ON UNITS OF MEASUREMENT

AS YOU KNOW, Reader, I have invented a unit of distance measurement in which the main instrument used is a cigarette. It's quite revolutionary, really. I know.

PREPARE TO BE ASTOUNDED AGAIN.

I have now perfected the Shame Scale [patent pending]!

The Shame Scale is used to determine whether or not something is

a) Horrifically shameful (i.e. The Arizona Cardinals loss in Super Bowl XLIV, your Senior Prom)

or

b) Barely Shameful (i.e. this Blogstation)

HS-----------------------------------0-----------------------------------BS

You will notice that the scale only measures shame, as everything is in some way shameful.

FIRST, you will need to determine whether you are measuring a single person or a group or and entire event.

SECONDLY, is the person, group or event typically like this? If yes, move five units to the BS side. If no, move 5 units to the HS side.

THIRDLY, has this ever happened before? If yes or no, move ten units to the HS side.

The scale is 35 units across and five units are generally given per question. Most of the events or persons you will measure on this scale will surprisingly end up within 5 units of Horribly Shameful.

This is not an error.

[That is all]

Let's Take A Break From The Unordinary

I would like to skip off the path for a moment to point out that the industry I have for so long desired to be a part of just went COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE.

To clarify: Hollywood is even more fucked up than it once was.

Further clarification: Universal has greenlighted some of the worst ideas ever and the rest of the film industry decided to do the same.

The following films are set for production:

Monopoly (2010) - directed by Ridley Scott
Battleship
Ouija (2011)
Candy Land (2011)
Clue - directed by Gore Verbinski
Heavy Metal (2010) - directors including Gore Verbinski and David Fincher
Untitled American Idol film - starring Anthony Hopkins as Simon Cowell
Total Recall - remake from Neal H. Moritz
Flash Gordon - Neal H. Moritz producing, Shia LaBeouf rumoured as title character

On the bright side, there are also some good films slated for production AND release soon:

Robin Hood (2010) - starring Russell Crowe as Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham with Cate Blanchett as Maid Marian, directed by Ridley Scott
Bioshock (2010) - directed by Gore Verbinski
21 Jump Street - written by Jonah Hill, Neal H. Moritz producing
Luke Cage (2011) - starring Tyrese Gibson
Knowing - starring Nicholas Cage
Duplicity - starring Clive Owen, Julia Roberts and Paul Giamatti
The Haunting In Connecticut
Angels & Demons
Terminator Salvation
Night At The Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
Up
The Year One
Whatever Works

Good outweighs bad. Good job on not sucking COMPLETE ass, 2009 (But you still suck enough).

[That is all]

A MYTERIOUS NOTE (PART II)

I apologise to you for my absence, Reader. I do, however, have for you the thrilling conclusion to the letter which I found in a nether-world.

"Nether-world?" you may ask.

Yes, nether-world.

While searching for the second half of the torn letter, I came upon the very same trinket our subject Lord Chesterfield-Kensington happened upon before writing said note. After reading his account, I will let his writing on the event explain what happened to me nearly two months ago as it seems he went through the very same ordeal.

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large leather-bound book with enormous hasps. It took me nearly three days to unlock only the first! I finally was able to open the book (which was hand-written in a strange dialect of Latin). At first I thought it to be an odd attempt at humour, yet it commanded that whoever read from the book first speak aloud three words printed on the first page. I did so and was transported to another world. The experience was quite interesting.

There I saw ghastly people about. Skeletal and dead, yet walking about as alive as you or I, were the inhabitants. They seemed hostile and I was thankful to be rescued by a large-chinned man whose name I seem to have forgotten. I couldn't have been there for more than an hour (as the maid said she had seen me not long before when I returned), yet that hour felt as though it were months.

I do not wish to bore you, my friend, and you'll most likely think me a drunkard after reading this. However heed me: Do not enter this house. If I invite you here, do not come. It is most likely Evil Percy, as he is called.

Your dearest friend,

Lord Percival Roderick Ignatius Chesterfield-Kensington IV

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Disturbing.

[That is all]