STATE OF THE WEBSITE: JUNE 2008 EDITION

KARNALYTICS: PART TWO

AS PROMISED, here is the June 2008 STATE of the WEBSITE.

Here is the World Map. As you can see, most of my readers are still in the United States. This is still because I write primarily in English. I also have a large following in Canada, our jovial and polite neighbours to the North. I have also acquired many non-readers in South America, Europe and Australia. What is a non-reader, you may ask? A non-reader is an asshole who finds their way onto my site, then leaves abruptly. This not only leaves me with a high bounce rate, but also low self-esteem. Thanks, assholes.

Clearly a jump from last time, I now have many more readers in the United States. I thank Russell Murray, Ryan McShowoff and myself (because I comment on Hodgman's page, then pull in his readers by linking [because I am shameless]). Thank you all. Instead of California (who are still big readers), it is this time New York who reads more often than my friends and family in Arizona. Tennessee has dropped off the map for some reason. I hope I didn't offend anyone.



This is New York. Most of the readers here are in the big city. Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens have the highest percentage while Ithaca, Woodside and Masbeth are giant non-reading assholes.

The graph here shows the last month's visits. Thankfully it has not dipped to below 2 readers per day. And there have only been two readers twice this month. Apparently, the fact that there is a new Gentleman's Bet regarding book publishing on 20 June really got people interested. 16 page views by 11 readers? Strange.

Here are the stats.

1. Good average time. Not as good as last time, but then I don't have California reading my page for hours on end anymore.

2. Good percentage of new visits. This means there are many more return visitors.

3. Terrible bounce rate. But it's okay. At least I have lots of readers.

4. North Dakota and Texas: drop dead.

5. Massachusetts: you're alright

Well, that's pretty much all. I hope this was informative. Not that you care. Or maybe you do, unless you're:

Texas, North Dakota, Massachusetts, Brazil, Australia, New Zealand, Greece, Morocco, Germany, the Czech Republic, the United Kingdom

[That is all]

Boat Capsizes Near Malaysia, Pirates Again Called Upon

Pirates Summoned To Search For Missing Capsized Boat Passengers

Bad weather is again to blame for the sinking of yet another boat, this time off the coast of Kuala Lumpur. Officials have released statements that all fourteen passengers were Indonesian and may have been attempting to enter Malaysia illegally.

Six passengers are missing, with six having drowned leaving only a 40-year-old man and 25-year-old woman surviving, officials say. The government has called in the Pirates to navigate the waters in search of the others.

This comes only days after the Pirates' expedition to find a capsized ferry in the Philippines. The ferry was capsized due to bad weather caused by Typhoon Fengshen, leaving more than 155 dead on the mainland and 740 missing at sea.

[That is all]

George Carlin: Dead At 71

Comedian Carlin Passes Away

In an unfortunate turn of events, famed comedian and actor George Carlin passed away Sunday 22 June, 2008 at 5:55P. The cause of death has been noted as either a "massive heart attack" or heart failure. He was 71.

Carlin, known for his brash, edgy humour and gravelly voice, was reportedly admitted to St. John's Health Center, located in Santa Monica, Cali. He was complaing of chest pains and shortness of breath, not uncommon as Carlin had a historyn of cardiovascular problems and had previously suffered multiple heart attacks.

ALSO: As a final word honouring Mr. Carlin, "Fuck".

For more information on George Carlin's life, humour and career:

George Carlin - Wikipedia.org

George Carlin - imdb.com

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

[That is all]

Typhoon Sinks Ferry, Pirates Called In For Help

Fengshen Devastates the Philippines, Pirates Called In

Our Pirate friends have been granted amnesty with another ferry sinking, this time in the Philippines at the hands of the typhoon Fengshen. Reports state that the typhoon capsized the ferry 'Princess of the Stars', leaving more than 740 passengers missing this morning.

At first glance, most would have been thinking: Pirates!

But no. Not this time.

Our heroes were called in by local governments after Fengshen left 155 dead and submerged entire communities. The Red Cross and and Coast Guard have stepped back to let the Pirates "do their thing".

It is believed that a giant air pocket could be keeping survivors trapped aboard the vessel alive. The Pirates have labelled this their first priority.

"They haven't seen anyone. They're scouring the area. They're studying the direction of the waves to determine where survivors may have drifted," coast guard spokesman Lt. Senior Grade Arman Balilo said.

Vice Admiral Philippe S. Gallagos of the Philippine Navy also stated, "They really know the seas and we are fortunate for their cooperation."

As a side note, Gene Hackman and Ernest Borgnine have been called in to aid in the search for survivors aboard the capsized vessel once it is found.

[That is all]

8 Out Of 10 Scientists Agree: Emo Kids, Cowboys Share Same Genetic Make-Up

New Study Breaks Barrier Between Rival High School Genres

In a stunning discovery, geneticists in Stockholm, Sweden have finally proven the link between Emo kids and cowboys. The Stockholm Brain Institute says that 8 out of 10 scientists agree on the new breakthrough's findings.

The Swedish study compared the size of the brain's halves in 90 subjects between the age of 13 and 25. Emo kids and cowboys had halves of a similar size, while the right side was bigger in everyone else, especially heterosexual men and lesbian women.

Scientists have noticed for some time that emo kids and cowboys have differences in certain cognitive abilities, suggesting there may be subtle differences in their brain structure. This would explain the difference in music choice.

Dr. Phillip S. Gallagher, a US scientist, stated this is evidence that not only is sexual orientation set in the womb, but so are high school factions and cliques.

