Obama Wins Democratic Ticket, Vows To Destroy Machines

Obama Takes Nomination, Something About "The One"

In a historic event, presidential hopeful Barack Hussein Obama captured the Democratic nomination making him the first African-American in history to win the presidential nomination for any major party.

During his speech Tuesday night, Obama stated, "believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us but if we are to be prepared for it we must first shed our fear of it."

"I stand here without fear because I remember. I remember that I am here not because of the path that lay before me but because of the path that lies behind me," he continued.

When asked how he planned to celebrate his victory, Obama sent the crowd into frenzy. "Let us shake this cave! Tonight let us tremble these walls of earth, steel and stone! Let us be heard from red core to black sky!"

More on this as it progresses.

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Obama Gains Help With Campaign From Satan

Satan Aids Obama In Presidential Race

The former Bush aid Satan, commonly referred to as "Karl Rove", has addressed 2008 presidential candidate Barack Obama in his latest Newsweek column stating that "[Barack's] once-strong candidacy has gotten weaker and you're making mistakes and making people worry".

Obama's reactions to his former pastor's comments and remarks about small town Americans have led to a weakened campaign and dwindling support for the Illinois senator.

Taking Rove's advice to heart, Obama has gone into seclusion in the past week, reportedly summoning the spirits of deceased past presidents and lesser demons to help win back support of his once-loyal following. Rove has travelled to Kenwood in Chicago to help Obama with the assembly of the dead, which include former-presidents Richard Nixon, Lyndon Johnson and Herbert Hoover. Also in attendance were the demon Belial and Niccolò Machiavelli. Lucifer was unable to attend directly, but sent in his stead Adolf Hitler.

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