McCain Has Chosen A Running Mate... And She's Bookishly Attractive!

McCain's New Running Mate Hot Governor From Alaska

***BREAKING NEWS***

Presidential hopeful, Senator John McCain of Arizona, has chosen his running mate: Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska.

Is it possible? Our first hot vice president since... since... WHEN?

Palin, who has been featured in Vogue magazine, is currently serving her first term as governor.

When questioned about the reasons for his choice by a member of the Associated Press, Senator McCain stopped short, then flew into a fit of rage. After kicking the podium onto its side, he stormed off before commenting. Palin simply struck a pose.

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Obama Vows To "End McCain" Once And For All

Presidential Hopeful Obama Swears To Destroy Next President McCain

Over 80,000 spectators filed into Invesco Field to watch the final fight between Barack Obama and John McCain Friday night. The crowd gave Obama a roaring welcome and met lines of his speech with chants of his catchphrase, "Stop trying to hit me and hit me!"

CNN states: "Obama pitted himself against John McCain, repeatedly countering attacks from his Republican rival while casting the election as a choice between change and failure."

The fight, bringing in a line over six miles long with the stadium already filled, finally progressed into round 27 about three and a half hours after it began. McCain, weakened and tired, landed a punch to Obama's jaw, temporarily stunning him. This, however, only angered the Illinois senator who retaliated with a series of hard jabs to McCain's swollen and bloodied face.

Political pundits watching the match stated that the fight was unfair, as Obama continued to crowd McCain and insisted on using illegal kicks.

Although Obama won the match, it was all for naught as, although American's love violence, they still won't be able to get over the fact that he chose Joe Biden as a running mate.

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Nation Shocked, Appalled By Campaign Lip-Synching Scandal

Presidential Candidate Obama Linked To Lip-Synch Disgrace

The nation was shocked last week to learn that all presidential campaign debates have been postponed when it was revealed that Democratic hopeful Barack Obama was using another's voice rather than his own during the year's debates.

It has been gathered that the source of the "phantom voice" is none other than Laurence Fishburne.

"I am outraged," states 1932 Republican candidate Phillip S. Gallagher III of Massachusetts.

"I may be old, but in my day people would nev..." began Mr. Gallagher before passing away quietly from extreme old age. He was 113.

Fishburne's epic role as Morpheus in the hit Matrix Trilogy proved to be a more compelling leader, most think. The fact that Obama has been called a "nerd" and a "McFly" seems to have persuaded the candidate to opt for a stronger voice, even if nothing can be done (at the moment) for his scrawny and duck-like appearance.

Obama could not be reached for comment, nor could John McCain as he was throwing a tantrum at his favourite restaurant Old Smoky's over his lost screen time.

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THIS JUST IN

Here are some films that are due out at the end of the year. Both are in post-production. Both look like they could either really suck or be really awesome. You decide.

I. W.

Oliver Stone has concluded filming on his newest "work" W.

This "film" will recount the life and "presidency" of George W. Bush, with Josh Brolin playing the lead character. Richard Dreyfuss was cast as Dick Cheney. Lawl.

For a full cast list, including Ellen Burstyn and James Cromwell, and poor excuses to make this film, mostly from Stone himself, please visit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W._%28film%29

For a shitty trailer, here's this.

W. is slated for release October 17, 2008.

II. The Day The Earth Stood Still

In this remake of the 1951 classic, Keanu Reeves plays Klaatu. Great. I'll watch it, though.

The film is to stay true to the original and truer still to the short story the original was based on, "Farewell to the Master". Even still, Michael Rennie and Robert Wise are spinning in their graves as we speak.

Here is the full cast list and here is an excuse from the director.

The Day the Earth Stood Still is scheduled to be released 12 December, 2008. This could change due to filming extensions, most likely due to Reeves' fucking up somehow.

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HE'S AT IT AGAIN!

Look out, women's swim teams!

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ON A HAPPIER NOTE

TODAY IS 12 August, 2008.

Birthdays:

George Soros - Political Activist / rich bastard

George Hamilton - Actor / womanizer

Dominique Swain - Actress from Lolita / Girl

William Goldman - Screenwriter of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid / The Princess Bride

Jacques Tits - Hilariously named mathematician

Jim Beaver - Actor / goes well with above

Sir Mix A Lot - Rapper / (Jacques) Tits enthusiast

Events:

30 BC - Cleopatra offs herself

1908 - First Model T built, allowing Henry Ford to promote anti-semitism at a cool speed of 15 MPH

Deaths:

Joseph P. Kennedy - Brother of John. You know, the one who was supposed to be president.

