Iran Fires Missiles, Throws Fit

Iran Viewed As Threat, Wants To Make Sure World Notices

That asshole Mahmoud Ahmadinejad* is at it again.

In a most assholish move, much like that of North Korean "Dear Leader" Kim Jong Il, Iran has fired nine "test" missiles into the Persian Gulf. This comes only one month after Israel conducted a military drill in the Eastern Mediterranean. Both Israel and the United States have voiced concerns over the latest Iranian activities.

This is not unlike the February 2003 North Korean missile-launch that went down 60 km from the peninsula, however, it is viewed as more of a childish fit than North Korea's cry for attention. Iran, at this point, is much more like that weird kid in class that eats the glue and plays in the sandbox by himself.

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*Pronunciation: The easiest way to remember Iran's president's name, as Katie Couric has stated, is "I'm a dinner jacket". Of course, the actual pronunciation is Ahm-a-dinn-eh-jad.

For my mother (who is from Massachusetts and can't say "r"), this should suffice: "Arm a dinner jad".

President Bush Speaks In Germany, Sent To Jail

U.S. President George Bush Makes Final Official Visit To Europe, Promptly Arrested

George W. Bush spoke at a press conference after speaking with Deutsch Chancellor Angela Merkel. This is part of a six-nation tour that will ultimately mark the last visit to Europe of his presidency. His last tour of Europe took place in 2007 where he visited such unpopular countries as Bulgaria, the Czech Republic and Albania, where he was greeted as a hero. This is most likely because, as is a known fact, Eastern Europe does not have television.

Directly after saying their good-byes, the newly instated "World Police" unit, or WPU, handcuffed the president and led him off to a Berlin jail. The "World Police", created soon after the opening invasion of Iraqattaq, had been awaiting this visit since its announcement as they missed their chance at nabbing the 'war-monger' on his not-so-publicized trip last year. When asked what the charges were, one member of the WPU replied in a very heavy french-accent, with the smell of bourbon on his breath, one charge of being a 'coq' and 'menny, menny, veghry(?) menny sharjez of illegal war'.

"American Vice-President Dick Cheney, you're next," stated WPU team leader Henri Brandeaux, while eating what appeared to be a baguette. A moment later, after chewing, he continued while lighting a cigarette, "under two charges of being an ass."

More on this as it progresses.

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Obama Gains Help With Campaign From Satan

Satan Aids Obama In Presidential Race

The former Bush aid Satan, commonly referred to as "Karl Rove", has addressed 2008 presidential candidate Barack Obama in his latest Newsweek column stating that "[Barack's] once-strong candidacy has gotten weaker and you're making mistakes and making people worry".

Obama's reactions to his former pastor's comments and remarks about small town Americans have led to a weakened campaign and dwindling support for the Illinois senator.

Taking Rove's advice to heart, Obama has gone into seclusion in the past week, reportedly summoning the spirits of deceased past presidents and lesser demons to help win back support of his once-loyal following. Rove has travelled to Kenwood in Chicago to help Obama with the assembly of the dead, which include former-presidents Richard Nixon, Lyndon Johnson and Herbert Hoover. Also in attendance were the demon Belial and Niccolò Machiavelli. Lucifer was unable to attend directly, but sent in his stead Adolf Hitler.

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Crude Oil Prices Pump Ever Higher

New Oil Futures Fuck Us Raw From Behind

An attack on a key pipeline in Nigeria has forced crude oil futures to skyrocket, finally settling at an un-fucking-believable $117 per barrel. Gasoline futures have also reached record highs, proving once again that third-world countries cannot be trusted with that which drives the United States ever forward.

Crude oil futures have had a devastating effect on gasoline prices country-wide. This comes at the worst time due to the summer driving season's demand for retail gasoline generally bringing with it a staggering increase in price. Overnight, the national average surged 2.7 cents, bringing per gallon rate to a butt-fucking $3.46.

Economic analyst Phillip Gallagher had this to say of the steadily rising rates:

"We just can't fucking believe it. After the
initial invasion of Iraq in 2003, we thought gas prices couldn't get any higher. We are literally being taken out to a nice dinner then back to our place for a drunken sex-romp only to find in the morning that crude oil is nowhere to be found."

"It's like we're having our pants pulled down, bent over a table and fucked up the ass with no lubrication," said Gallagher.

As it appears, the ass-raping isn't going to end anytime in the near future.

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