I'M WRITING A BOOK

Yes, it's true.

And for some reason, people don't take me seriously when I say that I am, in fact, writing a book. Especially my mother. In all seriousness, though, I plan to do so and none of you can stop me now.

As some of you know, I prefer typing on an actual typewriter than typing on a computer. This is because I've lost many scripts that I (stupidly) did not back-up in any other way. Over the last few (three) weeks, I've been pounding away on my Remington. So far, the first few (three) chapters are complete.

To be honest, I find myself hilarious. My writing, not 'myself'. I'm very serious when I need to be and absolutely nothing to laugh about. Sometimes I just can't help laughing at my own work.

Me writing a page for the second chapter:

Me laughing at the sheer brilliance that is written on that same page:

Here is the Remington that I use to produce the brilliance:

And no, that wasn't Hodgman's book. I prefer to write after myself rather than use the same writing form and manuevers found in other authors' writings. Seriously, use this photo instead:

Someday soon, at your local Borders or Barnes and Noble, you'll be seeing this face:
Of course it will be done in a better light and my hair look much better. And it will not be of me in that bedroom. It will SHOCK YOU and you'll probably buy it.

More updates regarding this LATER.

[That is all]

Man Reaches Everest Summit, Finds Out It's Been Done Before

Elderly Man's Dream Preceded By Fifty Years and Hundreds of Others

Min Bahadur Sherchan, a 76-year-old Nepalese man, reached the 8,848 foot high summit of Mt. Everest today only to find out that he's 55 years too late.

A life-long dream of Sherchan, he became interested in climbing the mountain when he was in his early twenties. A wager was placed between Sherchan and Nepalese sherpa Tenzing Norgay on who could reach the top first. Unknown to Sherchan until now, Sherpa Tenzing enlisted the aid of famed New Zealander Sir Edmund Hillary.

After bidding his family and friends good-bye almost 60 years ago, he began his long trek towards the "top of the world". His trip was halted several times, however, by the various wise-men sitting cross-legged in thought, whistling out of tune to themselves in their own quest for enlightenment. Sherchan recounts, "They would often ask me questions. Most of them made no sense, but I just couldn't leave without knowing the answers".

He later found out that these questions were not meant to be answered, but to be contemplated seemingly forever in the search for true enlightenment, or "Nirvana".

"I really have no clue what a
defunct 90's grunge band has to do with enlightement," said Sherchan. "I left
them without ever finding the answer to that."

Continuing his quest for the top, Sherchan finally reached his goal only to realise that he'd been beaten by Sherpa Tenzing and Sir Edmund Hillary who had finished the climb in May of 1953. In fact another sherpa guide had completed his eighteenth climb of the mountain just last Thursday.

Although distraught, Sherchan did not let this get in the way of his life's goal. As the oldest man to climb Everest he had beaten Katsusuke Yanagisawa, who had climbed her at the age of 71.

Sherchan reported, "Now I can die happy knowing that bastard Tenzing is already dead"

[That is all]

I HAVE BEEN ALERTED THAT I AM 'UNFUNNY'

...by a certain someone who will remain unnamed.

IS THIS TRUE? Or is it just her?

Me: Why would a review make the point of saying someone's 'not' funny? You think I'm especially 'not' funny? (pause) You didn't even have to think about it, did you?

ALSO: me=:(

[That is all]

Automobile Accidents in Africa Lead to Water Shortage Elsewhere

Collisions Place Water In Short Supply Around the Globe

You've all heard of the rise in food prices over the past few months, but water? News of water shortages around the world has been picked up and you'll be surprised to hear the cause: auto collisions in Africa.

At a Hilton hotel, location undisclosed, reports of 'low' or 'no water pressure' and "fuck you, I'm not paying because there's no water" have surfaced. The reason behind this specific incedent: a three-car pile-up shearing a fire hydrant in Enugu, Nigeria.

Reports of the what officials are calling 'Water Crisis 2008' have only just begun and according to researchers, will continue on at flash-speed*. After looking into certain reports, it appears that pirates my have been involved but are not a primary factor.

More on this later.

*Author's Note: Flash speed=extremely fast, normally pertaining to any action performed by the U.S. government; the rate at which any government agency performs a given task. Flash speed pertains to: tax returns, economic stimulus payments, lawmaking, lawpassing, clearing lawbreaking big business CEOs of all criminal charges, etc.

[That is all]

I HAVE BEEN CONNED INTO UPDATING MY BLOG

...In order to promote Taylor Genovese's radio show...

THE MT IRONSTAG SHOW

I DETEST THE RADIO and most of what happens on it. Whenever I travel by automobile, I generally listen to a cd or music device. This hate does not extend to the MT Ironstag Show. Hosted by Murray (David Vick) and Flint Ironstag (Taylor Genovese), this radio program is not for the faint of heart. The MT Ironstag show is a mash-up between "local morning show" and Howard Stern; if Howard Stern was toned down to a two-and-a-half hour limit. Per week. And the FCC hadn't been notified (which they haven't).

