I'M WRITING A BOOK

Yes, it's true.

And for some reason, people don't take me seriously when I say that I am, in fact, writing a book. Especially my mother. In all seriousness, though, I plan to do so and none of you can stop me now.

As some of you know, I prefer typing on an actual typewriter than typing on a computer. This is because I've lost many scripts that I (stupidly) did not back-up in any other way. Over the last few (three) weeks, I've been pounding away on my Remington. So far, the first few (three) chapters are complete.

To be honest, I find myself hilarious. My writing, not 'myself'. I'm very serious when I need to be and absolutely nothing to laugh about. Sometimes I just can't help laughing at my own work.

Me writing a page for the second chapter:

Me laughing at the sheer brilliance that is written on that same page:

Here is the Remington that I use to produce the brilliance:

And no, that wasn't Hodgman's book. I prefer to write after myself rather than use the same writing form and manuevers found in other authors' writings. Seriously, use this photo instead:

Someday soon, at your local Borders or Barnes and Noble, you'll be seeing this face:
Of course it will be done in a better light and my hair look much better. And it will not be of me in that bedroom. It will SHOCK YOU and you'll probably buy it.

More updates regarding this LATER.

[That is all]

Man Reaches Everest Summit, Finds Out It's Been Done Before

Elderly Man's Dream Preceded By Fifty Years and Hundreds of Others

Min Bahadur Sherchan, a 76-year-old Nepalese man, reached the 8,848 foot high summit of Mt. Everest today only to find out that he's 55 years too late.

A life-long dream of Sherchan, he became interested in climbing the mountain when he was in his early twenties. A wager was placed between Sherchan and Nepalese sherpa Tenzing Norgay on who could reach the top first. Unknown to Sherchan until now, Sherpa Tenzing enlisted the aid of famed New Zealander Sir Edmund Hillary.

After bidding his family and friends good-bye almost 60 years ago, he began his long trek towards the "top of the world". His trip was halted several times, however, by the various wise-men sitting cross-legged in thought, whistling out of tune to themselves in their own quest for enlightenment. Sherchan recounts, "They would often ask me questions. Most of them made no sense, but I just couldn't leave without knowing the answers".

He later found out that these questions were not meant to be answered, but to be contemplated seemingly forever in the search for true enlightenment, or "Nirvana".

"I really have no clue what a
defunct 90's grunge band has to do with enlightement," said Sherchan. "I left
them without ever finding the answer to that."

Continuing his quest for the top, Sherchan finally reached his goal only to realise that he'd been beaten by Sherpa Tenzing and Sir Edmund Hillary who had finished the climb in May of 1953. In fact another sherpa guide had completed his eighteenth climb of the mountain just last Thursday.

Although distraught, Sherchan did not let this get in the way of his life's goal. As the oldest man to climb Everest he had beaten Katsusuke Yanagisawa, who had climbed her at the age of 71.

Sherchan reported, "Now I can die happy knowing that bastard Tenzing is already dead"

[That is all]

I HAVE BEEN ALERTED THAT I AM 'UNFUNNY'

...by a certain someone who will remain unnamed.

IS THIS TRUE? Or is it just her?

Me: Why would a review make the point of saying someone's 'not' funny? You think I'm especially 'not' funny? (pause) You didn't even have to think about it, did you?

ALSO: me=:(

[That is all]

Automobile Accidents in Africa Lead to Water Shortage Elsewhere

Collisions Place Water In Short Supply Around the Globe

You've all heard of the rise in food prices over the past few months, but water? News of water shortages around the world has been picked up and you'll be surprised to hear the cause: auto collisions in Africa.

At a Hilton hotel, location undisclosed, reports of 'low' or 'no water pressure' and "fuck you, I'm not paying because there's no water" have surfaced. The reason behind this specific incedent: a three-car pile-up shearing a fire hydrant in Enugu, Nigeria.

Reports of the what officials are calling 'Water Crisis 2008' have only just begun and according to researchers, will continue on at flash-speed*. After looking into certain reports, it appears that pirates my have been involved but are not a primary factor.

More on this later.

