STATE OF THE WEBSITE: JUNE 2008 EDITION

KARNALYTICS: PART TWO

AS PROMISED, here is the June 2008 STATE of the WEBSITE.

Here is the World Map. As you can see, most of my readers are still in the United States. This is still because I write primarily in English. I also have a large following in Canada, our jovial and polite neighbours to the North. I have also acquired many non-readers in South America, Europe and Australia. What is a non-reader, you may ask? A non-reader is an asshole who finds their way onto my site, then leaves abruptly. This not only leaves me with a high bounce rate, but also low self-esteem. Thanks, assholes.

Clearly a jump from last time, I now have many more readers in the United States. I thank Russell Murray, Ryan McShowoff and myself (because I comment on Hodgman's page, then pull in his readers by linking [because I am shameless]). Thank you all. Instead of California (who are still big readers), it is this time New York who reads more often than my friends and family in Arizona. Tennessee has dropped off the map for some reason. I hope I didn't offend anyone.



This is New York. Most of the readers here are in the big city. Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens have the highest percentage while Ithaca, Woodside and Masbeth are giant non-reading assholes.

The graph here shows the last month's visits. Thankfully it has not dipped to below 2 readers per day. And there have only been two readers twice this month. Apparently, the fact that there is a new Gentleman's Bet regarding book publishing on 20 June really got people interested. 16 page views by 11 readers? Strange.

Here are the stats.

1. Good average time. Not as good as last time, but then I don't have California reading my page for hours on end anymore.

2. Good percentage of new visits. This means there are many more return visitors.

3. Terrible bounce rate. But it's okay. At least I have lots of readers.

4. North Dakota and Texas: drop dead.

5. Massachusetts: you're alright

Well, that's pretty much all. I hope this was informative. Not that you care. Or maybe you do, unless you're:

Texas, North Dakota, Massachusetts, Brazil, Australia, New Zealand, Greece, Morocco, Germany, the Czech Republic, the United Kingdom

[That is all]

Boat Capsizes Near Malaysia, Pirates Again Called Upon

Pirates Summoned To Search For Missing Capsized Boat Passengers

Bad weather is again to blame for the sinking of yet another boat, this time off the coast of Kuala Lumpur. Officials have released statements that all fourteen passengers were Indonesian and may have been attempting to enter Malaysia illegally.

Six passengers are missing, with six having drowned leaving only a 40-year-old man and 25-year-old woman surviving, officials say. The government has called in the Pirates to navigate the waters in search of the others.

This comes only days after the Pirates' expedition to find a capsized ferry in the Philippines. The ferry was capsized due to bad weather caused by Typhoon Fengshen, leaving more than 155 dead on the mainland and 740 missing at sea.

[That is all]

George Carlin: Dead At 71

Comedian Carlin Passes Away

In an unfortunate turn of events, famed comedian and actor George Carlin passed away Sunday 22 June, 2008 at 5:55P. The cause of death has been noted as either a "massive heart attack" or heart failure. He was 71.

Carlin, known for his brash, edgy humour and gravelly voice, was reportedly admitted to St. John's Health Center, located in Santa Monica, Cali. He was complaing of chest pains and shortness of breath, not uncommon as Carlin had a historyn of cardiovascular problems and had previously suffered multiple heart attacks.

ALSO: As a final word honouring Mr. Carlin, "Fuck".

For more information on George Carlin's life, humour and career:

George Carlin - Wikipedia.org

George Carlin - imdb.com

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

[That is all]

Typhoon Sinks Ferry, Pirates Called In For Help

Fengshen Devastates the Philippines, Pirates Called In

Our Pirate friends have been granted amnesty with another ferry sinking, this time in the Philippines at the hands of the typhoon Fengshen. Reports state that the typhoon capsized the ferry 'Princess of the Stars', leaving more than 740 passengers missing this morning.

At first glance, most would have been thinking: Pirates!

But no. Not this time.

Our heroes were called in by local governments after Fengshen left 155 dead and submerged entire communities. The Red Cross and and Coast Guard have stepped back to let the Pirates "do their thing".

It is believed that a giant air pocket could be keeping survivors trapped aboard the vessel alive. The Pirates have labelled this their first priority.

"They haven't seen anyone. They're scouring the area. They're studying the direction of the waves to determine where survivors may have drifted," coast guard spokesman Lt. Senior Grade Arman Balilo said.