With regular guests Manservant Jacoby (Jacob Brown), the hosts' Yugoslavian butler (who also has a strange affinity for cats: both the animal and the musical); Dr. Melvin Rosenblatt, Ph.D, a pediatric gynecologist (and also the Author's 'radio personality'), affectionately referred to as 'Dr. Jew'; as well as many, MANY others.

Although most of my Readers live elsewhere, it is still possible to listen to these grinning bastards of the airwaves. Simply visit: http://www.themtironstagshow.com for a live stream of the show Sunday nights at 7:30P-10:00P Pacific. That's 10:30P-1:00A Eastern. Again, that's 3:30A-6:00A in England (for my one Reader in London).

Listen to them and be AMAZED. You'll feel better about yourself.

[That is all]

SHANKING ON A MONDAY NIGHT

IF YOU DON'T KNOW Michael Saxon, you are in for a real treat. A recounted story, with instructions on...

HOW TO ALMOST GET SHANKED: A GUIDE

Earlier this night at IHOP:

Jacob Brown,
Michael Saxon,
Steve
and I (Author)

were having a good time. Unfortunately...
Taylor wasn't there.

While outside, perfecting my new unit of measurement*, we noticed what appeared to be a group of five or more gang members across the street. One appeared to be injured. While watching, Michael Saxon (who until this time had been inside paying his bill) decided to get their attention AND WAVE TO THEM.

Two of them broke off from their group and ran towards us, seemingly READY FOR ASSAULT. Steve screamed and threw himself into the car. Jacob and Michael hastily got in as well. I continued smoking (not realising what was happening) until I was forced in. Upset that I hadn't finished my cigarette, I then saw the attackers approaching.

Brown threw the car in reverse and left through the back entrance. We circled around to not only get away, but also to see if they were still there. I was still upset about my cigarette and grumbled about this all the way back to Saxon's.

LET'S REVUE!

Sure steps that will most likely LAND YOU IN THE HOSPITAL:

1. Find a group of two or more gang members or 'thugs'.
2. Bring attention to yourself. Waving a coloured cloth or rag should do fine.
3. As we said "almost", find a place to hide or GET AWAY QUICKLY.
4. If you are with friends, apologize profusely, even after you've been dropped off. Text messaging is a great way to annoy everyone involved. This will probably not help your case.

*(See Things You Did Not Know About The Author: Article #4)

[That is all]

Ferry Capsizes, Pirates Possibly Involved

Ferry Sinks Near Haiti, Pirates Suspect

A ferry off the coast of Haiti capsized due to "overcrowding" Saturday night. Over 100 passengers were able to swim to safety as the boat sank. Eleven bodies were found, five of which were children.

The boat was reportedly on a two-day trip to Porte-au-Prince, transporting passengers, charcoal and food. According to U.N. peacekeeping spokesman David Wimhurst, the boat became "overcrowded" after several stops taking on passengers and cargo.

Nice try, U.N.

Several reports of an unidentified "ratty-looking" ship were filed last week by merchant vessels off the coast of Cuba. I take this to mean: Pirates.

The very pirates who were the scourge of the waters off the coast of Somalia last month have relocated to the West Indies or swarmed ALL SEAS. And if they haven't: I suggest they do.

We wait now in hopes that our newsmaking brigands come back into the spotlight.

[That is all]

Simpson: "I totally did it. With an axe."

O.J. Whores: Get Ready For Another Book

A new tell-all book is to be released on Monday recounting a night weeks after the alleged murderof Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman. If you aren't as bored reading about yet another fiasco involving this asshole as I am writing about it, you may find this interesting. Also, most of this is made up.

Written by yet another person involved we hadn't heard about (nor cared to), Mike Gilbert, the book tells of a night when, high on a marijuana/cocaine/heroine/PCP/cracked pepper binge, O.J. Simpson confessed to the murder of his ex-wife. He also tells of how he gave Simpson advice, instructing him on ways to bloat his hands.

There is also a new theory regarding the deaths: O.J. did not bring a knife with him, but Nicole Brown Simpson answered the door with the knife in her hand.

WOW.

A quote has Simpson stating, "If she hadn't opened that door with a knife in her hand ... she'd still be alive." An accurate depiction shows Simpson bringing an axe instead, leading to the next statement: I totally did it. With an axe.

SHOCKING.

As it appears, there is a lot of money to be made just by writing the name 'O.J. Simpson'. If you plan to cash-in by writing a pseudo-fiction/semi-true/quasi-realistic O.J. Simpson crime drama, please: get in line.

[That is all]

SOME INFORMATION YOU DIDN'T NEED BUT COULD BENEFIT FROM

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE: what a cruel and unforgiving mixture of German, Latin and various dialects the world over.

Last night, the mother of a good friend (who operates a small [legitimate and legal] herbal relief shop) was helping me by giving me what I thought was a 'vulnery' or 'vulnary'. And wikipedia had no reference.