*Author's Note: Flash speed=extremely fast, normally pertaining to any action performed by the U.S. government; the rate at which any government agency performs a given task. Flash speed pertains to: tax returns, economic stimulus payments, lawmaking, lawpassing, clearing lawbreaking big business CEOs of all criminal charges, etc.

[That is all]

I HAVE BEEN CONNED INTO UPDATING MY BLOG

...In order to promote Taylor Genovese's radio show...

THE MT IRONSTAG SHOW

I DETEST THE RADIO and most of what happens on it. Whenever I travel by automobile, I generally listen to a cd or music device. This hate does not extend to the MT Ironstag Show. Hosted by Murray (David Vick) and Flint Ironstag (Taylor Genovese), this radio program is not for the faint of heart. The MT Ironstag show is a mash-up between "local morning show" and Howard Stern; if Howard Stern was toned down to a two-and-a-half hour limit. Per week. And the FCC hadn't been notified (which they haven't).

With regular guests Manservant Jacoby (Jacob Brown), the hosts' Yugoslavian butler (who also has a strange affinity for cats: both the animal and the musical); Dr. Melvin Rosenblatt, Ph.D, a pediatric gynecologist (and also the Author's 'radio personality'), affectionately referred to as 'Dr. Jew'; as well as many, MANY others.

Although most of my Readers live elsewhere, it is still possible to listen to these grinning bastards of the airwaves. Simply visit: http://www.themtironstagshow.com for a live stream of the show Sunday nights at 7:30P-10:00P Pacific. That's 10:30P-1:00A Eastern. Again, that's 3:30A-6:00A in England (for my one Reader in London).

Listen to them and be AMAZED. You'll feel better about yourself.

[That is all]

SHANKING ON A MONDAY NIGHT

IF YOU DON'T KNOW Michael Saxon, you are in for a real treat. A recounted story, with instructions on...

HOW TO ALMOST GET SHANKED: A GUIDE

Earlier this night at IHOP:

Jacob Brown,
Michael Saxon,
Steve
and I (Author)

were having a good time. Unfortunately...
Taylor wasn't there.

While outside, perfecting my new unit of measurement*, we noticed what appeared to be a group of five or more gang members across the street. One appeared to be injured. While watching, Michael Saxon (who until this time had been inside paying his bill) decided to get their attention AND WAVE TO THEM.

Two of them broke off from their group and ran towards us, seemingly READY FOR ASSAULT. Steve screamed and threw himself into the car. Jacob and Michael hastily got in as well. I continued smoking (not realising what was happening) until I was forced in. Upset that I hadn't finished my cigarette, I then saw the attackers approaching.

Brown threw the car in reverse and left through the back entrance. We circled around to not only get away, but also to see if they were still there. I was still upset about my cigarette and grumbled about this all the way back to Saxon's.

LET'S REVUE!

Sure steps that will most likely LAND YOU IN THE HOSPITAL:

1. Find a group of two or more gang members or 'thugs'.
2. Bring attention to yourself. Waving a coloured cloth or rag should do fine.
3. As we said "almost", find a place to hide or GET AWAY QUICKLY.
4. If you are with friends, apologize profusely, even after you've been dropped off. Text messaging is a great way to annoy everyone involved. This will probably not help your case.

*(See Things You Did Not Know About The Author: Article #4)

[That is all]

Ferry Capsizes, Pirates Possibly Involved

Ferry Sinks Near Haiti, Pirates Suspect

A ferry off the coast of Haiti capsized due to "overcrowding" Saturday night. Over 100 passengers were able to swim to safety as the boat sank. Eleven bodies were found, five of which were children.

The boat was reportedly on a two-day trip to Porte-au-Prince, transporting passengers, charcoal and food. According to U.N. peacekeeping spokesman David Wimhurst, the boat became "overcrowded" after several stops taking on passengers and cargo.

Nice try, U.N.

Several reports of an unidentified "ratty-looking" ship were filed last week by merchant vessels off the coast of Cuba. I take this to mean: Pirates.

The very pirates who were the scourge of the waters off the coast of Somalia last month have relocated to the West Indies or swarmed ALL SEAS. And if they haven't: I suggest they do.