Ian Fleming - Author of the James Bond books. You know, the one rolling over in his grave.

Henry Fonda - Actor

Jean-Michel Basquiat - Painter / drug addict

Merv Griffin - Asshole

TODAY IS ALSO United Nations International Youth Day. Glorious Twelfth starts today (killing season for Red Grouse in the UK).

This has been my commentary for 12 August, 2008.

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EVERYONE IS DYING!

SRSLY, EVERYONE! Here is a list of ACTORS so far this year.

8/10/2008 - Isaac Hayes

8/09/2008 - Bernie Mac

7/22/2008 - Estelle Getty

6/22/2008 - George Carlin

5/29/2008 - Harvey Korman

5/26/2008 - Sydney Pollack

4/05/2008 - Charlton Heston

3/18/2008 - Anthony Minghella

1/22/2008 - Heath Ledger

1/15/2008 - Brad Renfro

Hey TOM CRUISE: Look out.

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SNEAK-PEEK AT MY NEWEST SCREENPLAY

HERE IS AN INSIDE LOOK at my newest (as of yet UNTITLED) script, for your pleasure:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FADE IN:

WE OPEN ON -

EXT. PHOENIX, ARIZONA - WIDE ESTABLISHING SHOT - LATE AFTERNOON

The freeways are clogged with after-work commuters. The sound of horns honking and traffic fill the hot, dry air.

PRESTON

(voice-over/narrating)

I don't have much to live for. I smoke, I drink. I drive fast cars and date even faster women. Every second is filled with excitement. Parties often begin at nine but don't start until I enter the room. I've been to Europe and Australia and visited pyramids on two continents. I've boated on the Indian and Pacific and fly across the Atlantic for fun. Everything I do, I do it for enjoyment and rarely get any sleep.

I have my thumb on the pulse of pop-culture, like a phantom heartbeat, I'm really feeling my own genius projected out to the idols of today who project it out to the sheep. I'm A-list, I'm first class. Like Frank said, "I'm a number one, top of the list". I've never lost a bet and my price is never cheap. So if you want to be seen with me, you'd better come with cash. I'm building a religion. Peddling perdition and with me you can rule the world.

I'd like to say that anything I just said is true, but it's not. I've never been outside of the United States, except for Mexico, but who really counts that anyway? I've been miserable most of my life and today I finally decided to kill myself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THAT'S IT. That's all you get. At the moment I'm writing this, along with "The Afterwife" and a satire/humour book. You will be UPDATED on all three as they progress.

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NEW SHERLOCK HOLMES FILMS

ARE THEY FAKE or are we in for some good times?

Columbia Pictures has announced that Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrel will team up to play Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson in a new comedy, written by Etan Cohen. Judd Apatow and Jimmy Miller are to produce. Tolmach states, "Just the idea of Sacha and Will as Sherlock Holmes and Watson makes us laugh. Sacha and Will are two of the funniest and most talented guys on the planet and having them take on these two iconic characters is frankly hilarious."

Guy Ritchie is slated to direct a new film based on the Lionel Wigram comic "Sherlock Holmes". At this point, only one actor has been cast, and that actor is: ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. There will be more on this film as production progresses.

Personally, I am psyched about both of these films.

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TWYTTER IS YE OLDE FAYLE

"A tweet gets halfway around the world before the whale has a chance to get its fail on."
- Jacob Karnas

ONCE AGAIN FOR GOOD MEASURE: THE MT IRONSTAG SHOW

TONIGHT, I AM guesting as DR. MELVIN ROSENBLATT, PH.D. on...

THE MT IRONSTAG SHOW

I DETEST THE RADIO and most of what happens on it. Whenever I travel by automobile, I generally listen to a cd or music device. This hate does not extend to the MT Ironstag Show. Hosted by Murray (David Vick) and Flint Ironstag (Taylor Genovese), this radio program is not for the faint of heart. The MT Ironstag show is a mash-up between "local morning show" and Howard Stern; if Howard Stern was toned down to a two-and-a-half hour limit. Per week. And the FCC hadn't been notified (which they haven't).