Vice Admiral Philippe S. Gallagos of the Philippine Navy also stated, "They really know the seas and we are fortunate for their cooperation."

As a side note, Gene Hackman and Ernest Borgnine have been called in to aid in the search for survivors aboard the capsized vessel once it is found.

[That is all]

8 Out Of 10 Scientists Agree: Emo Kids, Cowboys Share Same Genetic Make-Up

New Study Breaks Barrier Between Rival High School Genres

In a stunning discovery, geneticists in Stockholm, Sweden have finally proven the link between Emo kids and cowboys. The Stockholm Brain Institute says that 8 out of 10 scientists agree on the new breakthrough's findings.

The Swedish study compared the size of the brain's halves in 90 subjects between the age of 13 and 25. Emo kids and cowboys had halves of a similar size, while the right side was bigger in everyone else, especially heterosexual men and lesbian women.

Scientists have noticed for some time that emo kids and cowboys have differences in certain cognitive abilities, suggesting there may be subtle differences in their brain structure. This would explain the difference in music choice.

Dr. Phillip S. Gallagher, a US scientist, stated this is evidence that not only is sexual orientation set in the womb, but so are high school factions and cliques.

"Look at them," said Gallagher, "I mean seriously look at them. They both wear skin-tight jeans and tons of black. They both wear bandanas and sometimes plaid, and I know at least one cowboy in Arizona who has his labret pierced and nipple rings. And hell, they both mope around a lot."

"They also like to take pictures of themselves with no shirts on," he also stated.

When questioned about the neurological findings, Dr. Gallagher stated that he "had to get going".

[That is all]

HERE IS AN EPIC VEHICLE

PERHAPS, WHEN IT IS AVAILABLE I will own one of these. This is the Nissan Pivo 2, a smart electric car.



It looks like it belongs in Whoville, I know, but how amazing would it be to drive through town in something that resembles a Nintendo Wii?*

Also: It is equipped with a cabin that swivels. NO NEED FOR A REVERSE FUNCTION.

The driver sits in the center of the cab, erasing blind spots all together.

And with the cost of gas these days, it wouldn't be embarrassing to drive (I wouldn't be embarrassed at all).

[That is all]

Last Week In Review

Royal Nudity Scandal, Ex-Refugee Celebrity Is A Red, Obama Vows To Destroy Economy

Princess Caught In The Buff, Given A Stern 'Talking To'

Princess Eugenie, daughter of Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and Sarah Ferguson and sixth in line to the British throne was given a very stern talking to and duly reprimanded by Marlborough College staff after being caught frolicking in the nude with female schoolmates. The 18-year-old was aprehended for involvment in what the school is calling "end of term high jinks". It was claimed that there was drinking.

"It was nothing more than high jinks at the end of term in May. A group of them were reprimanded and that's the end of the matter," says royal spokesman Phillip Gallagher. "When you think of all the women Prince Charles buggered when he was off at Trinity College, this is but a minor indiscretion. Very minor, indeed."

The Princess was to attend the Queen's Birthday festivities until it was announced there would be an open bar.



Elian Gonzalez Turns Red

Now 14-years-old, Elian Gonzalez has joined the Cuba's Young Communist Union, stating that he will never let down ex-President Fidel Castro and his brother Raul Castro. He has in the past also stated that he views Fidel Castro not only as a friend, but as a father-figure.

This, however, is all according to the Communist youth newspaper Juventud Rebelde and is probably just Commie bunk. United States officials have opted to "just ignore the situation" much in the same way Eastern Europe did with Adolf Hitler, hoping it will all just go away.



Obama Plans To "Do United States In" With New Retirement Savings Idea

Democratic candidate Barack Obama has an idea: have the government pay for people's retirement.
With Social Security out of the way, Obama says that American's are doing a "lousy job saving for their Golden Years". Why not have the government step in and match up to $500 USD in retirement for families earning under $75,000 USD annually? According to analysts, the plan would help 78 million Americans but alsom cost the federal government $18.8 billion USD per year.

According to Obama-supporter and business professor at University of Virginia's Darden School of Business Ronald Wilcox, a 30-year-old worker contributing $1,000 USD per year with the matched $500 USD would, by age 65, have accumulated $145,000 USD, assuming a 5% average return after inflation- at the cost of $658 BILLION USD +.

