt for a stronger voice, even if nothing can be done (at the moment) for his scrawny and duck-like appearance.

Obama could not be reached for comment, nor could John McCain as he was throwing a tantrum at his favourite restaurant Old Smoky's over his lost screen time.

[That is all]

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

THIS JUST IN

Here are some films that are due out at the end of the year. Both are in post-production. Both look like they could either really suck or be really awesome. You decide.



I. W.

Oliver Stone has concluded filming on his newest "work" W.

This "film" will recount the life and "presidency" of George W. Bush, with Josh Brolin playing the lead character. Richard Dreyfuss was cast as Dick Cheney. Lawl.

For a full cast list, including Ellen Burstyn and James Cromwell, and poor excuses to make this film, mostly from Stone himself, please visit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W._%28film%29

For a shitty trailer, here's this.

W. is slated for release October 17, 2008.



II. The Day The Earth Stood Still


In this remake of the 1951 classic, Keanu Reeves plays Klaatu. Great. I'll watch it, though.

The film is to stay true to the original and truer still to the short story the original was based on, "Farewell to the Master". Even still, Michael Rennie and Robert Wise are spinning in their graves as we speak.

Here is the full cast list and here is an excuse from the director.

The Day the Earth Stood Still is scheduled to be released 12 December, 2008. This could change due to filming extensions, most likely due to Reeves' fucking up somehow.

[That is all]

Tuesday, 12 August 2008

HE'S AT IT AGAIN!


Look out, women's swim teams!
[That is all]

ON A HAPPIER NOTE

TODAY IS 12 August, 2008.

Birthdays:

George Soros - Political Activist / rich bastard
George Hamilton - Actor / womanizer
Dominique Swain - Actress from Lolita / Girl
William Goldman - Screenwriter of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid / The Princess Bride
Jacques Tits - Hilariously named mathematician
Jim Beaver - Actor / goes well with above
Sir Mix A Lot - Rapper / (Jacques) Tits enthusiast

Events:

30 BC - Cleopatra offs herself
1908 - First Model T built, allowing Henry Ford to promote anti-semitism at a cool speed of 15 MPH

Deaths:

Joseph P. Kennedy - Brother of John. You know, the one who was supposed to be president.
Ian Fleming - Author of the James Bond books. You know, the one rolling over in his grave.
Henry Fonda - Actor
Jean-Michel Basquiat - Painter / drug addict
Merv Griffin - Asshole

TODAY IS ALSO United Nations International Youth Day. Glorious Twelfth starts today (killing season for Red Grouse in the UK).

This has been my commentary for 12 August, 2008.

[That is all]

Monday, 11 August 2008

EVERYONE IS DYING!

SRSLY, EVERYONE! Here is a list of ACTORS so far this year.

8/10/2008 - Isaac Hayes

8/09/2008 - Bernie Mac

7/22/2008 - Estelle Getty

6/22/2008 - George Carlin

5/29/2008 - Harvey Korman

5/26/2008 - Sydney Pollack

4/05/2008 - Charlton Heston

3/18/2008 - Anthony Minghella

1/22/2008 - Heath Ledger

1/15/2008 - Brad Renfro

Hey TOM CRUISE: Look out.

[That is all]

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

SNEAK-PEEK AT MY NEWEST SCREENPLAY

HERE IS AN INSIDE LOOK at my newest (as of yet UNTITLED) script, for your pleasure:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FADE IN:

WE OPEN ON -

EXT. PHOENIX, ARIZONA - WIDE ESTABLISHING SHOT - LATE AFTERNOON

The freeways are clogged with after-work commuters. The sound of horns honking and traffic fill the hot, dry air.

PRESTON
(voice-over/narrating)

I don't have much to live for. I smoke, I drink. I drive fast cars and date even faster women. Every second is filled with excitement. Parties often begin at nine but don't start until I enter the room. I've been to Europe and Australia and visited pyramids on two continents. I've boated on the Indian and Pacific and fly across the Atlantic for fun. Everything I do, I do it for enjoyment and rarely get any sleep.

I have my thumb on the pulse of pop-culture, like a phantom heartbeat, I'm really feeling my own genius projected out to the idols of today who project it out to the sheep. I'm A-list, I'm first class. Like Frank said, "I'm a number one, top of the list". I've never lost a bet and my price is never cheap. So if you want to be seen with me, you'd better come with cash. I'm building a religion. Peddling perdition and with me you can rule the world.