This is why (a message from her):

"So last night, when you looked up "vulnery/vulnary" and found nothing, here's why:
Evidently it is a word that is not commonly pronounced the way it is actually spelled, like sarsaparilla. Everyone pronounces it SAS-PA-RILA -- but it is actually pronounced Sar-sap-a-rila. And when you say it correctly, you sound silly. But you never know where you'll say it incorrectly to not sound silly, and instead sound uninformed because of the wrong pronunciation.
So any way 'vulnery" is actually spelled vulnerary. Now I will say it correctly (vul-ner-ary) and be thought of as daft, while being superior, yet not appearing so to the masses. You get what I mean . . ."

INTERESTING AND INFORMATIVE.

[That is all.]

POST-TRAUMA: MY NIGHT IN TRIAGE

AS MANY OF YOU NOW KNOW, I was brutally mauled and maimed by a Rottweiler yesterday, just after my last post.

I realise, of course, that I wasn't very specific when I notified many and may have caused confusion. To clarify: my face is still intact. Mostly. You see, what happened was, I was playing with the other dog, a Rhodesian Ridgeback. The other, a Rottweiler, became jealous and lunged at my beautiful face, severing the top lip and excising a sizable chunk of my bottom lip.

Now many of you may take the dogs case into account. You may say things like: he's a Rottweiler, you should have known better.

In fact, I KNOW JUST FINE.

The Rottweiler and I were good friends. I would often go backpacking and mountain-climbing with him and he would attend movie showings and book signings with me. But as history goes, Germans and Jews have not always gotten along so well.

Also, take into account that it was the Rottweiler that was the host for the Xenomorph in Alien 3.

For your viewing pleasure, I've provided links to images of the wound before suture. I assure you, these are not for the FAINT OF HEART and should be viewed carefully as not to frighten those around you with screams of horror.

Side View , From Above , Close Up

I will post images of the sutured wound in time, when I am more comfortable with my hideousness.

KARNALYTICS

Here is your very first STATE OF THE WEBSITE. Here I will do my best to keep you up to date with how I'm faring socially via this blog. The pictures are very small. To research them in detail, please click on them to make them larger.

As it appears, I may be quite popular. Note, I said MAY BE.


Above is a WORLD VIEW of my Readers. As you can see, the majority are situated within the United States (labeled with arrows). The reason: most American's read English and I, the Author, write primarily in English. I realise the bounce rate looks high. This does not mean people hate my site. This is apparent by the percentage of new visits. At 38.52%, that means 61.48% of visitors are returning: RETURNING TO READ! Another reason for the high bounce rate: I have only one important page to view.


Here we delve a little deeper. With the United States holding the majority of my fans, we can now see clearly that Arizona and Tennessee are the biggest fans in the States. Or are they?*

Here, the bounce rate drops slightly. The percentage of new visitors also slightly declines. This is also a good thing. This means that I have returning Readers and also that they are bringing friends. Massachusetts, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Virginia, South Carolina, Colorado, Oklahoma and Texas all seem to be pretty sleepy. You may also note that it says 12 regions yet there are only 11 highlighted. This is labeled on my personal charts as 'not set'. I take this to mean that someone in either the government is reading or perhaps Hoboken, New Jersey, which I refuse to believe is inhabited by humans, but is the seat of Heaven.

You may ask: what about California? Read on.


*California appears to hold my SINGLE BIGGEST FAN. The average time on site alone makes me feel special. Also, there is a Reader in Hollywood. This really intrigues me as I am an ASPIRING FILMMAKER.

There is your monthly STATE OF THE WEBSITE.

Get out there. Do your part. Bring more Readers, as the content hungers for more.

That is all.

Horse Finishes Second Place, Subsequently Euthanized

Horse "Put Down" After Finishing Second At Kentucky Derby

It was a grim after-party for second place finisher Seven Gents. After losing to Large Auburn on Saturday, the filly was euthanized just after finishing a cool-down run of the track.

"There was no way," reported trainer Phillip Gallagher when interviewed by the Associated Press. "She ran an incredible race." But that just wasn't enough. Without the win, nobody from Buckberry Farms could be happy. A hitman (hired by the owner of Buckberry Farms) positioned near the second turn fired two shots, both hitting each ankle.

"She didn't have a front leg to stand on to be splinted and hauled off in the ambulance," said an on-call veterinarian.

The owners of Buckberry Farms could not be reached for comment.

That is all.

Times Finally Change: Universities Allow Co-Ed Dormitories, Elderly Furious

Social-Ludditism Finally Gives Way In University Living

Times are finally changing. Universities and colleges across the nation are allowing the unspeakable: co-ed living arrangements in dorms.

Wesleyan University, Brown and California Institute of Technology have all opted for open living arrangements with Stanford University soon to follow suit. Not everyone, however, is happy with this change in once-1950's America. "This would have been an outrage in my day," says one Phillip Gallagher, 75. "We weren't allowed to when we were young, why should they?"

Bitter letters have been flooding deans' offices all across the United States. "They're just going to have to deal with it," says Dean Derby Hastings of Haverstatham University, located in Framingham, Massachusetts. "It's unfair reasoning. Just because they couldn't do something, they always try to ruin it for the younger generations."

That is all.