[That is all]

President Bush Speaks In Germany, Sent To Jail

U.S. President George Bush Makes Final Official Visit To Europe, Promptly Arrested

George W. Bush spoke at a press conference after speaking with Deutsch Chancellor Angela Merkel. This is part of a six-nation tour that will ultimately mark the last visit to Europe of his presidency. His last tour of Europe took place in 2007 where he visited such unpopular countries as Bulgaria, the Czech Republic and Albania, where he was greeted as a hero. This is most likely because, as is a known fact, Eastern Europe does not have television.

Directly after saying their good-byes, the newly instated "World Police" unit, or WPU, handcuffed the president and led him off to a Berlin jail. The "World Police", created soon after the opening invasion of Iraqattaq, had been awaiting this visit since its announcement as they missed their chance at nabbing the 'war-monger' on his not-so-publicized trip last year. When asked what the charges were, one member of the WPU replied in a very heavy french-accent, with the smell of bourbon on his breath, one charge of being a 'coq' and 'menny, menny, veghry(?) menny sharjez of illegal war'.

"American Vice-President Dick Cheney, you're next," stated WPU team leader Henri Brandeaux, while eating what appeared to be a baguette. A moment later, after chewing, he continued while lighting a cigarette, "under two charges of being an ass."

More on this as it progresses.

[That is all]

G8 Meeting Links Oil Prices To Global Recession

Nations World-Wide Under Pressure From Surging Petrolium Costs

Wait. Seriously? Are you for real?

Oh never mind. We've KNOWN THAT.

It was predicted by George Soros, financial speculator and political activist worth approximately $8.5 billion, that when the United Kingdom and the United States are in recession, the "bubble" will burst, referring to the slipping USD and slipping oil supply in the Middle East causing problems for global economies.

DUH! He said it. Right there, he totally said it.

[That is all]

Obama Wins Democratic Ticket, Vows To Destroy Machines

Obama Takes Nomination, Something About "The One"

In a historic event, presidential hopeful Barack Hussein Obama captured the Democratic nomination making him the first African-American in history to win the presidential nomination for any major party.

During his speech Tuesday night, Obama stated, "believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us but if we are to be prepared for it we must first shed our fear of it."

"I stand here without fear because I remember. I remember that I am here not because of the path that lay before me but because of the path that lies behind me," he continued.

When asked how he planned to celebrate his victory, Obama sent the crowd into frenzy. "Let us shake this cave! Tonight let us tremble these walls of earth, steel and stone! Let us be heard from red core to black sky!"

More on this as it progresses.

[That is all]

I'M WRITING A BOOK

Yes, it's true.

And for some reason, people don't take me seriously when I say that I am, in fact, writing a book. Especially my mother. In all seriousness, though, I plan to do so and none of you can stop me now.

As some of you know, I prefer typing on an actual typewriter than typing on a computer. This is because I've lost many scripts that I (stupidly) did not back-up in any other way. Over the last few (three) weeks, I've been pounding away on my Remington. So far, the first few (three) chapters are complete.

To be honest, I find myself hilarious. My writing, not 'myself'. I'm very serious when I need to be and absolutely nothing to laugh about. Sometimes I just can't help laughing at my own work.

Me writing a page for the second chapter:

Me laughing at the sheer brilliance that is written on that same page:

Here is the Remington that I use to produce the brilliance:

And no, that wasn't Hodgman's book. I prefer to write after myself rather than use the same writing form and manuevers found in other authors' writings. Seriously, use this photo instead:

Someday soon, at your local Borders or Barnes and Noble, you'll be seeing this face:
Of course it will be done in a better light and my hair look much better. And it will not be of me in that bedroom. It will SHOCK YOU and you'll probably buy it.

More updates regarding this LATER.

[That is all]

Man Reaches Everest Summit, Finds Out It's Been Done Before

Elderly Man's Dream Preceded By Fifty Years and Hundreds of Others

Min Bahadur Sherchan, a 76-year-old Nepalese man, reached the 8,848 foot high summit of Mt. Everest today only to find out that he's 55 years too late.

A life-long dream of Sherchan, he became interested in climbing the mountain when he was in his early twenties. A wager was placed between Sherchan and Nepalese sherpa Tenzing Norgay on who could reach the top first. Unknown to Sherchan until now, Sherpa Tenzing enlisted the aid of famed New Zealander Sir Edmund Hillary.