With regular guests Manservant Jacoby (Jacob Brown), the hosts' Yugoslavian butler (who also has a strange affinity for cats: both the animal and the musical); Dr. Melvin Rosenblatt, Ph.D, a pediatric gynecologist (and also the Author's 'radio personality'), affectionately referred to as 'Dr. Jew'; as well as many, MANY others.

Although most of my Readers live elsewhere, it is still possible to listen to these grinning bastards of the airwaves. Simply visit: http://www.themtironstagshow.com for a live stream of the show Sunday nights at 7:30P-10:00P Pacific. That's 10:30P-1:00A Eastern. Again, that's 12:30A-3:00A in Sydney, Australia; 9:30A-12:00P in Thailand; and 8:00A-11:30A in India (for my two readers in Canada, two readers in Thailand, two readers in India, 5 readers in Australia and 132 readers in the United States that ARE NOT in Arizona).

Listen to them and be AMAZED. You'll feel better about yourself.

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New Airbus Likened To Titanic

Superjumbo Jet To Be Next Great Tragedy

In a shocking statement, officials for Emirates Airlines said Saturday that they would like to pay homage to the 1912 Titanic disaster. They reportedly plan on mirroring the tragedy on the maiden flight of the new Airbus A380 to New York on August 1.

The largest passenger jet in the world yet, it is said that "G-d himself could not down this plane".

Passengers include Michael Jackson, UAE billionaire Abdul Aziz Al Ghurair, and actor Crispin Glover. Emirates states they are "ready to lose such famed passengers as it will bring acclaim to [our] airline". One brash difference is that out of the 644 passengers scheduled to be on board, none will survive.

The pilots of the flight have been instructed to "bury the sucker" at or near the site of the 1912 sinking.

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Pope Benedict XVI To Speak About Sex Scandal And How To Accept It

Pope Condones "Kid Touching", Says It Makes G-d Happy

Pope Benedict arrived in Syndey, Australia for the Roman Catholic church's youth festival Saturday. Reportedly, he will rest for three days before joining the festivities of World Youth Day, partying in private with Archbishops, Cardinals and a consortium of altar boys from the festival between the ages of 6 and 13.

Benedict said about his role as leader of the largest church in the world, "...[We] have to give impulse to rediscovering our responsibility and to finding an [ethical] way to change our way of life."

"We have our responsibilities toward creation," he said. "We have to pork children to become closer to G-d. It makes Him happy."

Australia is the third stop-off on his "World Kid-Touching Tour", ending this year. This is also his longest visit, which the Vatican says will test the Pope's stamina.

Benedict is to be greeted at Sydney Harbor on Thursday by a group of Aborigines and other young people from the Pacific Basin. He will deliver what is expected to be an "important address". In 2001, Pope John Paul II issued a formal apology to the indigenous peoples of Australia, New Zealand and the Pacific islands for injustices perpetrated by Catholic missionaries.

Benedict plans to show how much he cares by raping their children.

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CAPTION CONTEST

I FOUND THIS photo of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and thought it was hilarious.


BUT: What is he thinking?

POST YOUR CAPTIONS.

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Iran Fires Missiles, Throws Fit

Iran Viewed As Threat, Wants To Make Sure World Notices

That asshole Mahmoud Ahmadinejad* is at it again.

In a most assholish move, much like that of North Korean "Dear Leader" Kim Jong Il, Iran has fired nine "test" missiles into the Persian Gulf. This comes only one month after Israel conducted a military drill in the Eastern Mediterranean. Both Israel and the United States have voiced concerns over the latest Iranian activities.

This is not unlike the February 2003 North Korean missile-launch that went down 60 km from the peninsula, however, it is viewed as more of a childish fit than North Korea's cry for attention. Iran, at this point, is much more like that weird kid in class that eats the glue and plays in the sandbox by himself.

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*Pronunciation: The easiest way to remember Iran's president's name, as Katie Couric has stated, is "I'm a dinner jacket". Of course, the actual pronunciation is Ahm-a-dinn-eh-jad.

For my mother (who is from Massachusetts and can't say "r"), this should suffice: "Arm a dinner jad".

President Bush "Makes Out" With Underage Japanese Girl

Bush Tongues Underage Girl At G8 Summit, Laura Approves

Over the weekend, President George W. Bush attended the G8 summit meeting and, when welcomed by a young girl, allegedly proceeded to "make out" with her as a "sign of friendship" to the Japanese people.

