A MYSTERIOUS NOTE

As you may know, I, Jacob Karnas, have been cataloging stories and other bits of information originally penned by an Englishman which I am compiling into my Mediocre and Macabre section of this blog. I realise that I have given very little information as to who this man was while giving you a great deal of information as to what he had done during his long life.

The man was Percy Chesterfield-Kensington, born 1 June, 1860 in London to Lord and Mrs. Percival Chesterfield-Kensington III. At the moment, that is all that is necessary.

In the stacks of papers I have collected, I found a note written on a torn leaf of paper. It is only the first half, however, and after some thought I decided to include it, although it gives very little information about this great man's life. Here, below, is that note.

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FROM THE DESK of Percival Roderick Ignatius Chesterfield-Kensington IV, Esq.

My dear Mr. D------,

It is of greatest importance that I share this with you.

On my last holiday to the south of France, I was informed that a dear friend of mine, Charles B-----------, had passed on and his Summer home near Nice had been left to me. I journeyed there by cab and proceeded to excavate the items left on the premises as had also been requested in the will.

As I moved on through the rooms, I found the most incredible trinkets. One of which was a

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Unfortunately, that is where the page was torn. I assure you, Reader, when I find the second half it will surely be posted promptly, as I (and hopefully you, Reader) am very intrigued to find out what was found by our subject.

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On France

Let me just say this: I despise France.

ALL of it.

Almost as much as I despise Ireland. I will detail that later. To great length.

As for France, the reasons for my hate are as follows:

1. The language is condescending. Not so much the people (cretins) who use it, but the entire tone in which it is spoken is of such that the listener feels stupider with every word. This is mainly due to the fact that each word is elongated and sounds much like a camel urinating. If you've never experienced a camel urinating, repeat this phrase: "Bonjour, comment alez-vous?" That is what a camel urinating sounds like. Dreadful.

2. The Notre Dame Cathedral. The fact that a Frenchman wrote a story about the plight of a deaf and dumb misshapen creature living in the bell tower of one of France's greatest landmark goes to show you what these people (cretins) think of religion. ALSO: The name was taken by an American college who dubbed themselves the "Fighting Irish". Did I mention that I hate Ireland?

3. They are undoubtedly fudge-packers. With their love of chocolate, was this any surprise? They love it almost as much as those horrible Germans, only French chocolate tastes like some type of rubber dropped into a pile of sewage. How do I know what that tastes like, you may ask? I've eaten Turkish food.

4. They are swarthy. With their black and white striped skin-tight shirts and beanie-caps, puffing on cigarettes and prancing around on docks, these people most definitely know every kind of sexual disease first-hand. And they take pride in this (note: the French disease).

5. Their Eiffel Tower is nothing more than a giant penis.

These are the reasons I despise France.

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On Arthur Conan Doyle

I am not going to say that I was the extreme basis for the character Sherlock Holmes, but I will say this: I was the basis for Sherlock Holmes.

While in my final year at the University of Edinburgh in 1880, I met a man by the name of Arthur Conan Doyle. He was an interesting man, fascinated with writing short stories with dreams of sailing a flying ship lifted by balloons across the Atlantic. I was quick to ridicule him for his Verne-ian thoughts and brought his attention to crime stories, stating that "if man were meant to fly, he would have been born with twin Pratt & Whitney J58 engines complete with afterburner and wings". I do not regret this.

During my free time at the university, I enjoyed playing the violin. I also had an incredible knack for being able to tell you bits of obscure information about yourself merely by seeing your clothing. I left the university after graduating in 1881. I met Doyle again in 1886 while traveling through Southsea in Portsmouth. I was in dire need of morphine and stopped into a small physicians office only to find that the physician was none other than Doyle!

He had been writing a short story entitled "A Tangled Skein". It was then that I learned that I was the basis for his main character, Sherlock Holmes. He told me that he had read Poe's "The Murders in the Rue Morgue" and had become quite fond of crime stories. This may be true, however the bastard always credited that hack Dr. Joseph Bell as his inspiration for Holmes. What a prick.

A great friendship grew from that day on. I accompanied Doyle to Brattleboro, Vermont in the United States in 1893. He was visiting his acquaintance Rudyard Kipling and proceeded to instruct him in the game of golf. It was a jolly good time, all except for the time when Kipling called Doyle a "filthy tea cozy", resulting in Arthur knocking him unconcsious during a bout of fisticuffs.

Doyle and I kept in close contact over the years until his death in 1930. In his will, he left me a pipe and magnifying glass, which I took to mean his quiet apology for the Bell/Holmes connection. In return, I added the unbelievably un-Victorian deerstalker hat to the character's appearance. See you in hell, Doyle.

