THIS JUST IN: The Newborn Prince of Cambridge Has Been Named

You heard it here first.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have issued the name of their newborn son, the Prince of Cambridge, and you won't believe what it is: &

That's right, &.

In a bold move eschewing formal tradition, Prince William Duchess Catherine have decided upon the name taking a cue from the American music artist Prince. Their son, & Philip William James Louis (who will be called Ampersand or 'Ampy' as his grandmother Queen Elizabeth II insists upon calling him), is in good health on leaving the Lindo Wing at Saint Mary's Hospital in London.

"It's a most blessed occasion and a fitting name for the changing times," says Philip Gallagher, a personal aide to the Archbishop of Canterbury. "With the new laws on homosexual marriage, while His Grace does not primarily approve, it does show a great leap forward in both modern culture and that of the heavily outdated and archaic traditions we dearly uphold."

Having already been fitted for breeches and dress boots, the newborn was seen out in the fields training with his father in the Equestrian arts shortly after arriving home for the first time. Most posh, indeed.

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PETA Condemns 'Pacific Rim' For Promoting Anti-Monster Sentiments

Animal-Rights Group PETA Says del Toro Has Gone "Too Far, Too Deep"

The Norfolk, Va-based group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has called out famed Mexican director Guillermo del Toro for instigating so-called "monster-based hatred and aggression" in his new film 'Pacific Rim'. Depicting a near-futuristic Earth locked in struggle with an invading alien/monster force wreaking havoc from the depths of the ocean, the summer blockbuster promotes the killing and dismemberment of the beastly aggressors according to PETA and that has them crying foul.

"Monsters have rights too, you know," says Phillip Gallagher, head of PETA's Media and Entertainment Animal Treatment division, or MEAT.

The organization has taken to picketing movie theaters playing the film. Tens of members nation wide have grabbed their signs and proverbial pitchforks and taken to the sidewalks in efforts to stop movie-goers from viewing the "hate-filled destruction of monsters and monster-kind", spoiling the film for dozens.

"These people have a right to know that it's not just a robot movie, but also an ode to the outright murder of monsters," says Gallagher.

Claiming that the illegal exotic-animal parts trade is shown in a comical light, PETA has enlisted Greenpeace's help in castigating the film. Greenpeace has taken to the sea in efforts to admonish the crass treatment of the aquatic monsters. What their plan is has yet to be understood by the general public or even Greenpeace volunteers themselves. PETA has also contacted the Center for the Safety of Intergalactic, Inter-Dimensional and Interplanetary Beings informing them of the injustices represented to which the CSIIDIB replied, "It's just a movie, guys".

Del Toro has refused to comment on the protests but has confirmed to us that 'Pacific Rim' is just the first film of a guadrilogy.

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Recovered Picasso A Fake, Leads To Forger's Capture

SCANDAL As Preschooler Proves To Be Pursued Art Forger

Art collectors and museum curators are baffled today as the recovered Picasso drawing Tete de Femme, stolen on Tuesday from its home in a San Francisco art gallery, has turned out to be a forgery.

What's more is the fact that the suspected forger is four-year-old Rohan Kerrigan, a local Napa, California preschooler.

The suspect, 30 year old Mark Lugo told police that he had already given the $275,000 drawing to his employer before swallowing a dose of cyanide. Detectives have concluded that Lugo planned to replace the artwork with a forgery for which he had commissioned Kerrigan.

A warrant was issued providing legal search of the Kerrigan household which proved to uncover many more apparent forgeries, all of them Picasso-esque. Art critic for the San Francisco Observer Jessyka Yancy stated, "[the] forgeries are not very good. I can't even tell what she's trying to copy."

"On second thought, the forgery could very well look completely different than the original," Yancy added. "It's a Picasso

- they ALL look like a little kid drew them!"

Kerrigan has been represented by her father, recently retired Air Force Col. Joseph Kerrigan, who states that the supposed 'forgeries' found within the home were merely the scribbles of a child and mostly schoolwork. FBI spokesman Phillip Gallagher countered this claim: "Similar thefts and uncovered forgeries have been reported within a 30 mile radius of each of Kerrigan's duty-stations over the last three years."