We wait now in hopes that our newsmaking brigands come back into the spotlight.

[That is all]

Simpson: "I totally did it. With an axe."

O.J. Whores: Get Ready For Another Book

A new tell-all book is to be released on Monday recounting a night weeks after the alleged murderof Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman. If you aren't as bored reading about yet another fiasco involving this asshole as I am writing about it, you may find this interesting. Also, most of this is made up.

Written by yet another person involved we hadn't heard about (nor cared to), Mike Gilbert, the book tells of a night when, high on a marijuana/cocaine/heroine/PCP/cracked pepper binge, O.J. Simpson confessed to the murder of his ex-wife. He also tells of how he gave Simpson advice, instructing him on ways to bloat his hands.

There is also a new theory regarding the deaths: O.J. did not bring a knife with him, but Nicole Brown Simpson answered the door with the knife in her hand.

WOW.

A quote has Simpson stating, "If she hadn't opened that door with a knife in her hand ... she'd still be alive." An accurate depiction shows Simpson bringing an axe instead, leading to the next statement: I totally did it. With an axe.

SHOCKING.

As it appears, there is a lot of money to be made just by writing the name 'O.J. Simpson'. If you plan to cash-in by writing a pseudo-fiction/semi-true/quasi-realistic O.J. Simpson crime drama, please: get in line.

[That is all]

SOME INFORMATION YOU DIDN'T NEED BUT COULD BENEFIT FROM

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE: what a cruel and unforgiving mixture of German, Latin and various dialects the world over.

Last night, the mother of a good friend (who operates a small [legitimate and legal] herbal relief shop) was helping me by giving me what I thought was a 'vulnery' or 'vulnary'. And wikipedia had no reference.

This is why (a message from her):

"So last night, when you looked up "vulnery/vulnary" and found nothing, here's why:
Evidently it is a word that is not commonly pronounced the way it is actually spelled, like sarsaparilla. Everyone pronounces it SAS-PA-RILA -- but it is actually pronounced Sar-sap-a-rila. And when you say it correctly, you sound silly. But you never know where you'll say it incorrectly to not sound silly, and instead sound uninformed because of the wrong pronunciation.
So any way 'vulnery" is actually spelled vulnerary. Now I will say it correctly (vul-ner-ary) and be thought of as daft, while being superior, yet not appearing so to the masses. You get what I mean . . ."

INTERESTING AND INFORMATIVE.

[That is all.]

POST-TRAUMA: MY NIGHT IN TRIAGE

AS MANY OF YOU NOW KNOW, I was brutally mauled and maimed by a Rottweiler yesterday, just after my last post.

I realise, of course, that I wasn't very specific when I notified many and may have caused confusion. To clarify: my face is still intact. Mostly. You see, what happened was, I was playing with the other dog, a Rhodesian Ridgeback. The other, a Rottweiler, became jealous and lunged at my beautiful face, severing the top lip and excising a sizable chunk of my bottom lip.

Now many of you may take the dogs case into account. You may say things like: he's a Rottweiler, you should have known better.

In fact, I KNOW JUST FINE.

The Rottweiler and I were good friends. I would often go backpacking and mountain-climbing with him and he would attend movie showings and book signings with me. But as history goes, Germans and Jews have not always gotten along so well.

Also, take into account that it was the Rottweiler that was the host for the Xenomorph in Alien 3.

For your viewing pleasure, I've provided links to images of the wound before suture. I assure you, these are not for the FAINT OF HEART and should be viewed carefully as not to frighten those around you with screams of horror.

Side View , From Above , Close Up

I will post images of the sutured wound in time, when I am more comfortable with my hideousness.

KARNALYTICS

Here is your very first STATE OF THE WEBSITE. Here I will do my best to keep you up to date with how I'm faring socially via this blog. The pictures are very small. To research them in detail, please click on them to make them larger.

As it appears, I may be quite popular. Note, I said MAY BE.


