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Karnas TickroBlog

Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Lesbians Sue Lesbians Over Use Of Title

Lesbians Ashamed To Use Word "Lesbian" Due To Homosexual Past

A group from the greek isle of Lesbos have petitioned the court in order to file suit against a homosexual women's group. The natives of the island have reportedly just heard that the word in question, "Lesbian", has become a common title for gay women.

Let us now recount the history of the island of Lesbos.

The third largest greek island located in the Aegean Sea, Lesbos was the home of the famous poet Sappho whose poems often spoke of deep affection and love for other women. Thusly, the name Lesbian, a term that the islanders use when referring to themselves, has come to be used by homosexual women worldwide. As for Sappho herself, not much needs to be said as the role she plays in this story is minimal and because women poets bore me.

The three natives of the island are suing the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece, an association advocating homosexual and lesbian rights in Greece, as is apparent. One plaintiff has noted that "the name insults the identity of the people of Lesbos". "Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos," states Dimitris Lambrou, one of the men filing suit. "My sister can't say she is a Lesbian."

"This is not an aggressive act against gay women," says Lambrou. "The word lesbian has only been linked with gay women in the past few decades, but we have been Lesbians for thousands of years."
As another note, Lambrou publishes a magazine on ancient Greek religion that often criticizes the Christian church. Lambrou has also stated that Sappho was not gay and mothered a child with a wealthy aristocrat. After some brief studying, I have found that the aristocrat's name was Cercylas, a name which means "prick from the Isle of Man".

Are you still swayed by Lambrou's statement?

"Even if we assume she was, how can 250,000 people of Lesbian descent, including women, be considered homosexual?"

The answer to that question, Mr. Lambrou, is excruciatingly clear: You are Greek.

That is all.

Monday, 28 April 2008

Obama Gains Help With Campaign From Satan

Satan Aids Obama In Presidential Race

The former Bush aid Satan, commonly referred to as "Karl Rove", has addressed 2008 presidential candidate Barack Obama in his latest Newsweek column stating that "[Barack's] once-strong candidacy has gotten weaker and you're making mistakes and making people worry".

Obama's reactions to his former pastor's comments and remarks about small town Americans have led to a weakened campaign and dwindling support for the Illinois senator.

Taking Rove's advice to heart, Obama has gone into seclusion in the past week, reportedly summoning the spirits of deceased past presidents and lesser demons to help win back support of his once-loyal following. Rove has travelled to Kenwood in Chicago to help Obama with the assembly of the dead, which include former-presidents Richard Nixon, Lyndon Johnson and Herbert Hoover. Also in attendance were the demon Belial and Niccolò Machiavelli. Lucifer was unable to attend directly, but sent in his stead Adolf Hitler.

That is all.

Author's Day-Off #1


I have been informed by my editors that I am allotted five days off per season. For this, I am thankful. Do not, however, misunderstand my relief. I enjoy writing these whimsical "news tales" for my Readers' enjoyment and revel in the fact that I am humourous.

However, there come times when writer's block, or sometimes depression, will set in and the humour is hard to come by. This is where I shall leave off. Please note the image below. Clicking on it will open a new page with a hilarious falsified news story written by the comedy geniuses at The Onion. This will serve as my replacement for today's article. I will return tomorrow.

That is all.

Sunday, 27 April 2008

Immigrants Perfect New Border-Crossing Technique

Mexican Immigrants Test New Illegal Manuevers

Several technicians south of the United States border have found a new method for getting across that very same border from Mexico.

Calling their new discovery
"cap diving", a group known as the "Unión Mexicana De la Ciencia", or more commonly translated as "Mexican Bicycle Farmers" (MBF) has created a process involving the replacing of vacationing American's car hubcaps with themselves.

The U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) branch of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), which succeeded the Immigration and Nationalization Services (INS), has instituted a new check at the border involving the rotation and checking of tires. This will both help acheive uniform wear on the tires and serve as an inspection for any illegals possibly hiding within.

The new "mode of transportation" across the border has brought worry to many frequent vacationers. One such holiday-seeker, Phillip Gallagher of Scottsdale, Arizona is afraid that he may be arrested. "I just want to be able to cross down to Mexico and have a nice weekend with the kids. I don't want to be brought in for being a coyote," Gallagher says.

At the moment, the MBF is reportedly searching for new car parts to pose as in order to get to freedom. The DHS and CBP have released statements that they "are ready".

That is all.