"We move to oust Rohan Kerrigan as the international art forger and thief," he added.

On further investigation, it appears that supervillain Allen Stanford is responsible for the art theft, having thanked the San Francisco FBI branch for the drawing via a huge two-way screen - it looks great above his toilet.

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Antichrist Alive And Well In Australia

Spawn Of Satan Living Down Under, Ruining Good Things

The Vatican 'aint seen nothin' yet, says a police spokesman of a young boy who fed 13 zoo animals to the resident saltwater crocodile at the city's Outback Zoo.

Reports say the child of the devil, who's name has been kept secret, went on a killing spree, bashing three lizards to death with rocks and feeding them and others to Terry, an 11-foot saltwater croc. The little bastard hopped the security fence early Wednesday morning and proceeded to cause over $5,500AUS worth of damage to the Alice Springs Reptile Center.

Zoo director Rex Neindorf said that in the security video "the boys face remains largely blank. It was like he was playing a video game."

Vatican officials are saddened by the acts, but are thankful that they now have a pinpoint on the whereabouts of the Bringer of Death.

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$700B Plan Causes Anarchy, Disaster Across Nation

Bailout Plan Causes National Hysteria As All $700B Arrives At Once

In a freak event shortly after 5:00AM EST, all $700 billion necessary for the economic bailout plan arrived in Washington, D.C., spilling over into Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, North and South Dakotas, Delaware, New Jersey and the useful part of Georgia, crushing most areas under the load's tremendous weight.

Reports have come in from vessels all over the Eastern Seaboard that U.S. Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson was seen standing atop what looked to be a giant tsunami of cold-hard cash before it destroyed most of the United States.

The Financial district in New York, however, finally lucked out as investors and brokers alike clammored the banks of the Hudson River, picking cash floating from what was once New Jersey from the waters. Reports from all over the Northeast tell us that banks and businesses everywhere are "doing swell now".

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Senate Votes On $700B "Feed The Rich" Bill

Senators Hope That Bill Will Save Them, Other Immensely Wealthy

Yesterday, in an attempt to bailout the economy, the U.S. Senate voted in favour of saving themselves and the rest of the 1% of the population's wealthy and powerful.

The House vote on 29 September proved unsuccessul for the amendment by a margin of 228 to 205.

With the vote ending at 74-Yea 25-Nay, President George W. Bush said that he "applauds the Senate on their strong bisexual vote". Moments later, he retracted his statement and released a new one, changing the word bisexual to artesian. After a White House speech writer whispered into his ear, President Bush again retracted his statement saying, "Bipartisan. Whatever, you know what I mean." This was followed by that little chuckle he does.

The bill proposed tax breaks for businesses, tax credits for the use of alternative energy, increase in deposit insurance limits (FDIC) and tax reductions for victims of severe weather. Something about "sinking ship", "nation's rich, powerful" and "get out now" were briefly seen on page 61 before Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson turned the page.

Also seen were references to "Ha ha ha! Power! Unlimited spending power!" These, however, can not be confirmed.

The bill, [suprisingly] opposed by many Republican politicians, needed only 60 votes under legislative rule to approve the amendment and the bill. All but one senator, "political Jesus" Ted Kennedy-D, voted.

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9 Out Of 10 Scientists Agree: Blondes Have Less Fun

Blondes, Scientists Say, Don't Have More Fun

It's shocking, I know. However this is the conclusion geneticists at Stockholm Brain Institute have come upon: blondes have the same amount of fun or less as everyone else.

Sweden's top scientists, working for over three years, conducted studies testing brain waves, basic facial expression and body language on subjects with brown, red and yellow hair. The subjects, all within the age limit 18 through 25, were put through several 'real-life simulators' including "Amusement Park", "Getaway Vacation to the Mediterrean" and "Bad-", "Mediocre-" and "Best of Your Life-Sex".

These studies all together have formally and finally put the age-old misconception that blondes have more fun to rest.

In other news: Paris Hilton is pissed. "That is SOOO not hott," says the former heiress to the Hilton Hotel fortune.

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McCain Has Chosen A Running Mate... And She's Bookishly Attractive!