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ON OCTAVE MIRBEAU

IN 1884, when Octave Mirbeau began writing Le Calvaire, I visited him in his cottage (for he had sent out for a typist as he was badly scarred from a gunpowder accident [prank] while he was in the army). Leo Tolstoy was there, too.

Now Mr. Mirbeau was an odd fellow. I recall hearing him sing to himself to the tune of Liszt's "Hungarian Rhapsody #2", mainly the finale that you hear in those Tom and Jerry cartoons. The lyrics were his own, of course. I do not wish to relate them now, as they were so grotesque and sexually explicit, they would give even the Marquis de Sade nightmares. The oddest thing, though, is the fact that he DID delight in chasing mice about with hammers and mallets. Odd fellow indeed.

Perhaps this was but a prelude to his "Torture Garden" and Diary of a Chambermaid".

Anyways, one Summer morning I awakened to find Mr. Mirbeau hovering above my bed holding a typewriter. Also, he was nude. This did not bother me so much as he was holding the machine so it covered his genitals. I did, unfortunately, have quite a difficult time typing on it and thus sent for a replacement. Tolstoy was not amused.

In time, a fond friendship grew between Mr. Mirbeau, Mr. Tolstoy and myself. On many occasions, I accidentally called Mr. Tolstoy "Mr. Dostoevsky". He would laugh and laugh and then hold me captive in the icebox. He said it was like Russia in Winter. I told him he had never been to Siberia. He said "Dostoevsky has!" then laughed heartily. We then joked about "Crime and Punishment", until I realised that I was really talking aboiut "War and Peace". He would then lock me in the icebox again.

After shadow-writing for Mirbeau, I left. I do not know what happened to them after that year and a half I spent in his cottage. Nor do I know who his typist was for his later works. I can only assume that a parcel I received three years later from an "Otto and Leo" was really from them. I could not tell. It was an envelope addressed to me: no letter, nothing inside.

Odd fellows indeed.

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AN INQUEST (PART II)

AS A BONUS, dear Readers, here is the sequel to the previous poem. But first, here is the story of why I wrote them:

When I was a lieutenant in Her Majesty's Royal Army, I was stationed in India. This land promised an extension of our great Empire and brought many opportunities, especially to our more seasoned officers. All day, they would laze about in the shade of an umbrella, their wide, bushy white moustaches quivering from the humidity, eating their sweets and sipping West Bengalese Darjeeling. This was the rest they deserved after long, tedious careers of attending royal parties thrown by influential aristocrats and marching up and down the square.

Anyways, once, I had the honour of shaking hands and having a cup of tea with none other than royal adviser and former Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli. I have, alas, forgotten most of the details (for what we spoke of was droll and of little interest to me). I can tell you this, however: I was thinking of my wife back in England, and it was for her that these two poems were written. My pretty little Eleanor, with eyes like daffodills and hair like the Summer sun. Whose skin was soft and radiant like the sky above. Either her or the beautiful native courtesan girl I had buggered when we crossed through Badnur.

An Inquest (Part II)

Depression. Gloom. Dust. Blood.
Tears; Streaming from a picture,
Smeared. Ruined voices in a bowl

Devestation. Things aren't as they seem.
Words flowing through the air.
Restitution of oneself. Retribution in of oneself,
In fear

Revolt. The overthrow.
Wonderous battles in your mind,
For the greater good; to realise

Volume. Louder, by the second. A noise,
The sound of your voice, softly.
Utter what is, what is not. Somewhere.
Someday. Sometime

Venomous. Sharp and painless.
Elastic looks; craving. The expressions burn,
An unyielding desire

Carnal. Urge. Lust.
Senses lead to nervous actions,
For tonight. Why not always?
They are ours to share

Sickness. Love. Care.
Think. This may go on beyond.
What's next? Has the good come?
I've said it before, dear.
It has already come

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Antichrist Alive And Well In Australia

Spawn Of Satan Living Down Under, Ruining Good Things

The Vatican 'aint seen nothin' yet, says a police spokesman of a young boy who fed 13 zoo animals to the resident saltwater crocodile at the city's Outback Zoo.

Reports say the child of the devil, who's name has been kept secret, went on a killing spree, bashing three lizards to death with rocks and feeding them and others to Terry, an 11-foot saltwater croc. The little bastard hopped the security fence early Wednesday morning and proceeded to cause over $5,500AUS worth of damage to the Alice Springs Reptile Center.

Zoo director Rex Neindorf said that in the security video "the boys face remains largely blank. It was like he was playing a video game."

