McCain Has Chosen A Running Mate... And She's Bookishly Attractive!

McCain's New Running Mate Hot Governor From Alaska

***BREAKING NEWS***

Presidential hopeful, Senator John McCain of Arizona, has chosen his running mate: Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska.

Is it possible? Our first hot vice president since... since... WHEN?

Palin, who has been featured in Vogue magazine, is currently serving her first term as governor.

When questioned about the reasons for his choice by a member of the Associated Press, Senator McCain stopped short, then flew into a fit of rage. After kicking the podium onto its side, he stormed off before commenting. Palin simply struck a pose.

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Obama Vows To "End McCain" Once And For All

Presidential Hopeful Obama Swears To Destroy Next President McCain

Over 80,000 spectators filed into Invesco Field to watch the final fight between Barack Obama and John McCain Friday night. The crowd gave Obama a roaring welcome and met lines of his speech with chants of his catchphrase, "Stop trying to hit me and hit me!"

CNN states: "Obama pitted himself against John McCain, repeatedly countering attacks from his Republican rival while casting the election as a choice between change and failure."

The fight, bringing in a line over six miles long with the stadium already filled, finally progressed into round 27 about three and a half hours after it began. McCain, weakened and tired, landed a punch to Obama's jaw, temporarily stunning him. This, however, only angered the Illinois senator who retaliated with a series of hard jabs to McCain's swollen and bloodied face.

Political pundits watching the match stated that the fight was unfair, as Obama continued to crowd McCain and insisted on using illegal kicks.

Although Obama won the match, it was all for naught as, although American's love violence, they still won't be able to get over the fact that he chose Joe Biden as a running mate.

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Nation Shocked, Appalled By Campaign Lip-Synching Scandal

Presidential Candidate Obama Linked To Lip-Synch Disgrace

The nation was shocked last week to learn that all presidential campaign debates have been postponed when it was revealed that Democratic hopeful Barack Obama was using another's voice rather than his own during the year's debates.

It has been gathered that the source of the "phantom voice" is none other than Laurence Fishburne.

"I am outraged," states 1932 Republican candidate Phillip S. Gallagher III of Massachusetts.

"I may be old, but in my day people would nev..." began Mr. Gallagher before passing away quietly from extreme old age. He was 113.

Fishburne's epic role as Morpheus in the hit Matrix Trilogy proved to be a more compelling leader, most think. The fact that Obama has been called a "nerd" and a "McFly" seems to have persuaded the candidate to opt for a stronger voice, even if nothing can be done (at the moment) for his scrawny and duck-like appearance.

Obama could not be reached for comment, nor could John McCain as he was throwing a tantrum at his favourite restaurant Old Smoky's over his lost screen time.

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THIS JUST IN

Here are some films that are due out at the end of the year. Both are in post-production. Both look like they could either really suck or be really awesome. You decide.

I. W.

Oliver Stone has concluded filming on his newest "work" W.

This "film" will recount the life and "presidency" of George W. Bush, with Josh Brolin playing the lead character. Richard Dreyfuss was cast as Dick Cheney. Lawl.

For a full cast list, including Ellen Burstyn and James Cromwell, and poor excuses to make this film, mostly from Stone himself, please visit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W._%28film%29

For a shitty trailer, here's this.

W. is slated for release October 17, 2008.

II. The Day The Earth Stood Still

In this remake of the 1951 classic, Keanu Reeves plays Klaatu. Great. I'll watch it, though.

The film is to stay true to the original and truer still to the short story the original was based on, "Farewell to the Master". Even still, Michael Rennie and Robert Wise are spinning in their graves as we speak.

Here is the full cast list and here is an excuse from the director.

The Day the Earth Stood Still is scheduled to be released 12 December, 2008. This could change due to filming extensions, most likely due to Reeves' fucking up somehow.

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HE'S AT IT AGAIN!

Look out, women's swim teams!