McCain's New Running Mate Hot Governor From Alaska

***BREAKING NEWS***

Presidential hopeful, Senator John McCain of Arizona, has chosen his running mate: Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska.

Is it possible? Our first hot vice president since... since... WHEN?

Palin, who has been featured in Vogue magazine, is currently serving her first term as governor.

When questioned about the reasons for his choice by a member of the Associated Press, Senator McCain stopped short, then flew into a fit of rage. After kicking the podium onto its side, he stormed off before commenting. Palin simply struck a pose.

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Obama Vows To "End McCain" Once And For All

Presidential Hopeful Obama Swears To Destroy Next President McCain

Over 80,000 spectators filed into Invesco Field to watch the final fight between Barack Obama and John McCain Friday night. The crowd gave Obama a roaring welcome and met lines of his speech with chants of his catchphrase, "Stop trying to hit me and hit me!"

CNN states: "Obama pitted himself against John McCain, repeatedly countering attacks from his Republican rival while casting the election as a choice between change and failure."

The fight, bringing in a line over six miles long with the stadium already filled, finally progressed into round 27 about three and a half hours after it began. McCain, weakened and tired, landed a punch to Obama's jaw, temporarily stunning him. This, however, only angered the Illinois senator who retaliated with a series of hard jabs to McCain's swollen and bloodied face.

Political pundits watching the match stated that the fight was unfair, as Obama continued to crowd McCain and insisted on using illegal kicks.

Although Obama won the match, it was all for naught as, although American's love violence, they still won't be able to get over the fact that he chose Joe Biden as a running mate.

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Nation Shocked, Appalled By Campaign Lip-Synching Scandal

Presidential Candidate Obama Linked To Lip-Synch Disgrace

The nation was shocked last week to learn that all presidential campaign debates have been postponed when it was revealed that Democratic hopeful Barack Obama was using another's voice rather than his own during the year's debates.

It has been gathered that the source of the "phantom voice" is none other than Laurence Fishburne.

"I am outraged," states 1932 Republican candidate Phillip S. Gallagher III of Massachusetts.

"I may be old, but in my day people would nev..." began Mr. Gallagher before passing away quietly from extreme old age. He was 113.

Fishburne's epic role as Morpheus in the hit Matrix Trilogy proved to be a more compelling leader, most think. The fact that Obama has been called a "nerd" and a "McFly" seems to have persuaded the candidate to opt for a stronger voice, even if nothing can be done (at the moment) for his scrawny and duck-like appearance.

Obama could not be reached for comment, nor could John McCain as he was throwing a tantrum at his favourite restaurant Old Smoky's over his lost screen time.

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HE'S AT IT AGAIN!

Look out, women's swim teams!

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New Airbus Likened To Titanic

Superjumbo Jet To Be Next Great Tragedy

In a shocking statement, officials for Emirates Airlines said Saturday that they would like to pay homage to the 1912 Titanic disaster. They reportedly plan on mirroring the tragedy on the maiden flight of the new Airbus A380 to New York on August 1.

The largest passenger jet in the world yet, it is said that "G-d himself could not down this plane".

Passengers include Michael Jackson, UAE billionaire Abdul Aziz Al Ghurair, and actor Crispin Glover. Emirates states they are "ready to lose such famed passengers as it will bring acclaim to [our] airline". One brash difference is that out of the 644 passengers scheduled to be on board, none will survive.

The pilots of the flight have been instructed to "bury the sucker" at or near the site of the 1912 sinking.

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Pope Benedict XVI To Speak About Sex Scandal And How To Accept It

Pope Condones "Kid Touching", Says It Makes G-d Happy

Pope Benedict arrived in Syndey, Australia for the Roman Catholic church's youth festival Saturday. Reportedly, he will rest for three days before joining the festivities of World Youth Day, partying in private with Archbishops, Cardinals and a consortium of altar boys from the festival between the ages of 6 and 13.

Benedict said about his role as leader of the largest church in the world, "...[We] have to give impulse to rediscovering our responsibility and to finding an [ethical] way to change our way of life."

"We have our responsibilities toward creation," he said. "We have to pork children to become closer to G-d. It makes Him happy."