Thursday, 24 April 2008

Author Wages War On Fans, Fictional Characters

Author Sues Everyone Including Characters, Self

In a brash move, acclaimed author J.K. Rowling has filed suit against everyone, including her fans, characters, attorneys, even herself in an attempt to squander anyone from making a profit using her creations.

This all comes after Rowling, along with Warner Brothers, filed a suit against RDR Books and Steven Vander Ark for copyright infringement on 31 October, 2007. Vander Ark, a former librarian and more recently administrator for the Harry Potter Lexicon website, sought to publish a Harry Potter encyclopedia through RDR without consent from the author of the 7 children's books.

"I really don't want to cry because I'm British, you know," said Rowling after she was slapped with a lawsuit by herself.

Rowling also sued a family that recently surfaced in Liverpool. The Potters, James and Lillian and their newborn son Harold were served a subpoena to appear in court earlier this month when Rowling found their information online. Her attorneys and even the judge, U.S. District Judge Robert Patterson, Jr., were added to the list thereafter as what the author calls "a precaution". When it seemed she had run out of people to file suit against, Rowling then turned against her fans and herself, citing infringement on those who have read the books and the author.
"I did feel a degree of betrayal," said Rowling after filing suit against herself, "I believe that it is sloppy, lazy and that it takes my work wholesale, verbatim. This book constitutes wholesale theft of 17 years of my hard work."

The trial comes eight months after the final book in the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, was released.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: After typing that last sentence, I was also served a subpoena to appear in court for using the name of the book without consent from the author.)

That is all.
(Additional Note: Special participating contibutor Nate Davis helped with the initial idea for this article.)

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

Possible Super-Villain Forges Plan For $20 Million Waste Of Time

Billionaire Wastes Time, Money On Droll Cricket Match
Allen Stanford, a Texas businessman, has one thing in mind this Autumn: $20 million to the winner of a winner-takes-all Twenty20 cricket match between England and the West Indies.
Stanford, who owns many companies in the Caribbean (and is most likely a super-villain), has met with the chief executive of the England and Wales Cricket Board and the President of the West Indies Cricket Board at Lord's in London to discuss the match. The match, sources say, is to be held at his personal cricket ground in Antigua. This only brings more proof to my claim.
"We received a tour of the grounds shortly after the meeting," says ECB spokesman Phillip Gallagher.

"It was very nice and very secret, but we are allowed to state that it is somewhere off the coast of Antigua and is heavily guarded."

Unbeknownst to most of the world, Stanford has funded an inter-island Twenty20 competition involving 20 kidnapped teams on these grounds since 2006 and has no plans to stop. "The meeting had identified proposals which would provide a legacy to the development and infrastructure of cricket in the Caribbean in addition to a series of international matches," another ECB member said.

That is all.

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

Ship Sinks 20 Years Ago, World Realizes

Veteran World War II Vessel Sinks, Public Finally Aware
The SS America (or USS West Point, or SS Australis, or SS Italis, or SS American Star), built in 1940 for the United States Lines, sank in 1984. Coming as a shock to those who served aboard her during World War II, the few surviving veterans only now realize they were attending reuinions of the SS United States.
"It came as a complete surprise," says Phillip Gallagher, the son of one veteran.
"We had absolutely no idea that this had happened. Dad nearly had a coronary when we told him; he had a lot of good memories of that ship," he said.
It appears that in September 1984, the liner was sold to Silver Moon Ferries and renamed the SS Alferdoss, most likely the cause of the confusion. After only a few months ownership, a bilge pipe burst, flooding the engine room and most of the crew's quarters. In a dramatic attempt to prevent her from sinking, her anchors were cut loose and the once proud ship that had once served in aiding the United States in war was shipwrecked, beached off the coast of Fuerteventura in the Canary Islands.
The ship has listed over the years and fallen into the sea, with only part of it visible above the waves. Instead of traveling to the Canaries to see this sight, instead go to Philadelphia to see the SS United States. You won't know the difference.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Reader Louis DeChiarro has informed the Author that the SS America did not wreck in 1984, but in 1994. This, however, does not matter. Here is something that does: Ships do not generally sink, but instead float due to something called buoyant force. Buoyancy is the upward force on a given object which is produced by the liquid surrounding the object when it is partially or, sometimes, fully submerged. The upward force then is equal to the magnitude of the weight of the liquid displaced by the object causing the object to seem lighter than it actually is. Does this not FASCINATE and STIMULATE your mind?)

That is all.