Above is a WORLD VIEW of my Readers. As you can see, the majority are situated within the United States (labeled with arrows). The reason: most American's read English and I, the Author, write primarily in English. I realise the bounce rate looks high. This does not mean people hate my site. This is apparent by the percentage of new visits. At 38.52%, that means 61.48% of visitors are returning: RETURNING TO READ! Another reason for the high bounce rate: I have only one important page to view.


Here we delve a little deeper. With the United States holding the majority of my fans, we can now see clearly that Arizona and Tennessee are the biggest fans in the States. Or are they?*

Here, the bounce rate drops slightly. The percentage of new visitors also slightly declines. This is also a good thing. This means that I have returning Readers and also that they are bringing friends. Massachusetts, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Virginia, South Carolina, Colorado, Oklahoma and Texas all seem to be pretty sleepy. You may also note that it says 12 regions yet there are only 11 highlighted. This is labeled on my personal charts as 'not set'. I take this to mean that someone in either the government is reading or perhaps Hoboken, New Jersey, which I refuse to believe is inhabited by humans, but is the seat of Heaven.

You may ask: what about California? Read on.


*California appears to hold my SINGLE BIGGEST FAN. The average time on site alone makes me feel special. Also, there is a Reader in Hollywood. This really intrigues me as I am an ASPIRING FILMMAKER.

There is your monthly STATE OF THE WEBSITE.

Get out there. Do your part. Bring more Readers, as the content hungers for more.

That is all.

Horse Finishes Second Place, Subsequently Euthanized

Horse "Put Down" After Finishing Second At Kentucky Derby

It was a grim after-party for second place finisher Seven Gents. After losing to Large Auburn on Saturday, the filly was euthanized just after finishing a cool-down run of the track.

"There was no way," reported trainer Phillip Gallagher when interviewed by the Associated Press. "She ran an incredible race." But that just wasn't enough. Without the win, nobody from Buckberry Farms could be happy. A hitman (hired by the owner of Buckberry Farms) positioned near the second turn fired two shots, both hitting each ankle.

"She didn't have a front leg to stand on to be splinted and hauled off in the ambulance," said an on-call veterinarian.

The owners of Buckberry Farms could not be reached for comment.

That is all.

Times Finally Change: Universities Allow Co-Ed Dormitories, Elderly Furious

Social-Ludditism Finally Gives Way In University Living

Times are finally changing. Universities and colleges across the nation are allowing the unspeakable: co-ed living arrangements in dorms.

Wesleyan University, Brown and California Institute of Technology have all opted for open living arrangements with Stanford University soon to follow suit. Not everyone, however, is happy with this change in once-1950's America. "This would have been an outrage in my day," says one Phillip Gallagher, 75. "We weren't allowed to when we were young, why should they?"

Bitter letters have been flooding deans' offices all across the United States. "They're just going to have to deal with it," says Dean Derby Hastings of Haverstatham University, located in Framingham, Massachusetts. "It's unfair reasoning. Just because they couldn't do something, they always try to ruin it for the younger generations."

That is all.

Lesbians Sue Lesbians Over Use Of Title

Lesbians Ashamed To Use Word "Lesbian" Due To Homosexual Past

A group from the greek isle of Lesbos have petitioned the court in order to file suit against a homosexual women's group. The natives of the island have reportedly just heard that the word in question, "Lesbian", has become a common title for gay women.

Let us now recount the history of the island of Lesbos.

The third largest greek island located in the Aegean Sea, Lesbos was the home of the famous poet Sappho whose poems often spoke of deep affection and love for other women. Thusly, the name Lesbian, a term that the islanders use when referring to themselves, has come to be used by homosexual women worldwide. As for Sappho herself, not much needs to be said as the role she plays in this story is minimal and because women poets bore me.

The three natives of the island are suing the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece, an association advocating homosexual and lesbian rights in Greece, as is apparent. One plaintiff has noted that "the name insults the identity of the people of Lesbos". "Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos," states Dimitris Lambrou, one of the men filing suit. "My sister can't say she is a Lesbian."

"This is not an aggressive act against gay women," says Lambrou. "The word lesbian has only been linked with gay women in the past few decades, but we have been Lesbians for thousands of years."