Australia is the third stop-off on his "World Kid-Touching Tour", ending this year. This is also his longest visit, which the Vatican says will test the Pope's stamina.

Benedict is to be greeted at Sydney Harbor on Thursday by a group of Aborigines and other young people from the Pacific Basin. He will deliver what is expected to be an "important address". In 2001, Pope John Paul II issued a formal apology to the indigenous peoples of Australia, New Zealand and the Pacific islands for injustices perpetrated by Catholic missionaries.

Benedict plans to show how much he cares by raping their children.

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President Bush "Makes Out" With Underage Japanese Girl

Bush Tongues Underage Girl At G8 Summit, Laura Approves

Over the weekend, President George W. Bush attended the G8 summit meeting and, when welcomed by a young girl, allegedly proceeded to "make out" with her as a "sign of friendship" to the Japanese people.

This folly coming late in his presidency, Bush stated, "...hey, [she] said she was 18". After his recent arrest in Germany by the self-proclaimed "World Police", Bush views this latest indiscretion as "just another misunderstanding".

"Those Japanese are weird," Bush told reporters before the summit. "After all the stuff I've seen on the interweb, I figured it was custom. She went in first, though; I just didn't want to leave her hangin'."

No charges have been filed.

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Boat Capsizes Near Malaysia, Pirates Again Called Upon

Pirates Summoned To Search For Missing Capsized Boat Passengers

Bad weather is again to blame for the sinking of yet another boat, this time off the coast of Kuala Lumpur. Officials have released statements that all fourteen passengers were Indonesian and may have been attempting to enter Malaysia illegally.

Six passengers are missing, with six having drowned leaving only a 40-year-old man and 25-year-old woman surviving, officials say. The government has called in the Pirates to navigate the waters in search of the others.

This comes only days after the Pirates' expedition to find a capsized ferry in the Philippines. The ferry was capsized due to bad weather caused by Typhoon Fengshen, leaving more than 155 dead on the mainland and 740 missing at sea.

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Typhoon Sinks Ferry, Pirates Called In For Help

Fengshen Devastates the Philippines, Pirates Called In

Our Pirate friends have been granted amnesty with another ferry sinking, this time in the Philippines at the hands of the typhoon Fengshen. Reports state that the typhoon capsized the ferry 'Princess of the Stars', leaving more than 740 passengers missing this morning.

At first glance, most would have been thinking: Pirates!

But no. Not this time.

Our heroes were called in by local governments after Fengshen left 155 dead and submerged entire communities. The Red Cross and and Coast Guard have stepped back to let the Pirates "do their thing".

It is believed that a giant air pocket could be keeping survivors trapped aboard the vessel alive. The Pirates have labelled this their first priority.

"They haven't seen anyone. They're scouring the area. They're studying the direction of the waves to determine where survivors may have drifted," coast guard spokesman Lt. Senior Grade Arman Balilo said.

Vice Admiral Philippe S. Gallagos of the Philippine Navy also stated, "They really know the seas and we are fortunate for their cooperation."

As a side note, Gene Hackman and Ernest Borgnine have been called in to aid in the search for survivors aboard the capsized vessel once it is found.

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8 Out Of 10 Scientists Agree: Emo Kids, Cowboys Share Same Genetic Make-Up

New Study Breaks Barrier Between Rival High School Genres

In a stunning discovery, geneticists in Stockholm, Sweden have finally proven the link between Emo kids and cowboys. The Stockholm Brain Institute says that 8 out of 10 scientists agree on the new breakthrough's findings.

The Swedish study compared the size of the brain's halves in 90 subjects between the age of 13 and 25. Emo kids and cowboys had halves of a similar size, while the right side was bigger in everyone else, especially heterosexual men and lesbian women.

Scientists have noticed for some time that emo kids and cowboys have differences in certain cognitive abilities, suggesting there may be subtle differences in their brain structure. This would explain the difference in music choice.

Dr. Phillip S. Gallagher, a US scientist, stated this is evidence that not only is sexual orientation set in the womb, but so are high school factions and cliques.