Saturday, 19 April 2008

Crude Oil Prices Pump Ever Higher

New Oil Futures Fuck Us Raw From Behind

An attack on a key pipeline in Nigeria has forced crude oil futures to skyrocket, finally settling at an un-fucking-believable $117 per barrel. Gasoline futures have also reached record highs, proving once again that third-world countries cannot be trusted with that which drives the United States ever forward.

Crude oil futures have had a devastating effect on gasoline prices country-wide. This comes at the worst time due to the summer driving season's demand for retail gasoline generally bringing with it a staggering increase in price. Overnight, the national average surged 2.7 cents, bringing per gallon rate to a butt-fucking $3.46.

Economic analyst Phillip Gallagher had this to say of the steadily rising rates:

"We just can't fucking believe it. After the
initial invasion of Iraq in 2003, we thought gas prices couldn't get any higher. We are literally being taken out to a nice dinner then back to our place for a drunken sex-romp only to find in the morning that crude oil is nowhere to be found."

"It's like we're having our pants pulled down, bent over a table and fucked up the ass with no lubrication," said Gallagher.

As it appears, the ass-raping isn't going to end anytime in the near future.

That is all.

Thursday, 17 April 2008

French Hold Pirates For Yacht-Pillaging

Pirates Held In Paris Brig For Commandeering Luxury Yacht

Six men are being held in Paris courts for questioning regarding the hijacking the French luxury yacht "Le Ponant" off the coast of Somalia on 4 April. No charges have been filed as of yet, but officials say they will most likely be brought down by an overwhelming amount of "scalliwaginess".

The yachts crew of 30 were held hostage for a week. The pirate plot was foiled when French Navy vessels, surprisingly also luxury yachts, arrived in the area. The swashbucklers released 30 hostages and tried to escape, chased across the Somalian desert by French helicopter gunships in a dramatic attempt to abscond with their booty: the 2 million dollar ransom for release of the prisoners. One of the cars driven by the daring buccaneers was disabled and they then attempted to get away by foot but were apprehended shortly thereafter.

The French Navy held the scurvy dogs aboard the luxury warship "Lady Moura" until clearance was given to transport them to Paris.
It is unknown how many were involved in the hijacking and how many are still on the loose. The French Ministry of Foreign Affairs presumes that between 12 and 15 were present when the hostages were taken. Although the hostages were unharmed, an unidentified crew member noted that the captain attempted to hide the female members of the crew out of fear they might be raped.

That is all.

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Tibet Destroys All Hope For Freedom

Tibetan "Demolition Monks" Ruin Any Chance Of Freedom From China In Impromptu Raid

Inspections in Hezuo, Gansu Province, China Monday doomed Tibet to an eternity under Chinese control after police seized explosives, banned Tibetan flags and one gun from six monasteries. The raid comes after hundreds of Tibetans in Hezuo staged anti-government protest demonstrations, in which a government building was invaded with shouts (most likely in Tibetan) of "Free Tibet!". A banned Tibetan flag was also raised over a school yard.

The gun, 22 pounds of dynamite, seven knives and five detonators were confiscated from one monastery. Five bullets were found in another. I ask you this: does this seem like a hostile uprising or psychological warfare?

Chinese officials beleive that the events were inspired by Tibets exiled spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, who has denied claims that he has called for his followers to overthrow the Chinese government in Tibet and sabotage the Olympic Games this August. The Dalai Lama is reported as saying when questioned about these allegations, "No, no, no."

"No, no, no, no, no," he
Directly after this statement, a monk poured a container of gasoline over himself, sat in the lotus position and struck a match.

That is all.

Saturday, 12 April 2008

Fermenting Tension Pops Cork In Iran

(Possible) Revenge Served At Room Temperature
This may or may not have been the case late Saturday night when police officials in Shiraz, Iran say a bomb may or may not have caused an explosion in a mosque that left an estimated 9 people [possibly] dead and 105 [maybe] wounded.

The expolsion [perhaps] shattered windows in nearby houses and buildings nearly a kilometre away [may have] felt the blast. The [possible] Governor General, Mohammad Ibrahim Ansari Lari, stated "there was no bomb."
"Initial surveys about the cause of the blast have proved there has been no bomb involved in the incident and, therefore, there (are) other probable causes," the governor general said.
Other causes, according to police officials, include:

1. Notorious Bordeaux terrorist, Cabernet "Big Red" Sauvignon
2. The "White Zinfandel"
3. The dastardly "Pinot Gang": Noir, Gris, Meunier and Grigio
4. Chardonnay, leader of the Méthode Champenoise (may be connected to the "Pinot Gang")
5. Sam Beam of Iron & Wine

That is all.

