A MYSTERIOUS NOTE

As you may know, I, Jacob Karnas, have been cataloging stories and other bits of information originally penned by an Englishman which I am compiling into my Mediocre and Macabre section of this blog. I realise that I have given very little information as to who this man was while giving you a great deal of information as to what he had done during his long life.

The man was Percy Chesterfield-Kensington, born 1 June, 1860 in London to Lord and Mrs. Percival Chesterfield-Kensington III. At the moment, that is all that is necessary.

In the stacks of papers I have collected, I found a note written on a torn leaf of paper. It is only the first half, however, and after some thought I decided to include it, although it gives very little information about this great man's life. Here, below, is that note.

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FROM THE DESK of Percival Roderick Ignatius Chesterfield-Kensington IV, Esq.

My dear Mr. D------,

It is of greatest importance that I share this with you.

On my last holiday to the south of France, I was informed that a dear friend of mine, Charles B-----------, had passed on and his Summer home near Nice had been left to me. I journeyed there by cab and proceeded to excavate the items left on the premises as had also been requested in the will.

As I moved on through the rooms, I found the most incredible trinkets. One of which was a

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Unfortunately, that is where the page was torn. I assure you, Reader, when I find the second half it will surely be posted promptly, as I (and hopefully you, Reader) am very intrigued to find out what was found by our subject.

[That is all]

On France

Let me just say this: I despise France.

ALL of it.

Almost as much as I despise Ireland. I will detail that later. To great length.

As for France, the reasons for my hate are as follows:

1. The language is condescending. Not so much the people (cretins) who use it, but the entire tone in which it is spoken is of such that the listener feels stupider with every word. This is mainly due to the fact that each word is elongated and sounds much like a camel urinating. If you've never experienced a camel urinating, repeat this phrase: "Bonjour, comment alez-vous?" That is what a camel urinating sounds like. Dreadful.

2. The Notre Dame Cathedral. The fact that a Frenchman wrote a story about the plight of a deaf and dumb misshapen creature living in the bell tower of one of France's greatest landmark goes to show you what these people (cretins) think of religion. ALSO: The name was taken by an American college who dubbed themselves the "Fighting Irish". Did I mention that I hate Ireland?

3. They are undoubtedly fudge-packers. With their love of chocolate, was this any surprise? They love it almost as much as those horrible Germans, only French chocolate tastes like some type of rubber dropped into a pile of sewage. How do I know what that tastes like, you may ask? I've eaten Turkish food.

4. They are swarthy. With their black and white striped skin-tight shirts and beanie-caps, puffing on cigarettes and prancing around on docks, these people most definitely know every kind of sexual disease first-hand. And they take pride in this (note: the French disease).

5. Their Eiffel Tower is nothing more than a giant penis.

These are the reasons I despise France.

[That is all]