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ON A HAPPIER NOTE

TODAY IS 12 August, 2008.

Birthdays:

George Soros - Political Activist / rich bastard

George Hamilton - Actor / womanizer

Dominique Swain - Actress from Lolita / Girl

William Goldman - Screenwriter of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid / The Princess Bride

Jacques Tits - Hilariously named mathematician

Jim Beaver - Actor / goes well with above

Sir Mix A Lot - Rapper / (Jacques) Tits enthusiast

Events:

30 BC - Cleopatra offs herself

1908 - First Model T built, allowing Henry Ford to promote anti-semitism at a cool speed of 15 MPH

Deaths:

Joseph P. Kennedy - Brother of John. You know, the one who was supposed to be president.

Ian Fleming - Author of the James Bond books. You know, the one rolling over in his grave.

Henry Fonda - Actor

Jean-Michel Basquiat - Painter / drug addict

Merv Griffin - Asshole

TODAY IS ALSO United Nations International Youth Day. Glorious Twelfth starts today (killing season for Red Grouse in the UK).

This has been my commentary for 12 August, 2008.

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EVERYONE IS DYING!

SRSLY, EVERYONE! Here is a list of ACTORS so far this year.

8/10/2008 - Isaac Hayes

8/09/2008 - Bernie Mac

7/22/2008 - Estelle Getty

6/22/2008 - George Carlin

5/29/2008 - Harvey Korman

5/26/2008 - Sydney Pollack

4/05/2008 - Charlton Heston

3/18/2008 - Anthony Minghella

1/22/2008 - Heath Ledger

1/15/2008 - Brad Renfro

Hey TOM CRUISE: Look out.

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SNEAK-PEEK AT MY NEWEST SCREENPLAY

HERE IS AN INSIDE LOOK at my newest (as of yet UNTITLED) script, for your pleasure:

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FADE IN:

WE OPEN ON -

EXT. PHOENIX, ARIZONA - WIDE ESTABLISHING SHOT - LATE AFTERNOON

The freeways are clogged with after-work commuters. The sound of horns honking and traffic fill the hot, dry air.

PRESTON

(voice-over/narrating)

I don't have much to live for. I smoke, I drink. I drive fast cars and date even faster women. Every second is filled with excitement. Parties often begin at nine but don't start until I enter the room. I've been to Europe and Australia and visited pyramids on two continents. I've boated on the Indian and Pacific and fly across the Atlantic for fun. Everything I do, I do it for enjoyment and rarely get any sleep.

I have my thumb on the pulse of pop-culture, like a phantom heartbeat, I'm really feeling my own genius projected out to the idols of today who project it out to the sheep. I'm A-list, I'm first class. Like Frank said, "I'm a number one, top of the list". I've never lost a bet and my price is never cheap. So if you want to be seen with me, you'd better come with cash. I'm building a religion. Peddling perdition and with me you can rule the world.

I'd like to say that anything I just said is true, but it's not. I've never been outside of the United States, except for Mexico, but who really counts that anyway? I've been miserable most of my life and today I finally decided to kill myself.

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THAT'S IT. That's all you get. At the moment I'm writing this, along with "The Afterwife" and a satire/humour book. You will be UPDATED on all three as they progress.

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NEW SHERLOCK HOLMES FILMS

ARE THEY FAKE or are we in for some good times?

Columbia Pictures has announced that Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrel will team up to play Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson in a new comedy, written by Etan Cohen. Judd Apatow and Jimmy Miller are to produce. Tolmach states, "Just the idea of Sacha and Will as Sherlock Holmes and Watson makes us laugh. Sacha and Will are two of the funniest and most talented guys on the planet and having them take on these two iconic characters is frankly hilarious."

Guy Ritchie is slated to direct a new film based on the Lionel Wigram comic "Sherlock Holmes". At this point, only one actor has been cast, and that actor is: ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. There will be more on this film as production progresses.

Personally, I am psyched about both of these films.

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