After bidding his family and friends good-bye almost 60 years ago, he began his long trek towards the "top of the world". His trip was halted several times, however, by the various wise-men sitting cross-legged in thought, whistling out of tune to themselves in their own quest for enlightenment. Sherchan recounts, "They would often ask me questions. Most of them made no sense, but I just couldn't leave without knowing the answers".

He later found out that these questions were not meant to be answered, but to be contemplated seemingly forever in the search for true enlightenment, or "Nirvana".

"I really have no clue what a
defunct 90's grunge band has to do with enlightement," said Sherchan. "I left
them without ever finding the answer to that."

Continuing his quest for the top, Sherchan finally reached his goal only to realise that he'd been beaten by Sherpa Tenzing and Sir Edmund Hillary who had finished the climb in May of 1953. In fact another sherpa guide had completed his eighteenth climb of the mountain just last Thursday.

Although distraught, Sherchan did not let this get in the way of his life's goal. As the oldest man to climb Everest he had beaten Katsusuke Yanagisawa, who had climbed her at the age of 71.

Sherchan reported, "Now I can die happy knowing that bastard Tenzing is already dead"

[That is all]

I HAVE BEEN ALERTED THAT I AM 'UNFUNNY'

...by a certain someone who will remain unnamed.

IS THIS TRUE? Or is it just her?

Me: Why would a review make the point of saying someone's 'not' funny? You think I'm especially 'not' funny? (pause) You didn't even have to think about it, did you?

ALSO: me=:(

[That is all]

Automobile Accidents in Africa Lead to Water Shortage Elsewhere

Collisions Place Water In Short Supply Around the Globe

You've all heard of the rise in food prices over the past few months, but water? News of water shortages around the world has been picked up and you'll be surprised to hear the cause: auto collisions in Africa.

At a Hilton hotel, location undisclosed, reports of 'low' or 'no water pressure' and "fuck you, I'm not paying because there's no water" have surfaced. The reason behind this specific incedent: a three-car pile-up shearing a fire hydrant in Enugu, Nigeria.

Reports of the what officials are calling 'Water Crisis 2008' have only just begun and according to researchers, will continue on at flash-speed*. After looking into certain reports, it appears that pirates my have been involved but are not a primary factor.

More on this later.

*Author's Note: Flash speed=extremely fast, normally pertaining to any action performed by the U.S. government; the rate at which any government agency performs a given task. Flash speed pertains to: tax returns, economic stimulus payments, lawmaking, lawpassing, clearing lawbreaking big business CEOs of all criminal charges, etc.

[That is all]

I HAVE BEEN CONNED INTO UPDATING MY BLOG

...In order to promote Taylor Genovese's radio show...

THE MT IRONSTAG SHOW

I DETEST THE RADIO and most of what happens on it. Whenever I travel by automobile, I generally listen to a cd or music device. This hate does not extend to the MT Ironstag Show. Hosted by Murray (David Vick) and Flint Ironstag (Taylor Genovese), this radio program is not for the faint of heart. The MT Ironstag show is a mash-up between "local morning show" and Howard Stern; if Howard Stern was toned down to a two-and-a-half hour limit. Per week. And the FCC hadn't been notified (which they haven't).

With regular guests Manservant Jacoby (Jacob Brown), the hosts' Yugoslavian butler (who also has a strange affinity for cats: both the animal and the musical); Dr. Melvin Rosenblatt, Ph.D, a pediatric gynecologist (and also the Author's 'radio personality'), affectionately referred to as 'Dr. Jew'; as well as many, MANY others.

Although most of my Readers live elsewhere, it is still possible to listen to these grinning bastards of the airwaves. Simply visit: http://www.themtironstagshow.com for a live stream of the show Sunday nights at 7:30P-10:00P Pacific. That's 10:30P-1:00A Eastern. Again, that's 3:30A-6:00A in England (for my one Reader in London).

Listen to them and be AMAZED. You'll feel better about yourself.

[That is all]

SHANKING ON A MONDAY NIGHT

IF YOU DON'T KNOW Michael Saxon, you are in for a real treat. A recounted story, with instructions on...

HOW TO ALMOST GET SHANKED: A GUIDE

Earlier this night at IHOP:

Jacob Brown,
Michael Saxon,
Steve
and I (Author)

were having a good time. Unfortunately...
Taylor wasn't there.

While outside, perfecting my new unit of measurement*, we noticed what appeared to be a group of five or more gang members across the street. One appeared to be injured. While watching, Michael Saxon (who until this time had been inside paying his bill) decided to get their attention AND WAVE TO THEM.