Thursday, 10 April 2008

Likeable Senator Panders to Flaming Society

(For "Likeable Senator Kisses Gay Ass", please see the latest issue of The Advocate)

Presidential Hopefuls Urge For Lift On Gay Ban

You may be aware of the current dilemma plaguing the United States Armed Forces. No, I am not speaking of the talks to pull U.S. forces from Iraq after five years of fighting. I speak of the repeal of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy that has defined the U.S. military for years. Ha!

President hopeful, Senator Barack Obama, had this to say during an interview with the notoriously homosexual magazine The Advocate:

"I would never make this a litmus test for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, but I think there's increasing recognition within the Armed Forces that this is a counterproductive strategy."

This isn't as noble as it sounds. All of the current candidates are vying for this, especially hippie-favourite Hillary Clinton. The only thing that makes Obama different is that he is, indeed, black.

Obama also had this to say, "...[we're] spending large sums of money to kick highly qualified gays or lesbians out of our military, some of whom possess specialties like Arab-language capabilities that we desperately need. That doesn't make us more safe."

This may be good and fine, but I ask: "more safe"? Let us be serious.

It appears this interview was thrown together quickly (as to account for the bad grammar) after Obama was criticized for not speaking to the "gay media" on this subject. He has also said that he could see a repeal on the policy as well as a signing of legislation to ban workplace discrimination on gays.

"Next they'll be wanting to vote," says U.S. Army General Phillip Gallagher.

Having been in the United States Armed Forces, I do realize the problem. I also realize that this problem is not so much a deterrant to gays, but a deterrent to pussies.

Yes, pussies. Those many young men and women who join the military who, once they understand that it is not for the faint of heart, attempt to escape through Behavioral Analysis Services stating that they are homosexual. What a cop-out. I saw this happen repeatedly during my tenure in Medical Hold at Lackland AFB.

How will this repeal affect our nation? It won't. As is known, gay people live and work in all places. This, however, excludes most rural areas below the Mason-Dixon Line, but then, who with morals would live there? Does it affect us when we are helped at our local bookstore by a gay? Or when we are served food at Applebee's? Or when we attend an off-Broadway play cast completely with gays? Of course not. These are all common in our society and we take them for granted. And neither should it affect the military; just because someone is different, it does not mean it is bad. But what else should you expect from the most adolescent country in the world.

That is all.

Wednesday, 9 April 2008

What is the population of China?

(The answer is provided below)

The Chinese Olympics 2008 Protests

Such things in life are futile to discuss. This is especially true when you side with the neutral while talking to human rights activists and hippies. The latter are normally staunch believers when it comes to "freeing people". However true, they normally lack any knowledge on the topic.

When it comes to discussing the Olympic Games for 2008, the main topic is not, "Isn't it lovely that China has finally joined the rest of the world in an event that unites all nations, regardless of culture, religion or politics?". Such statements are not alive in this day and age.

The very real topic discussed is, put simply, "Free Tibet". Freeing Tibet would mean giving up prime land that will, in the future, be quite valuable to China.

All land-politics aside, let us now focus on The People's Republic of China.

It is a known fact that The People's Republic of China is the most populated country in the world at 1,323,156,000 people (and counting). That's 1,019,338,000 more citizens than the United States. That's 4 Chinese citizens (either Mandarin or Cantonese, served with wonton noodles) per 1 United States citizen. The only problem is Americans take up more space while the Chinese are relatively smaller.

The People's Republic of China practices a form of Communism. This fact proves that they really have no business calling themselves a "people's republic" at all and will from this point be referred to in this article as Zhōnghuá.

Zhōnghuá hasn't been doing much lately. Other than importing our children's toys, Nike shoes and their basketball-based genetic research (Yao Ming) to the United States, they've been relatively "off-the-map" for ages.

I, for one, am delighted that Zhōnghuá has been chosen to host these illustrious games. I am, as I stated before, completely neutral on the topic of Tibet. Here are some reasons why:

1. I have never been to Tibet, nor known anyone from Tibet.
2. I have seen many monks who appear to be Tibetan. They are quite happy.
3. I am unable to point Tibet out on most modern maps.

Truthfully speaking, I have lost interest in writing about the Olympics and China and of Tibet.

That is all.