Vatican officials are saddened by the acts, but are thankful that they now have a pinpoint on the whereabouts of the Bringer of Death.

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$700B Plan Causes Anarchy, Disaster Across Nation

Bailout Plan Causes National Hysteria As All $700B Arrives At Once

In a freak event shortly after 5:00AM EST, all $700 billion necessary for the economic bailout plan arrived in Washington, D.C., spilling over into Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, North and South Dakotas, Delaware, New Jersey and the useful part of Georgia, crushing most areas under the load's tremendous weight.

Reports have come in from vessels all over the Eastern Seaboard that U.S. Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson was seen standing atop what looked to be a giant tsunami of cold-hard cash before it destroyed most of the United States.

The Financial district in New York, however, finally lucked out as investors and brokers alike clammored the banks of the Hudson River, picking cash floating from what was once New Jersey from the waters. Reports from all over the Northeast tell us that banks and businesses everywhere are "doing swell now".

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Senate Votes On $700B "Feed The Rich" Bill

Senators Hope That Bill Will Save Them, Other Immensely Wealthy

Yesterday, in an attempt to bailout the economy, the U.S. Senate voted in favour of saving themselves and the rest of the 1% of the population's wealthy and powerful.

The House vote on 29 September proved unsuccessul for the amendment by a margin of 228 to 205.

With the vote ending at 74-Yea 25-Nay, President George W. Bush said that he "applauds the Senate on their strong bisexual vote". Moments later, he retracted his statement and released a new one, changing the word bisexual to artesian. After a White House speech writer whispered into his ear, President Bush again retracted his statement saying, "Bipartisan. Whatever, you know what I mean." This was followed by that little chuckle he does.

The bill proposed tax breaks for businesses, tax credits for the use of alternative energy, increase in deposit insurance limits (FDIC) and tax reductions for victims of severe weather. Something about "sinking ship", "nation's rich, powerful" and "get out now" were briefly seen on page 61 before Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson turned the page.

Also seen were references to "Ha ha ha! Power! Unlimited spending power!" These, however, can not be confirmed.

The bill, [suprisingly] opposed by many Republican politicians, needed only 60 votes under legislative rule to approve the amendment and the bill. All but one senator, "political Jesus" Ted Kennedy-D, voted.

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9 Out Of 10 Scientists Agree: Blondes Have Less Fun

Blondes, Scientists Say, Don't Have More Fun

It's shocking, I know. However this is the conclusion geneticists at Stockholm Brain Institute have come upon: blondes have the same amount of fun or less as everyone else.

Sweden's top scientists, working for over three years, conducted studies testing brain waves, basic facial expression and body language on subjects with brown, red and yellow hair. The subjects, all within the age limit 18 through 25, were put through several 'real-life simulators' including "Amusement Park", "Getaway Vacation to the Mediterrean" and "Bad-", "Mediocre-" and "Best of Your Life-Sex".

These studies all together have formally and finally put the age-old misconception that blondes have more fun to rest.

In other news: Paris Hilton is pissed. "That is SOOO not hott," says the former heiress to the Hilton Hotel fortune.

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McCain Has Chosen A Running Mate... And She's Bookishly Attractive!

McCain's New Running Mate Hot Governor From Alaska

***BREAKING NEWS***

Presidential hopeful, Senator John McCain of Arizona, has chosen his running mate: Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska.

Is it possible? Our first hot vice president since... since... WHEN?

Palin, who has been featured in Vogue magazine, is currently serving her first term as governor.

When questioned about the reasons for his choice by a member of the Associated Press, Senator McCain stopped short, then flew into a fit of rage. After kicking the podium onto its side, he stormed off before commenting. Palin simply struck a pose.

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Obama Vows To "End McCain" Once And For All

Presidential Hopeful Obama Swears To Destroy Next President McCain

Over 80,000 spectators filed into Invesco Field to watch the final fight between Barack Obama and John McCain Friday night. The crowd gave Obama a roaring welcome and met lines of his speech with chants of his catchphrase, "Stop trying to hit me and hit me!"

CNN states: "Obama pitted himself against John McCain, repeatedly countering attacks from his Republican rival while casting the election as a choice between change and failure."

The fight, bringing in a line over six miles long with the stadium already filled, finally progressed into round 27 about three and a half hours after it began. McCain, weakened and tired, landed a punch to Obama's jaw, temporarily stunning him. This, however, only angered the Illinois senator who retaliated with a series of hard jabs to McCain's swollen and bloodied face.