I'd like to say that anything I just said is true, but it's not. I've never been outside of the United States, except for Mexico, but who really counts that anyway? I've been miserable most of my life and today I finally decided to kill myself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THAT'S IT. That's all you get. At the moment I'm writing this, along with "The Afterwife" and a satire/humour book. You will be UPDATED on all three as they progress.

[That is all]

Friday, 1 August 2008

NEW SHERLOCK HOLMES FILMS

ARE THEY FAKE or are we in for some good times?

Columbia Pictures has announced that Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrel will team up to play Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson in a new comedy, written by Etan Cohen. Judd Apatow and Jimmy Miller are to produce. Tolmach states, "Just the idea of Sacha and Will as Sherlock Holmes and Watson makes us laugh. Sacha and Will are two of the funniest and most talented guys on the planet and having them take on these two iconic characters is frankly hilarious."

Guy Ritchie is slated to direct a new film based on the Lionel Wigram comic "Sherlock Holmes". At this point, only one actor has been cast, and that actor is: ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. There will be more on this film as production progresses.

Personally, I am psyched about both of these films.

[That is all]

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

TWYTTER IS YE OLDE FAYLE

"A tweet gets halfway around the world before the whale has a chance to get its fail on."
- Jacob Karnas

Sunday, 27 July 2008

ONCE AGAIN FOR GOOD MEASURE: THE MT IRONSTAG SHOW

TONIGHT, I AM guesting as DR. MELVIN ROSENBLATT, PH.D. on...

THE MT IRONSTAG SHOW

I DETEST THE RADIO and most of what happens on it. Whenever I travel by automobile, I generally listen to a cd or music device. This hate does not extend to the MT Ironstag Show. Hosted by Murray (David Vick) and Flint Ironstag (Taylor Genovese), this radio program is not for the faint of heart. The MT Ironstag show is a mash-up between "local morning show" and Howard Stern; if Howard Stern was toned down to a two-and-a-half hour limit. Per week. And the FCC hadn't been notified (which they haven't).

With regular guests Manservant Jacoby (Jacob Brown), the hosts' Yugoslavian butler (who also has a strange affinity for cats: both the animal and the musical); Dr. Melvin Rosenblatt, Ph.D, a pediatric gynecologist (and also the Author's 'radio personality'), affectionately referred to as 'Dr. Jew'; as well as many, MANY others.

Although most of my Readers live elsewhere, it is still possible to listen to these grinning bastards of the airwaves. Simply visit: http://www.themtironstagshow.com for a live stream of the show Sunday nights at 7:30P-10:00P Pacific. That's 10:30P-1:00A Eastern. Again, that's 12:30A-3:00A in Sydney, Australia; 9:30A-12:00P in Thailand; and 8:00A-11:30A in India (for my two readers in Canada, two readers in Thailand, two readers in India, 5 readers in Australia and 132 readers in the United States that ARE NOT in Arizona).

Listen to them and be AMAZED. You'll feel better about yourself.

[That is all]

New Airbus Likened To Titanic


Superjumbo Jet To Be Next Great Tragedy

In a shocking statement, officials for Emirates Airlines said Saturday that they would like to pay homage to the 1912 Titanic disaster. They reportedly plan on mirroring the tragedy on the maiden flight of the new Airbus A380 to New York on August 1.

The largest passenger jet in the world yet, it is said that "G-d himself could not down this plane".

Passengers include Michael Jackson, UAE billionaire Abdul Aziz Al Ghurair, and actor Crispin Glover. Emirates states they are "ready to lose such famed passengers as it will bring acclaim to [our] airline". One brash difference is that out of the 644 passengers scheduled to be on board, none will survive.

The pilots of the flight have been instructed to "bury the sucker" at or near the site of the 1912 sinking.

[That is all]

Sunday, 13 July 2008

Pope Benedict XVI To Speak About Sex Scandal And How To Accept It

Pope Condones "Kid Touching", Says It Makes G-d Happy

Pope Benedict arrived in Syndey, Australia for the Roman Catholic church's youth festival Saturday. Reportedly, he will rest for three days before joining the festivities of World Youth Day, partying in private with Archbishops, Cardinals and a consortium of altar boys from the festival between the ages of 6 and 13.

Benedict said about his role as leader of the largest church in the world, "...[We] have to give impulse to rediscovering our responsibility and to finding an [ethical] way to change our way of life."

"We have our responsibilities toward creation," he said. "We have to pork children to become closer to G-d. It makes Him happy."