Two of them broke off from their group and ran towards us, seemingly READY FOR ASSAULT. Steve screamed and threw himself into the car. Jacob and Michael hastily got in as well. I continued smoking (not realising what was happening) until I was forced in. Upset that I hadn't finished my cigarette, I then saw the attackers approaching.

Brown threw the car in reverse and left through the back entrance. We circled around to not only get away, but also to see if they were still there. I was still upset about my cigarette and grumbled about this all the way back to Saxon's.

LET'S REVUE!

Sure steps that will most likely LAND YOU IN THE HOSPITAL:

1. Find a group of two or more gang members or 'thugs'.
2. Bring attention to yourself. Waving a coloured cloth or rag should do fine.
3. As we said "almost", find a place to hide or GET AWAY QUICKLY.
4. If you are with friends, apologize profusely, even after you've been dropped off. Text messaging is a great way to annoy everyone involved. This will probably not help your case.

*(See Things You Did Not Know About The Author: Article #4)

[That is all]

Ferry Capsizes, Pirates Possibly Involved

Ferry Sinks Near Haiti, Pirates Suspect

A ferry off the coast of Haiti capsized due to "overcrowding" Saturday night. Over 100 passengers were able to swim to safety as the boat sank. Eleven bodies were found, five of which were children.

The boat was reportedly on a two-day trip to Porte-au-Prince, transporting passengers, charcoal and food. According to U.N. peacekeeping spokesman David Wimhurst, the boat became "overcrowded" after several stops taking on passengers and cargo.

Nice try, U.N.

Several reports of an unidentified "ratty-looking" ship were filed last week by merchant vessels off the coast of Cuba. I take this to mean: Pirates.

The very pirates who were the scourge of the waters off the coast of Somalia last month have relocated to the West Indies or swarmed ALL SEAS. And if they haven't: I suggest they do.

We wait now in hopes that our newsmaking brigands come back into the spotlight.

[That is all]

Simpson: "I totally did it. With an axe."

O.J. Whores: Get Ready For Another Book

A new tell-all book is to be released on Monday recounting a night weeks after the alleged murderof Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman. If you aren't as bored reading about yet another fiasco involving this asshole as I am writing about it, you may find this interesting. Also, most of this is made up.

Written by yet another person involved we hadn't heard about (nor cared to), Mike Gilbert, the book tells of a night when, high on a marijuana/cocaine/heroine/PCP/cracked pepper binge, O.J. Simpson confessed to the murder of his ex-wife. He also tells of how he gave Simpson advice, instructing him on ways to bloat his hands.

There is also a new theory regarding the deaths: O.J. did not bring a knife with him, but Nicole Brown Simpson answered the door with the knife in her hand.

WOW.

A quote has Simpson stating, "If she hadn't opened that door with a knife in her hand ... she'd still be alive." An accurate depiction shows Simpson bringing an axe instead, leading to the next statement: I totally did it. With an axe.

SHOCKING.

As it appears, there is a lot of money to be made just by writing the name 'O.J. Simpson'. If you plan to cash-in by writing a pseudo-fiction/semi-true/quasi-realistic O.J. Simpson crime drama, please: get in line.

[That is all]

SOME INFORMATION YOU DIDN'T NEED BUT COULD BENEFIT FROM

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE: what a cruel and unforgiving mixture of German, Latin and various dialects the world over.

Last night, the mother of a good friend (who operates a small [legitimate and legal] herbal relief shop) was helping me by giving me what I thought was a 'vulnery' or 'vulnary'. And wikipedia had no reference.

This is why (a message from her):

"So last night, when you looked up "vulnery/vulnary" and found nothing, here's why:
Evidently it is a word that is not commonly pronounced the way it is actually spelled, like sarsaparilla. Everyone pronounces it SAS-PA-RILA -- but it is actually pronounced Sar-sap-a-rila. And when you say it correctly, you sound silly. But you never know where you'll say it incorrectly to not sound silly, and instead sound uninformed because of the wrong pronunciation.
So any way 'vulnery" is actually spelled vulnerary. Now I will say it correctly (vul-ner-ary) and be thought of as daft, while being superior, yet not appearing so to the masses. You get what I mean . . ."

INTERESTING AND INFORMATIVE.

[That is all.]