"Look at them," said Gallagher, "I mean seriously look at them. They both wear skin-tight jeans and tons of black. They both wear bandanas and sometimes plaid, and I know at least one cowboy in Arizona who has his labret pierced and nipple rings. And hell, they both mope around a lot."

"They also like to take pictures of themselves with no shirts on," he also stated.

When questioned about the neurological findings, Dr. Gallagher stated that he "had to get going".

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President Bush Speaks In Germany, Sent To Jail

U.S. President George Bush Makes Final Official Visit To Europe, Promptly Arrested

George W. Bush spoke at a press conference after speaking with Deutsch Chancellor Angela Merkel. This is part of a six-nation tour that will ultimately mark the last visit to Europe of his presidency. His last tour of Europe took place in 2007 where he visited such unpopular countries as Bulgaria, the Czech Republic and Albania, where he was greeted as a hero. This is most likely because, as is a known fact, Eastern Europe does not have television.

Directly after saying their good-byes, the newly instated "World Police" unit, or WPU, handcuffed the president and led him off to a Berlin jail. The "World Police", created soon after the opening invasion of Iraqattaq, had been awaiting this visit since its announcement as they missed their chance at nabbing the 'war-monger' on his not-so-publicized trip last year. When asked what the charges were, one member of the WPU replied in a very heavy french-accent, with the smell of bourbon on his breath, one charge of being a 'coq' and 'menny, menny, veghry(?) menny sharjez of illegal war'.

"American Vice-President Dick Cheney, you're next," stated WPU team leader Henri Brandeaux, while eating what appeared to be a baguette. A moment later, after chewing, he continued while lighting a cigarette, "under two charges of being an ass."

More on this as it progresses.

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Obama Wins Democratic Ticket, Vows To Destroy Machines

Obama Takes Nomination, Something About "The One"

In a historic event, presidential hopeful Barack Hussein Obama captured the Democratic nomination making him the first African-American in history to win the presidential nomination for any major party.

During his speech Tuesday night, Obama stated, "believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us but if we are to be prepared for it we must first shed our fear of it."

"I stand here without fear because I remember. I remember that I am here not because of the path that lay before me but because of the path that lies behind me," he continued.

When asked how he planned to celebrate his victory, Obama sent the crowd into frenzy. "Let us shake this cave! Tonight let us tremble these walls of earth, steel and stone! Let us be heard from red core to black sky!"

More on this as it progresses.

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Man Reaches Everest Summit, Finds Out It's Been Done Before

Elderly Man's Dream Preceded By Fifty Years and Hundreds of Others

Min Bahadur Sherchan, a 76-year-old Nepalese man, reached the 8,848 foot high summit of Mt. Everest today only to find out that he's 55 years too late.

A life-long dream of Sherchan, he became interested in climbing the mountain when he was in his early twenties. A wager was placed between Sherchan and Nepalese sherpa Tenzing Norgay on who could reach the top first. Unknown to Sherchan until now, Sherpa Tenzing enlisted the aid of famed New Zealander Sir Edmund Hillary.

After bidding his family and friends good-bye almost 60 years ago, he began his long trek towards the "top of the world". His trip was halted several times, however, by the various wise-men sitting cross-legged in thought, whistling out of tune to themselves in their own quest for enlightenment. Sherchan recounts, "They would often ask me questions. Most of them made no sense, but I just couldn't leave without knowing the answers".

He later found out that these questions were not meant to be answered, but to be contemplated seemingly forever in the search for true enlightenment, or "Nirvana".

"I really have no clue what a
defunct 90's grunge band has to do with enlightement," said Sherchan. "I left
them without ever finding the answer to that."

Continuing his quest for the top, Sherchan finally reached his goal only to realise that he'd been beaten by Sherpa Tenzing and Sir Edmund Hillary who had finished the climb in May of 1953. In fact another sherpa guide had completed his eighteenth climb of the mountain just last Thursday.

Although distraught, Sherchan did not let this get in the way of his life's goal. As the oldest man to climb Everest he had beaten Katsusuke Yanagisawa, who had climbed her at the age of 71.

Sherchan reported, "Now I can die happy knowing that bastard Tenzing is already dead"

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