As another note, Lambrou publishes a magazine on ancient Greek religion that often criticizes the Christian church. Lambrou has also stated that Sappho was not gay and mothered a child with a wealthy aristocrat. After some brief studying, I have found that the aristocrat's name was Cercylas, a name which means "prick from the Isle of Man".

Are you still swayed by Lambrou's statement?

"Even if we assume she was, how can 250,000 people of Lesbian descent, including women, be considered homosexual?"

The answer to that question, Mr. Lambrou, is excruciatingly clear: You are Greek.

That is all.

Obama Gains Help With Campaign From Satan

Satan Aids Obama In Presidential Race

The former Bush aid Satan, commonly referred to as "Karl Rove", has addressed 2008 presidential candidate Barack Obama in his latest Newsweek column stating that "[Barack's] once-strong candidacy has gotten weaker and you're making mistakes and making people worry".

Obama's reactions to his former pastor's comments and remarks about small town Americans have led to a weakened campaign and dwindling support for the Illinois senator.

Taking Rove's advice to heart, Obama has gone into seclusion in the past week, reportedly summoning the spirits of deceased past presidents and lesser demons to help win back support of his once-loyal following. Rove has travelled to Kenwood in Chicago to help Obama with the assembly of the dead, which include former-presidents Richard Nixon, Lyndon Johnson and Herbert Hoover. Also in attendance were the demon Belial and Niccolò Machiavelli. Lucifer was unable to attend directly, but sent in his stead Adolf Hitler.

That is all.

Author's Day-Off #1

Greetings

I have been informed by my editors that I am allotted five days off per season. For this, I am thankful. Do not, however, misunderstand my relief. I enjoy writing these whimsical "news tales" for my Readers' enjoyment and revel in the fact that I am humourous.

However, there come times when writer's block, or sometimes depression, will set in and the humour is hard to come by. This is where I shall leave off. Please note the image below. Clicking on it will open a new page with a hilarious falsified news story written by the comedy geniuses at The Onion. This will serve as my replacement for today's article. I will return tomorrow.

That is all.

Immigrants Perfect New Border-Crossing Technique

Mexican Immigrants Test New Illegal Manuevers

Several technicians south of the United States border have found a new method for getting across that very same border from Mexico.

Calling their new discovery

"cap diving", a group known as the "Unión Mexicana De la Ciencia", or more commonly translated as "Mexican Bicycle Farmers" (MBF) has created a process involving the replacing of vacationing American's car hubcaps with themselves.

The U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) branch of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), which succeeded the Immigration and Nationalization Services (INS), has instituted a new check at the border involving the rotation and checking of tires. This will both help acheive uniform wear on the tires and serve as an inspection for any illegals possibly hiding within.

The new "mode of transportation" across the border has brought worry to many frequent vacationers. One such holiday-seeker, Phillip Gallagher of Scottsdale, Arizona is afraid that he may be arrested. "I just want to be able to cross down to Mexico and have a nice weekend with the kids. I don't want to be brought in for being a coyote," Gallagher says.

At the moment, the MBF is reportedly searching for new car parts to pose as in order to get to freedom. The DHS and CBP have released statements that they "are ready".

That is all.

Author Wages War On Fans, Fictional Characters

Author Sues Everyone Including Characters, Self

In a brash move, acclaimed author J.K. Rowling has filed suit against everyone, including her fans, characters, attorneys, even herself in an attempt to squander anyone from making a profit using her creations.

This all comes after Rowling, along with Warner Brothers, filed a suit against RDR Books and Steven Vander Ark for copyright infringement on 31 October, 2007. Vander Ark, a former librarian and more recently administrator for the Harry Potter Lexicon website, sought to publish a Harry Potter encyclopedia through RDR without consent from the author of the 7 children's books.

"I really don't want to cry because I'm British, you know," said Rowling after she was slapped with a lawsuit by herself.

Rowling also sued a family that recently surfaced in Liverpool. The Potters, James and Lillian and their newborn son Harold were served a subpoena to appear in court earlier this month when Rowling found their information online. Her attorneys and even the judge, U.S. District Judge Robert Patterson, Jr., were added to the list thereafter as what the author calls "a precaution". When it seemed she had run out of people to file suit against, Rowling then turned against her fans and herself, citing infringement on those who have read the books and the author.