Political pundits watching the match stated that the fight was unfair, as Obama continued to crowd McCain and insisted on using illegal kicks.

Although Obama won the match, it was all for naught as, although American's love violence, they still won't be able to get over the fact that he chose Joe Biden as a running mate.

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Nation Shocked, Appalled By Campaign Lip-Synching Scandal

Presidential Candidate Obama Linked To Lip-Synch Disgrace

The nation was shocked last week to learn that all presidential campaign debates have been postponed when it was revealed that Democratic hopeful Barack Obama was using another's voice rather than his own during the year's debates.

It has been gathered that the source of the "phantom voice" is none other than Laurence Fishburne.

"I am outraged," states 1932 Republican candidate Phillip S. Gallagher III of Massachusetts.

"I may be old, but in my day people would nev..." began Mr. Gallagher before passing away quietly from extreme old age. He was 113.

Fishburne's epic role as Morpheus in the hit Matrix Trilogy proved to be a more compelling leader, most think. The fact that Obama has been called a "nerd" and a "McFly" seems to have persuaded the candidate to opt for a stronger voice, even if nothing can be done (at the moment) for his scrawny and duck-like appearance.

Obama could not be reached for comment, nor could John McCain as he was throwing a tantrum at his favourite restaurant Old Smoky's over his lost screen time.

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New Airbus Likened To Titanic

Superjumbo Jet To Be Next Great Tragedy

In a shocking statement, officials for Emirates Airlines said Saturday that they would like to pay homage to the 1912 Titanic disaster. They reportedly plan on mirroring the tragedy on the maiden flight of the new Airbus A380 to New York on August 1.

The largest passenger jet in the world yet, it is said that "G-d himself could not down this plane".

Passengers include Michael Jackson, UAE billionaire Abdul Aziz Al Ghurair, and actor Crispin Glover. Emirates states they are "ready to lose such famed passengers as it will bring acclaim to [our] airline". One brash difference is that out of the 644 passengers scheduled to be on board, none will survive.

The pilots of the flight have been instructed to "bury the sucker" at or near the site of the 1912 sinking.

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Pope Benedict XVI To Speak About Sex Scandal And How To Accept It

Pope Condones "Kid Touching", Says It Makes G-d Happy

Pope Benedict arrived in Syndey, Australia for the Roman Catholic church's youth festival Saturday. Reportedly, he will rest for three days before joining the festivities of World Youth Day, partying in private with Archbishops, Cardinals and a consortium of altar boys from the festival between the ages of 6 and 13.

Benedict said about his role as leader of the largest church in the world, "...[We] have to give impulse to rediscovering our responsibility and to finding an [ethical] way to change our way of life."

"We have our responsibilities toward creation," he said. "We have to pork children to become closer to G-d. It makes Him happy."

Australia is the third stop-off on his "World Kid-Touching Tour", ending this year. This is also his longest visit, which the Vatican says will test the Pope's stamina.

Benedict is to be greeted at Sydney Harbor on Thursday by a group of Aborigines and other young people from the Pacific Basin. He will deliver what is expected to be an "important address". In 2001, Pope John Paul II issued a formal apology to the indigenous peoples of Australia, New Zealand and the Pacific islands for injustices perpetrated by Catholic missionaries.

Benedict plans to show how much he cares by raping their children.

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President Bush "Makes Out" With Underage Japanese Girl

Bush Tongues Underage Girl At G8 Summit, Laura Approves

Over the weekend, President George W. Bush attended the G8 summit meeting and, when welcomed by a young girl, allegedly proceeded to "make out" with her as a "sign of friendship" to the Japanese people.

This folly coming late in his presidency, Bush stated, "...hey, [she] said she was 18". After his recent arrest in Germany by the self-proclaimed "World Police", Bush views this latest indiscretion as "just another misunderstanding".

"Those Japanese are weird," Bush told reporters before the summit. "After all the stuff I've seen on the interweb, I figured it was custom. She went in first, though; I just didn't want to leave her hangin'."

No charges have been filed.

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Boat Capsizes Near Malaysia, Pirates Again Called Upon

Pirates Summoned To Search For Missing Capsized Boat Passengers

Bad weather is again to blame for the sinking of yet another boat, this time off the coast of Kuala Lumpur. Officials have released statements that all fourteen passengers were Indonesian and may have been attempting to enter Malaysia illegally.

Six passengers are missing, with six having drowned leaving only a 40-year-old man and 25-year-old woman surviving, officials say. The government has called in the Pirates to navigate the waters in search of the others.

This comes only days after the Pirates' expedition to find a capsized ferry in the Philippines. The ferry was capsized due to bad weather caused by Typhoon Fengshen, leaving more than 155 dead on the mainland and 740 missing at sea.

