For more of the MEDIOCRE and the MACABRE, subscribe and be AMAZED!

Karnas TickroBlog

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

THIS JUST IN: The Newborn Prince of Cambridge Has Been Named

You heard it here first.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have issued the name of their newborn son, the Prince of Cambridge, and you won't believe what it is: &

That's right, &.

In a bold move eschewing formal tradition, Prince William Duchess Catherine have decided upon the name taking a cue from the American music artist Prince. Their son, & Philip William James Louis (who will be called Ampersand or 'Ampy' as his grandmother Queen Elizabeth II insists upon calling him), is in good health on leaving the Lindo Wing at Saint Mary's Hospital in London.

"It's a most blessed occasion and a fitting name for the changing times," says Philip Gallagher, a personal aide to the Archbishop of Canterbury. "With the new laws on homosexual marriage, while His Grace does not primarily approve, it does show a great leap forward in both modern culture and that of the heavily outdated and archaic traditions we dearly uphold."

Having already been fitted for breeches and dress boots, the newborn was seen out in the fields training with his father in the Equestrian arts shortly after arriving home for the first time. Most posh, indeed.

[That is all.]

Thursday, 18 July 2013

PETA Condemns 'Pacific Rim' For Promoting Anti-Monster Sentiments

Animal-Rights Group PETA Says del Toro Has Gone "Too Far, Too Deep"

The Norfolk, Va-based group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has called out famed Mexican director Guillermo del Toro for instigating so-called "monster-based hatred and aggression" in his new film 'Pacific Rim'. Depicting a near-futuristic Earth locked in struggle with an invading alien/monster force wreaking havoc from the depths of the ocean, the summer blockbuster promotes the killing and dismemberment of the beastly aggressors according to PETA and that has them crying foul.

"Monsters have rights too, you know," says Phillip Gallagher, head of PETA's Media and Entertainment Animal Treatment division, or MEAT.

The organization has taken to picketing movie theaters playing the film. Tens of members nation wide have grabbed their signs and proverbial pitchforks and taken to the sidewalks in efforts to stop movie-goers from viewing the "hate-filled destruction of monsters and monster-kind", spoiling the film for dozens.

"These people have a right to know that it's not just a robot movie, but also an ode to the outright murder of monsters," says Gallagher.

Claiming that the illegal exotic-animal parts trade is shown in a comical light, PETA has enlisted Greenpeace's help in castigating the film. Greenpeace has taken to the sea in efforts to admonish the crass treatment of the aquatic monsters. What their plan is has yet to be understood by the general public or even Greenpeace volunteers themselves. PETA has also contacted the Center for the Safety of Intergalactic, Inter-Dimensional and Interplanetary Beings informing them of the injustices represented to which the CSIIDIB replied, "It's just a movie, guys".

Del Toro has refused to comment on the protests but has confirmed to us that 'Pacific Rim' is just the first film of a guadrilogy.

[That is all.]

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

On Fisticuffs

Dear B---------------,

Having been a member of Her Majesty's service (as you well know), may it be known that during my travels to the ends of the Earth and back I have been a part of quite a few 'knuckle-a-does', or skiddlythrawlups as they have been called. Scuzzykunduits are quite the rush and do bring forth the adrenaline in a way that one may not know friend from foe. Due to this, you see, many allies are downed and sometimes killed during skirmyblankgoslits and I am writing to better help my fellow Englishman in his future dealings with such things.

As a man of pedigree and sophistication, of course with my high status and careful upbringing under a father who is currently seated in the House of Lords, I was taught by much trashing and horrible (but sound) beatings whenever I had erred. This, my friend, is the way of high society and quasi-royal blood. I was not to fight back until I had proved my worth by capturing, with my bare teeth mind you, one specimen of the most base, vile and feared wild predator in our fair land: the dreaded hamster.

I will not regale you with my most daring and unpusillanimous retrieval of the stark predator as I am certain it will bore you greatly.

The night I returned with the animal clenched between my teeth like a man, an English man, my father allow'd the most honourable of trashings to be had on his body. I beat him thoroughly, my friend. Yes I did. A colour his pasty white exterior had never to that day exuded.

But I feel I have, in my punch-drunk stupor (you see, I have just thoroughly endured a terrible and unforgettable beating myself. The other chap is clearly dead -he lies before me in my study; bloodied, red and smelling of death before me as I have just racked his body with so many flitterpomps and tern-o-blix in life that he keeled over, quite dead and seething of the very gin I had poured him only twenty-five minutes ago, before he called my last-century painting of the King a forgery) I have diverged from the point. And again.

The point, dear B--------------- is, don't take any guff from anyone, be they the Prince (as I have so thoroughly shattered (and presumably killed) or any Chinese dock-worker (as I have so thoroughly shattered and killed many).

Yours, as always,

Percival Chesterfield-Kensigton IV

[That is all]