"I did feel a degree of betrayal," said Rowling after filing suit against herself, "I believe that it is sloppy, lazy and that it takes my work wholesale, verbatim. This book constitutes wholesale theft of 17 years of my hard work."

The trial comes eight months after the final book in the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, was released.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: After typing that last sentence, I was also served a subpoena to appear in court for using the name of the book without consent from the author.)

That is all.
(Additional Note: Special participating contibutor Nate Davis helped with the initial idea for this article.)

Possible Super-Villain Forges Plan For $20 Million Waste Of Time

Billionaire Wastes Time, Money On Droll Cricket Match

Allen Stanford, a Texas businessman, has one thing in mind this Autumn: $20 million to the winner of a winner-takes-all Twenty20 cricket match between England and the West Indies.

Stanford, who owns many companies in the Caribbean (and is most likely a super-villain), has met with the chief executive of the England and Wales Cricket Board and the President of the West Indies Cricket Board at Lord's in London to discuss the match. The match, sources say, is to be held at his personal cricket ground in Antigua. This only brings more proof to my claim.

"We received a tour of the grounds shortly after the meeting," says ECB spokesman Phillip Gallagher.

"It was very nice and very secret, but we are allowed to state that it is somewhere off the coast of Antigua and is heavily guarded."

Unbeknownst to most of the world, Stanford has funded an inter-island Twenty20 competition involving 20 kidnapped teams on these grounds since 2006 and has no plans to stop. "The meeting had identified proposals which would provide a legacy to the development and infrastructure of cricket in the Caribbean in addition to a series of international matches," another ECB member said.

That is all.

Ship Sinks 20 Years Ago, World Realizes

Veteran World War II Vessel Sinks, Public Finally Aware

The SS America (or USS West Point, or SS Australis, or SS Italis, or SS American Star), built in 1940 for the United States Lines, sank in 1984. Coming as a shock to those who served aboard her during World War II, the few surviving veterans only now realize they were attending reuinions of the SS United States.

"It came as a complete surprise," says Phillip Gallagher, the son of one veteran.

"We had absolutely no idea that this had happened. Dad nearly had a coronary when we told him; he had a lot of good memories of that ship," he said.

It appears that in September 1984, the liner was sold to Silver Moon Ferries and renamed the SS Alferdoss, most likely the cause of the confusion. After only a few months ownership, a bilge pipe burst, flooding the engine room and most of the crew's quarters. In a dramatic attempt to prevent her from sinking, her anchors were cut loose and the once proud ship that had once served in aiding the United States in war was shipwrecked, beached off the coast of Fuerteventura in the Canary Islands.

The ship has listed over the years and fallen into the sea, with only part of it visible above the waves. Instead of traveling to the Canaries to see this sight, instead go to Philadelphia to see the SS United States. You won't know the difference.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Reader Louis DeChiarro has informed the Author that the SS America did not wreck in 1984, but in 1994. This, however, does not matter. Here is something that does: Ships do not generally sink, but instead float due to something called buoyant force. Buoyancy is the upward force on a given object which is produced by the liquid surrounding the object when it is partially or, sometimes, fully submerged. The upward force then is equal to the magnitude of the weight of the liquid displaced by the object causing the object to seem lighter than it actually is. Does this not FASCINATE and STIMULATE your mind?)

That is all.

Crude Oil Prices Pump Ever Higher

New Oil Futures Fuck Us Raw From Behind

An attack on a key pipeline in Nigeria has forced crude oil futures to skyrocket, finally settling at an un-fucking-believable $117 per barrel. Gasoline futures have also reached record highs, proving once again that third-world countries cannot be trusted with that which drives the United States ever forward.

Crude oil futures have had a devastating effect on gasoline prices country-wide. This comes at the worst time due to the summer driving season's demand for retail gasoline generally bringing with it a staggering increase in price. Overnight, the national average surged 2.7 cents, bringing per gallon rate to a butt-fucking $3.46.