POST-TRAUMA: MY NIGHT IN TRIAGE

AS MANY OF YOU NOW KNOW, I was brutally mauled and maimed by a Rottweiler yesterday, just after my last post.

I realise, of course, that I wasn't very specific when I notified many and may have caused confusion. To clarify: my face is still intact. Mostly. You see, what happened was, I was playing with the other dog, a Rhodesian Ridgeback. The other, a Rottweiler, became jealous and lunged at my beautiful face, severing the top lip and excising a sizable chunk of my bottom lip.

Now many of you may take the dogs case into account. You may say things like: he's a Rottweiler, you should have known better.

In fact, I KNOW JUST FINE.

The Rottweiler and I were good friends. I would often go backpacking and mountain-climbing with him and he would attend movie showings and book signings with me. But as history goes, Germans and Jews have not always gotten along so well.

Also, take into account that it was the Rottweiler that was the host for the Xenomorph in Alien 3.

For your viewing pleasure, I've provided links to images of the wound before suture. I assure you, these are not for the FAINT OF HEART and should be viewed carefully as not to frighten those around you with screams of horror.

Side View , From Above , Close Up

I will post images of the sutured wound in time, when I am more comfortable with my hideousness.

KARNALYTICS

Here is your very first STATE OF THE WEBSITE. Here I will do my best to keep you up to date with how I'm faring socially via this blog. The pictures are very small. To research them in detail, please click on them to make them larger.

As it appears, I may be quite popular. Note, I said MAY BE.


Above is a WORLD VIEW of my Readers. As you can see, the majority are situated within the United States (labeled with arrows). The reason: most American's read English and I, the Author, write primarily in English. I realise the bounce rate looks high. This does not mean people hate my site. This is apparent by the percentage of new visits. At 38.52%, that means 61.48% of visitors are returning: RETURNING TO READ! Another reason for the high bounce rate: I have only one important page to view.


Here we delve a little deeper. With the United States holding the majority of my fans, we can now see clearly that Arizona and Tennessee are the biggest fans in the States. Or are they?*

Here, the bounce rate drops slightly. The percentage of new visitors also slightly declines. This is also a good thing. This means that I have returning Readers and also that they are bringing friends. Massachusetts, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Virginia, South Carolina, Colorado, Oklahoma and Texas all seem to be pretty sleepy. You may also note that it says 12 regions yet there are only 11 highlighted. This is labeled on my personal charts as 'not set'. I take this to mean that someone in either the government is reading or perhaps Hoboken, New Jersey, which I refuse to believe is inhabited by humans, but is the seat of Heaven.

You may ask: what about California? Read on.


*California appears to hold my SINGLE BIGGEST FAN. The average time on site alone makes me feel special. Also, there is a Reader in Hollywood. This really intrigues me as I am an ASPIRING FILMMAKER.

There is your monthly STATE OF THE WEBSITE.

Get out there. Do your part. Bring more Readers, as the content hungers for more.

That is all.

Horse Finishes Second Place, Subsequently Euthanized

Horse "Put Down" After Finishing Second At Kentucky Derby

It was a grim after-party for second place finisher Seven Gents. After losing to Large Auburn on Saturday, the filly was euthanized just after finishing a cool-down run of the track.

"There was no way," reported trainer Phillip Gallagher when interviewed by the Associated Press. "She ran an incredible race." But that just wasn't enough. Without the win, nobody from Buckberry Farms could be happy. A hitman (hired by the owner of Buckberry Farms) positioned near the second turn fired two shots, both hitting each ankle.

"She didn't have a front leg to stand on to be splinted and hauled off in the ambulance," said an on-call veterinarian.

The owners of Buckberry Farms could not be reached for comment.

That is all.

Times Finally Change: Universities Allow Co-Ed Dormitories, Elderly Furious

Social-Ludditism Finally Gives Way In University Living

Times are finally changing. Universities and colleges across the nation are allowing the unspeakable: co-ed living arrangements in dorms.

Wesleyan University, Brown and California Institute of Technology have all opted for open living arrangements with Stanford University soon to follow suit. Not everyone, however, is happy with this change in once-1950's America. "This would have been an outrage in my day," says one Phillip Gallagher, 75. "We weren't allowed to when we were young, why should they?"

Bitter letters have been flooding deans' offices all across the United States. "They're just going to have to deal with it," says Dean Derby Hastings of Haverstatham University, located in Framingham, Massachusetts. "It's unfair reasoning. Just because they couldn't do something, they always try to ruin it for the younger generations."