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Typhoon Sinks Ferry, Pirates Called In For Help

Fengshen Devastates the Philippines, Pirates Called In

Our Pirate friends have been granted amnesty with another ferry sinking, this time in the Philippines at the hands of the typhoon Fengshen. Reports state that the typhoon capsized the ferry 'Princess of the Stars', leaving more than 740 passengers missing this morning.

At first glance, most would have been thinking: Pirates!

But no. Not this time.

Our heroes were called in by local governments after Fengshen left 155 dead and submerged entire communities. The Red Cross and and Coast Guard have stepped back to let the Pirates "do their thing".

It is believed that a giant air pocket could be keeping survivors trapped aboard the vessel alive. The Pirates have labelled this their first priority.

"They haven't seen anyone. They're scouring the area. They're studying the direction of the waves to determine where survivors may have drifted," coast guard spokesman Lt. Senior Grade Arman Balilo said.

Vice Admiral Philippe S. Gallagos of the Philippine Navy also stated, "They really know the seas and we are fortunate for their cooperation."

As a side note, Gene Hackman and Ernest Borgnine have been called in to aid in the search for survivors aboard the capsized vessel once it is found.

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8 Out Of 10 Scientists Agree: Emo Kids, Cowboys Share Same Genetic Make-Up

New Study Breaks Barrier Between Rival High School Genres

In a stunning discovery, geneticists in Stockholm, Sweden have finally proven the link between Emo kids and cowboys. The Stockholm Brain Institute says that 8 out of 10 scientists agree on the new breakthrough's findings.

The Swedish study compared the size of the brain's halves in 90 subjects between the age of 13 and 25. Emo kids and cowboys had halves of a similar size, while the right side was bigger in everyone else, especially heterosexual men and lesbian women.

Scientists have noticed for some time that emo kids and cowboys have differences in certain cognitive abilities, suggesting there may be subtle differences in their brain structure. This would explain the difference in music choice.

Dr. Phillip S. Gallagher, a US scientist, stated this is evidence that not only is sexual orientation set in the womb, but so are high school factions and cliques.

"Look at them," said Gallagher, "I mean seriously look at them. They both wear skin-tight jeans and tons of black. They both wear bandanas and sometimes plaid, and I know at least one cowboy in Arizona who has his labret pierced and nipple rings. And hell, they both mope around a lot."

"They also like to take pictures of themselves with no shirts on," he also stated.

When questioned about the neurological findings, Dr. Gallagher stated that he "had to get going".

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President Bush Speaks In Germany, Sent To Jail

U.S. President George Bush Makes Final Official Visit To Europe, Promptly Arrested

George W. Bush spoke at a press conference after speaking with Deutsch Chancellor Angela Merkel. This is part of a six-nation tour that will ultimately mark the last visit to Europe of his presidency. His last tour of Europe took place in 2007 where he visited such unpopular countries as Bulgaria, the Czech Republic and Albania, where he was greeted as a hero. This is most likely because, as is a known fact, Eastern Europe does not have television.

Directly after saying their good-byes, the newly instated "World Police" unit, or WPU, handcuffed the president and led him off to a Berlin jail. The "World Police", created soon after the opening invasion of Iraqattaq, had been awaiting this visit since its announcement as they missed their chance at nabbing the 'war-monger' on his not-so-publicized trip last year. When asked what the charges were, one member of the WPU replied in a very heavy french-accent, with the smell of bourbon on his breath, one charge of being a 'coq' and 'menny, menny, veghry(?) menny sharjez of illegal war'.

"American Vice-President Dick Cheney, you're next," stated WPU team leader Henri Brandeaux, while eating what appeared to be a baguette. A moment later, after chewing, he continued while lighting a cigarette, "under two charges of being an ass."

More on this as it progresses.

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Obama Wins Democratic Ticket, Vows To Destroy Machines

Obama Takes Nomination, Something About "The One"

In a historic event, presidential hopeful Barack Hussein Obama captured the Democratic nomination making him the first African-American in history to win the presidential nomination for any major party.

During his speech Tuesday night, Obama stated, "believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us but if we are to be prepared for it we must first shed our fear of it."

"I stand here without fear because I remember. I remember that I am here not because of the path that lay before me but because of the path that lies behind me," he continued.

When asked how he planned to celebrate his victory, Obama sent the crowd into frenzy. "Let us shake this cave! Tonight let us tremble these walls of earth, steel and stone! Let us be heard from red core to black sky!"

More on this as it progresses.

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