Economic analyst Phillip Gallagher had this to say of the steadily rising rates:

"We just can't fucking believe it. After the
initial invasion of Iraq in 2003, we thought gas prices couldn't get any higher. We are literally being taken out to a nice dinner then back to our place for a drunken sex-romp only to find in the morning that crude oil is nowhere to be found."

"It's like we're having our pants pulled down, bent over a table and fucked up the ass with no lubrication," said Gallagher.

As it appears, the ass-raping isn't going to end anytime in the near future.

That is all.

French Hold Pirates For Yacht-Pillaging

Pirates Held In Paris Brig For Commandeering Luxury Yacht

Six men are being held in Paris courts for questioning regarding the hijacking the French luxury yacht "Le Ponant" off the coast of Somalia on 4 April. No charges have been filed as of yet, but officials say they will most likely be brought down by an overwhelming amount of "scalliwaginess".

The yachts crew of 30 were held hostage for a week. The pirate plot was foiled when French Navy vessels, surprisingly also luxury yachts, arrived in the area. The swashbucklers released 30 hostages and tried to escape, chased across the Somalian desert by French helicopter gunships in a dramatic attempt to abscond with their booty: the 2 million dollar ransom for release of the prisoners. One of the cars driven by the daring buccaneers was disabled and they then attempted to get away by foot but were apprehended shortly thereafter.

The French Navy held the scurvy dogs aboard the luxury warship "Lady Moura" until clearance was given to transport them to Paris.

It is unknown how many were involved in the hijacking and how many are still on the loose. The French Ministry of Foreign Affairs presumes that between 12 and 15 were present when the hostages were taken. Although the hostages were unharmed, an unidentified crew member noted that the captain attempted to hide the female members of the crew out of fear they might be raped.

That is all.

Tibet Destroys All Hope For Freedom

Tibetan "Demolition Monks" Ruin Any Chance Of Freedom From China In Impromptu Raid

Inspections in Hezuo, Gansu Province, China Monday doomed Tibet to an eternity under Chinese control after police seized explosives, banned Tibetan flags and one gun from six monasteries. The raid comes after hundreds of Tibetans in Hezuo staged anti-government protest demonstrations, in which a government building was invaded with shouts (most likely in Tibetan) of "Free Tibet!". A banned Tibetan flag was also raised over a school yard.

The gun, 22 pounds of dynamite, seven knives and five detonators were confiscated from one monastery. Five bullets were found in another. I ask you this: does this seem like a hostile uprising or psychological warfare?

Chinese officials beleive that the events were inspired by Tibets exiled spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, who has denied claims that he has called for his followers to overthrow the Chinese government in Tibet and sabotage the Olympic Games this August. The Dalai Lama is reported as saying when questioned about these allegations, "No, no, no."

"No, no, no, no, no," he
said.

Directly after this statement, a monk poured a container of gasoline over himself, sat in the lotus position and struck a match.

That is all.

Fermenting Tension Pops Cork In Iran

(Possible) Revenge Served At Room Temperature

This may or may not have been the case late Saturday night when police officials in Shiraz, Iran say a bomb may or may not have caused an explosion in a mosque that left an estimated 9 people [possibly] dead and 105 [maybe] wounded.

The expolsion [perhaps] shattered windows in nearby houses and buildings nearly a kilometre away [may have] felt the blast. The [possible] Governor General, Mohammad Ibrahim Ansari Lari, stated "there was no bomb."

"Initial surveys about the cause of the blast have proved there has been no bomb involved in the incident and, therefore, there (are) other probable causes," the governor general said.

Other causes, according to police officials, include:

1. Notorious Bordeaux terrorist, Cabernet "Big Red" Sauvignon
2. The "White Zinfandel"
3. The dastardly "Pinot Gang": Noir, Gris, Meunier and Grigio
4. Chardonnay, leader of the Méthode Champenoise (may be connected to the "Pinot Gang")
5. Sam Beam of Iron & Wine

That is all.