That is all.

Lesbians Sue Lesbians Over Use Of Title

Lesbians Ashamed To Use Word "Lesbian" Due To Homosexual Past

A group from the greek isle of Lesbos have petitioned the court in order to file suit against a homosexual women's group. The natives of the island have reportedly just heard that the word in question, "Lesbian", has become a common title for gay women.

Let us now recount the history of the island of Lesbos.

The third largest greek island located in the Aegean Sea, Lesbos was the home of the famous poet Sappho whose poems often spoke of deep affection and love for other women. Thusly, the name Lesbian, a term that the islanders use when referring to themselves, has come to be used by homosexual women worldwide. As for Sappho herself, not much needs to be said as the role she plays in this story is minimal and because women poets bore me.

The three natives of the island are suing the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece, an association advocating homosexual and lesbian rights in Greece, as is apparent. One plaintiff has noted that "the name insults the identity of the people of Lesbos". "Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos," states Dimitris Lambrou, one of the men filing suit. "My sister can't say she is a Lesbian."

"This is not an aggressive act against gay women," says Lambrou. "The word lesbian has only been linked with gay women in the past few decades, but we have been Lesbians for thousands of years."

As another note, Lambrou publishes a magazine on ancient Greek religion that often criticizes the Christian church. Lambrou has also stated that Sappho was not gay and mothered a child with a wealthy aristocrat. After some brief studying, I have found that the aristocrat's name was Cercylas, a name which means "prick from the Isle of Man".

Are you still swayed by Lambrou's statement?

"Even if we assume she was, how can 250,000 people of Lesbian descent, including women, be considered homosexual?"

The answer to that question, Mr. Lambrou, is excruciatingly clear: You are Greek.

That is all.

Obama Gains Help With Campaign From Satan

Satan Aids Obama In Presidential Race

The former Bush aid Satan, commonly referred to as "Karl Rove", has addressed 2008 presidential candidate Barack Obama in his latest Newsweek column stating that "[Barack's] once-strong candidacy has gotten weaker and you're making mistakes and making people worry".

Obama's reactions to his former pastor's comments and remarks about small town Americans have led to a weakened campaign and dwindling support for the Illinois senator.

Taking Rove's advice to heart, Obama has gone into seclusion in the past week, reportedly summoning the spirits of deceased past presidents and lesser demons to help win back support of his once-loyal following. Rove has travelled to Kenwood in Chicago to help Obama with the assembly of the dead, which include former-presidents Richard Nixon, Lyndon Johnson and Herbert Hoover. Also in attendance were the demon Belial and Niccolò Machiavelli. Lucifer was unable to attend directly, but sent in his stead Adolf Hitler.

That is all.

Author's Day-Off #1

Greetings

I have been informed by my editors that I am allotted five days off per season. For this, I am thankful. Do not, however, misunderstand my relief. I enjoy writing these whimsical "news tales" for my Readers' enjoyment and revel in the fact that I am humourous.

However, there come times when writer's block, or sometimes depression, will set in and the humour is hard to come by. This is where I shall leave off. Please note the image below. Clicking on it will open a new page with a hilarious falsified news story written by the comedy geniuses at The Onion. This will serve as my replacement for today's article. I will return tomorrow.

That is all.

Immigrants Perfect New Border-Crossing Technique

Mexican Immigrants Test New Illegal Manuevers

Several technicians south of the United States border have found a new method for getting across that very same border from Mexico.

Calling their new discovery

"cap diving", a group known as the "Unión Mexicana De la Ciencia", or more commonly translated as "Mexican Bicycle Farmers" (MBF) has created a process involving the replacing of vacationing American's car hubcaps with themselves.

The U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) branch of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), which succeeded the Immigration and Nationalization Services (INS), has instituted a new check at the border involving the rotation and checking of tires. This will both help acheive uniform wear on the tires and serve as an inspection for any illegals possibly hiding within.

The new "mode of transportation" across the border has brought worry to many frequent vacationers. One such holiday-seeker, Phillip Gallagher of Scottsdale, Arizona is afraid that he may be arrested. "I just want to be able to cross down to Mexico and have a nice weekend with the kids. I don't want to be brought in for being a coyote," Gallagher says.

At the moment, the MBF is reportedly searching for new car parts to pose as in order to get to freedom. The DHS and CBP have released statements that they "are ready".

That is all.