New Oil Futures Fuck Us Raw From Behind
An attack on a key pipeline in Nigeria has forced crude oil futures to skyrocket, finally settling at an un-fucking-believable $117 per barrel. Gasoline futures have also reached record highs, proving once again that third-world countries cannot be trusted with that which drives the United States ever forward.
Crude oil futures have had a devastating effect on gasoline prices country-wide. This comes at the worst time due to the summer driving season's demand for retail gasoline generally bringing with it a staggering increase in price. Overnight, the national average surged 2.7 cents, bringing per gallon rate to a butt-fucking $3.46.
Economic analyst Phillip Gallagher had this to say of the steadily rising rates:
"We just can't fucking believe it. After the
initial invasion of Iraq in 2003, we thought gas prices couldn't get any higher. We are literally being taken out to a nice dinner then back to our place for a drunken sex-romp only to find in the morning that crude oil is nowhere to be found."
"It's like we're having our pants pulled down, bent over a table and fucked up the ass with no lubrication," said Gallagher.
As it appears, the ass-raping isn't going to end anytime in the near future.
That is all.
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