Australia is the third stop-off on his "World Kid-Touching Tour", ending this year. This is also his longest visit, which the Vatican says will test the Pope's stamina.

Benedict is to be greeted at Sydney Harbor on Thursday by a group of Aborigines and other young people from the Pacific Basin. He will deliver what is expected to be an "important address". In 2001, Pope John Paul II issued a formal apology to the indigenous peoples of Australia, New Zealand and the Pacific islands for injustices perpetrated by Catholic missionaries.

Benedict plans to show how much he cares by raping their children.

[That is all]

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

CAPTION CONTEST

I FOUND THIS photo of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and thought it was hilarious.


BUT: What is he thinking?

POST YOUR CAPTIONS.

[That is all]

Iran Fires Missiles, Throws Fit

Iran Viewed As Threat, Wants To Make Sure World Notices

That asshole Mahmoud Ahmadinejad* is at it again.

In a most assholish move, much like that of North Korean "Dear Leader" Kim Jong Il, Iran has fired nine "test" missiles into the Persian Gulf. This comes only one month after Israel conducted a military drill in the Eastern Mediterranean. Both Israel and the United States have voiced concerns over the latest Iranian activities.

This is not unlike the February 2003 North Korean missile-launch that went down 60 km from the peninsula, however, it is viewed as more of a childish fit than North Korea's cry for attention. Iran, at this point, is much more like that weird kid in class that eats the glue and plays in the sandbox by himself.

[That is all]

*Pronunciation: The easiest way to remember Iran's president's name, as Katie Couric has stated, is "I'm a dinner jacket". Of course, the actual pronunciation is Ahm-a-dinn-eh-jad.
For my mother (who is from Massachusetts and can't say "r"), this should suffice: "Arm a dinner jad".

Sunday, 6 July 2008

President Bush "Makes Out" With Underage Japanese Girl

Bush Tongues Underage Girl At G8 Summit, Laura Approves


Over the weekend, President George W. Bush attended the G8 summit meeting and, when welcomed by a young girl, allegedly proceeded to "make out" with her as a "sign of friendship" to the Japanese people.

This folly coming late in his presidency, Bush stated, "...hey, [she] said she was 18". After his recent arrest in Germany by the self-proclaimed "World Police", Bush views this latest indiscretion as "just another misunderstanding".

"Those Japanese are weird," Bush told reporters before the summit. "After all the stuff I've seen on the interweb, I figured it was custom. She went in first, though; I just didn't want to leave her hangin'."

No charges have been filed.

[That is all]

Sunday, 29 June 2008

STATE OF THE WEBSITE: JUNE 2008 EDITION

KARNALYTICS: PART TWO

AS PROMISED, here is the June 2008 STATE of the WEBSITE.


Here is the World Map. As you can see, most of my readers are still in the United States. This is still because I write primarily in English. I also have a large following in Canada, our jovial and polite neighbours to the North. I have also acquired many non-readers in South America, Europe and Australia. What is a non-reader, you may ask? A non-reader is an asshole who finds their way onto my site, then leaves abruptly. This not only leaves me with a high bounce rate, but also low self-esteem. Thanks, assholes.


Clearly a jump from last time, I now have many more readers in the United States. I thank Russell Murray, Ryan McShowoff and myself (because I comment on Hodgman's page, then pull in his readers by linking [because I am shameless]). Thank you all. Instead of California (who are still big readers), it is this time New York who reads more often than my friends and family in Arizona. Tennessee has dropped off the map for some reason. I hope I didn't offend anyone.



This is New York. Most of the readers here are in the big city. Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens have the highest percentage while Ithaca, Woodside and Masbeth are giant non-reading assholes.



The graph here shows the last month's visits. Thankfully it has not dipped to below 2 readers per day. And there have only been two readers twice this month. Apparently, the fact that there is a new Gentleman's Bet regarding book publishing on 20 June really got people interested. 16 page views by 11 readers? Strange.



Here are the stats.

1. Good average time. Not as good as last time, but then I don't have California reading my page for hours on end anymore.

2. Good percentage of new visits. This means there are many more return visitors.

3. Terrible bounce rate. But it's okay. At least I have lots of readers.

4. North Dakota and Texas: drop dead.

5. Massachusetts: you're alright

Well, that's pretty much all. I hope this was informative. Not that you care. Or maybe you do, unless you're:

Texas, North Dakota, Massachusetts, Brazil, Australia, New Zealand, Greece, Morocco, Germany, the Czech Republic, the United Kingdom

[That is all]