"Look at them," said Gallagher, "I mean seriously look at them. They both wear skin-tight jeans and tons of black. They both wear bandanas and sometimes plaid, and I know at least one cowboy in Arizona who has his labret pierced and nipple rings. And hell, they both mope around a lot."

"They also like to take pictures of themselves with no shirts on," he also stated.

When questioned about the neurological findings, Dr. Gallagher stated that he "had to get going".

[That is all]

HERE IS AN EPIC VEHICLE

PERHAPS, WHEN IT IS AVAILABLE I will own one of these. This is the Nissan Pivo 2, a smart electric car.



It looks like it belongs in Whoville, I know, but how amazing would it be to drive through town in something that resembles a Nintendo Wii?*

Also: It is equipped with a cabin that swivels. NO NEED FOR A REVERSE FUNCTION.

The driver sits in the center of the cab, erasing blind spots all together.

And with the cost of gas these days, it wouldn't be embarrassing to drive (I wouldn't be embarrassed at all).

[That is all]

Last Week In Review

Royal Nudity Scandal, Ex-Refugee Celebrity Is A Red, Obama Vows To Destroy Economy

Princess Caught In The Buff, Given A Stern 'Talking To'

Princess Eugenie, daughter of Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and Sarah Ferguson and sixth in line to the British throne was given a very stern talking to and duly reprimanded by Marlborough College staff after being caught frolicking in the nude with female schoolmates. The 18-year-old was aprehended for involvment in what the school is calling "end of term high jinks". It was claimed that there was drinking.

"It was nothing more than high jinks at the end of term in May. A group of them were reprimanded and that's the end of the matter," says royal spokesman Phillip Gallagher. "When you think of all the women Prince Charles buggered when he was off at Trinity College, this is but a minor indiscretion. Very minor, indeed."

The Princess was to attend the Queen's Birthday festivities until it was announced there would be an open bar.



Elian Gonzalez Turns Red

Now 14-years-old, Elian Gonzalez has joined the Cuba's Young Communist Union, stating that he will never let down ex-President Fidel Castro and his brother Raul Castro. He has in the past also stated that he views Fidel Castro not only as a friend, but as a father-figure.

This, however, is all according to the Communist youth newspaper Juventud Rebelde and is probably just Commie bunk. United States officials have opted to "just ignore the situation" much in the same way Eastern Europe did with Adolf Hitler, hoping it will all just go away.



Obama Plans To "Do United States In" With New Retirement Savings Idea

Democratic candidate Barack Obama has an idea: have the government pay for people's retirement.
With Social Security out of the way, Obama says that American's are doing a "lousy job saving for their Golden Years". Why not have the government step in and match up to $500 USD in retirement for families earning under $75,000 USD annually? According to analysts, the plan would help 78 million Americans but alsom cost the federal government $18.8 billion USD per year.

According to Obama-supporter and business professor at University of Virginia's Darden School of Business Ronald Wilcox, a 30-year-old worker contributing $1,000 USD per year with the matched $500 USD would, by age 65, have accumulated $145,000 USD, assuming a 5% average return after inflation- at the cost of $658 BILLION USD +.

[That is all]

President Bush Speaks In Germany, Sent To Jail

U.S. President George Bush Makes Final Official Visit To Europe, Promptly Arrested

George W. Bush spoke at a press conference after speaking with Deutsch Chancellor Angela Merkel. This is part of a six-nation tour that will ultimately mark the last visit to Europe of his presidency. His last tour of Europe took place in 2007 where he visited such unpopular countries as Bulgaria, the Czech Republic and Albania, where he was greeted as a hero. This is most likely because, as is a known fact, Eastern Europe does not have television.

Directly after saying their good-byes, the newly instated "World Police" unit, or WPU, handcuffed the president and led him off to a Berlin jail. The "World Police", created soon after the opening invasion of Iraqattaq, had been awaiting this visit since its announcement as they missed their chance at nabbing the 'war-monger' on his not-so-publicized trip last year. When asked what the charges were, one member of the WPU replied in a very heavy french-accent, with the smell of bourbon on his breath, one charge of being a 'coq' and 'menny, menny, veghry(?) menny sharjez of illegal war'.

"American Vice-President Dick Cheney, you're next," stated WPU team leader Henri Brandeaux, while eating what appeared to be a baguette. A moment later, after chewing, he continued while lighting a cigarette, "under two charges of being an ass."

More on this as it progresses.

[That is all]

G8 Meeting Links Oil Prices To Global Recession

Nations World-Wide Under Pressure From Surging Petrolium Costs

Wait. Seriously? Are you for real?

Oh never mind. We've KNOWN THAT.

It was predicted by George Soros, financial speculator and political activist worth approximately $8.5 billion, that when the United Kingdom and the United States are in recession, the "bubble" will burst, referring to the slipping USD and slipping oil supply in the Middle East causing problems for global economies.

DUH! He said it. Right there, he totally said it.

[That is all]

Obama Wins Democratic Ticket, Vows To Destroy Machines

Obama Takes Nomination, Something About "The One"

In a historic event, presidential hopeful Barack Hussein Obama captured the Democratic nomination making him the first African-American in history to win the presidential nomination for any major party.

During his speech Tuesday night, Obama stated, "believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us but if we are to be prepared for it we must first shed our fear of it."

"I stand here without fear because I remember. I remember that I am here not because of the path that lay before me but because of the path that lies behind me," he continued.

When asked how he planned to celebrate his victory, Obama sent the crowd into frenzy. "Let us shake this cave! Tonight let us tremble these walls of earth, steel and stone! Let us be heard from red core to black sky!"

More on this as it progresses.

[That is all]