Likeable Senator Panders to Flaming Society

(For "Likeable Senator Kisses Gay Ass", please see the latest issue of The Advocate)

Presidential Hopefuls Urge For Lift On Gay Ban

You may be aware of the current dilemma plaguing the United States Armed Forces. No, I am not speaking of the talks to pull U.S. forces from Iraq after five years of fighting. I speak of the repeal of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy that has defined the U.S. military for years. Ha!

President hopeful, Senator Barack Obama, had this to say during an interview with the notoriously homosexual magazine The Advocate:

"I would never make this a litmus test for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, but I think there's increasing recognition within the Armed Forces that this is a counterproductive strategy."

This isn't as noble as it sounds. All of the current candidates are vying for this, especially hippie-favourite Hillary Clinton. The only thing that makes Obama different is that he is, indeed, black.

Obama also had this to say, "...[we're] spending large sums of money to kick highly qualified gays or lesbians out of our military, some of whom possess specialties like Arab-language capabilities that we desperately need. That doesn't make us more safe."

This may be good and fine, but I ask: "more safe"? Let us be serious.

It appears this interview was thrown together quickly (as to account for the bad grammar) after Obama was criticized for not speaking to the "gay media" on this subject. He has also said that he could see a repeal on the policy as well as a signing of legislation to ban workplace discrimination on gays.

"Next they'll be wanting to vote," says U.S. Army General Phillip Gallagher.

Having been in the United States Armed Forces, I do realize the problem. I also realize that this problem is not so much a deterrant to gays, but a deterrent to pussies.

Yes, pussies. Those many young men and women who join the military who, once they understand that it is not for the faint of heart, attempt to escape through Behavioral Analysis Services stating that they are homosexual. What a cop-out. I saw this happen repeatedly during my tenure in Medical Hold at Lackland AFB.

How will this repeal affect our nation? It won't. As is known, gay people live and work in all places. This, however, excludes most rural areas below the Mason-Dixon Line, but then, who with morals would live there? Does it affect us when we are helped at our local bookstore by a gay? Or when we are served food at Applebee's? Or when we attend an off-Broadway play cast completely with gays? Of course not. These are all common in our society and we take them for granted. And neither should it affect the military; just because someone is different, it does not mean it is bad. But what else should you expect from the most adolescent country in the world.

That is all.

What is the population of China?

(The answer is provided below)

The Chinese Olympics 2008 Protests

Such things in life are futile to discuss. This is especially true when you side with the neutral while talking to human rights activists and hippies. The latter are normally staunch believers when it comes to "freeing people". However true, they normally lack any knowledge on the topic.

When it comes to discussing the Olympic Games for 2008, the main topic is not, "Isn't it lovely that China has finally joined the rest of the world in an event that unites all nations, regardless of culture, religion or politics?". Such statements are not alive in this day and age.

The very real topic discussed is, put simply, "Free Tibet". Freeing Tibet would mean giving up prime land that will, in the future, be quite valuable to China.

All land-politics aside, let us now focus on The People's Republic of China.

It is a known fact that The People's Republic of China is the most populated country in the world at 1,323,156,000 people (and counting). That's 1,019,338,000 more citizens than the United States. That's 4 Chinese citizens (either Mandarin or Cantonese, served with wonton noodles) per 1 United States citizen. The only problem is Americans take up more space while the Chinese are relatively smaller.

The People's Republic of China practices a form of Communism. This fact proves that they really have no business calling themselves a "people's republic" at all and will from this point be referred to in this article as Zhōnghuá.

Zhōnghuá hasn't been doing much lately. Other than importing our children's toys, Nike shoes and their basketball-based genetic research (Yao Ming) to the United States, they've been relatively "off-the-map" for ages.

I, for one, am delighted that Zhōnghuá has been chosen to host these illustrious games. I am, as I stated before, completely neutral on the topic of Tibet. Here are some reasons why:

1. I have never been to Tibet, nor known anyone from Tibet.
2. I have seen many monks who appear to be Tibetan. They are quite happy.
3. I am unable to point Tibet out on most modern maps.

Truthfully speaking, I have lost interest in writing about the Olympics and China and of Tibet.

That is all.