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Karnas TickroBlog

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

THIS JUST IN: The Newborn Prince of Cambridge Has Been Named

You heard it here first.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have issued the name of their newborn son, the Prince of Cambridge, and you won't believe what it is: &

That's right, &.

In a bold move eschewing formal tradition, Prince William Duchess Catherine have decided upon the name taking a cue from the American music artist Prince. Their son, & Philip William James Louis (who will be called Ampersand or 'Ampy' as his grandmother Queen Elizabeth II insists upon calling him), is in good health on leaving the Lindo Wing at Saint Mary's Hospital in London.

"It's a most blessed occasion and a fitting name for the changing times," says Philip Gallagher, a personal aide to the Archbishop of Canterbury. "With the new laws on homosexual marriage, while His Grace does not primarily approve, it does show a great leap forward in both modern culture and that of the heavily outdated and archaic traditions we dearly uphold."

Having already been fitted for breeches and dress boots, the newborn was seen out in the fields training with his father in the Equestrian arts shortly after arriving home for the first time. Most posh, indeed.

[That is all.]

Thursday, 18 July 2013

PETA Condemns 'Pacific Rim' For Promoting Anti-Monster Sentiments

Animal-Rights Group PETA Says del Toro Has Gone "Too Far, Too Deep"

The Norfolk, Va-based group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has called out famed Mexican director Guillermo del Toro for instigating so-called "monster-based hatred and aggression" in his new film 'Pacific Rim'. Depicting a near-futuristic Earth locked in struggle with an invading alien/monster force wreaking havoc from the depths of the ocean, the summer blockbuster promotes the killing and dismemberment of the beastly aggressors according to PETA and that has them crying foul.

"Monsters have rights too, you know," says Phillip Gallagher, head of PETA's Media and Entertainment Animal Treatment division, or MEAT.

The organization has taken to picketing movie theaters playing the film. Tens of members nation wide have grabbed their signs and proverbial pitchforks and taken to the sidewalks in efforts to stop movie-goers from viewing the "hate-filled destruction of monsters and monster-kind", spoiling the film for dozens.

"These people have a right to know that it's not just a robot movie, but also an ode to the outright murder of monsters," says Gallagher.

Claiming that the illegal exotic-animal parts trade is shown in a comical light, PETA has enlisted Greenpeace's help in castigating the film. Greenpeace has taken to the sea in efforts to admonish the crass treatment of the aquatic monsters. What their plan is has yet to be understood by the general public or even Greenpeace volunteers themselves. PETA has also contacted the Center for the Safety of Intergalactic, Inter-Dimensional and Interplanetary Beings informing them of the injustices represented to which the CSIIDIB replied, "It's just a movie, guys".

Del Toro has refused to comment on the protests but has confirmed to us that 'Pacific Rim' is just the first film of a guadrilogy.

[That is all.]