This folly coming late in his presidency, Bush stated, "...hey, [she] said she was 18". After his recent arrest in Germany by the self-proclaimed "World Police", Bush views this latest indiscretion as "just another misunderstanding".

"Those Japanese are weird," Bush told reporters before the summit. "After all the stuff I've seen on the interweb, I figured it was custom. She went in first, though; I just didn't want to leave her hangin'."

No charges have been filed.

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STATE OF THE WEBSITE: JUNE 2008 EDITION

KARNALYTICS: PART TWO

AS PROMISED, here is the June 2008 STATE of the WEBSITE.

Here is the World Map. As you can see, most of my readers are still in the United States. This is still because I write primarily in English. I also have a large following in Canada, our jovial and polite neighbours to the North. I have also acquired many non-readers in South America, Europe and Australia. What is a non-reader, you may ask? A non-reader is an asshole who finds their way onto my site, then leaves abruptly. This not only leaves me with a high bounce rate, but also low self-esteem. Thanks, assholes.

Clearly a jump from last time, I now have many more readers in the United States. I thank Russell Murray, Ryan McShowoff and myself (because I comment on Hodgman's page, then pull in his readers by linking [because I am shameless]). Thank you all. Instead of California (who are still big readers), it is this time New York who reads more often than my friends and family in Arizona. Tennessee has dropped off the map for some reason. I hope I didn't offend anyone.



This is New York. Most of the readers here are in the big city. Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens have the highest percentage while Ithaca, Woodside and Masbeth are giant non-reading assholes.

The graph here shows the last month's visits. Thankfully it has not dipped to below 2 readers per day. And there have only been two readers twice this month. Apparently, the fact that there is a new Gentleman's Bet regarding book publishing on 20 June really got people interested. 16 page views by 11 readers? Strange.

Here are the stats.

1. Good average time. Not as good as last time, but then I don't have California reading my page for hours on end anymore.

2. Good percentage of new visits. This means there are many more return visitors.

3. Terrible bounce rate. But it's okay. At least I have lots of readers.

4. North Dakota and Texas: drop dead.

5. Massachusetts: you're alright

Well, that's pretty much all. I hope this was informative. Not that you care. Or maybe you do, unless you're:

Texas, North Dakota, Massachusetts, Brazil, Australia, New Zealand, Greece, Morocco, Germany, the Czech Republic, the United Kingdom

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Boat Capsizes Near Malaysia, Pirates Again Called Upon

Pirates Summoned To Search For Missing Capsized Boat Passengers

Bad weather is again to blame for the sinking of yet another boat, this time off the coast of Kuala Lumpur. Officials have released statements that all fourteen passengers were Indonesian and may have been attempting to enter Malaysia illegally.

Six passengers are missing, with six having drowned leaving only a 40-year-old man and 25-year-old woman surviving, officials say. The government has called in the Pirates to navigate the waters in search of the others.

This comes only days after the Pirates' expedition to find a capsized ferry in the Philippines. The ferry was capsized due to bad weather caused by Typhoon Fengshen, leaving more than 155 dead on the mainland and 740 missing at sea.

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George Carlin: Dead At 71

Comedian Carlin Passes Away

In an unfortunate turn of events, famed comedian and actor George Carlin passed away Sunday 22 June, 2008 at 5:55P. The cause of death has been noted as either a "massive heart attack" or heart failure. He was 71.

Carlin, known for his brash, edgy humour and gravelly voice, was reportedly admitted to St. John's Health Center, located in Santa Monica, Cali. He was complaing of chest pains and shortness of breath, not uncommon as Carlin had a historyn of cardiovascular problems and had previously suffered multiple heart attacks.

ALSO: As a final word honouring Mr. Carlin, "Fuck".

For more information on George Carlin's life, humour and career:

George Carlin - Wikipedia.org

George Carlin - imdb.com

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

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Typhoon Sinks Ferry, Pirates Called In For Help

Fengshen Devastates the Philippines, Pirates Called In

Our Pirate friends have been granted amnesty with another ferry sinking, this time in the Philippines at the hands of the typhoon Fengshen. Reports state that the typhoon capsized the ferry 'Princess of the Stars', leaving more than 740 passengers missing this morning.

At first glance, most would have been thinking: Pirates!

But no. Not this time.

Our heroes were called in by local governments after Fengshen left 155 dead and submerged entire communities. The Red Cross and and Coast Guard have stepped back to let the Pirates "do their thing".

It is believed that a giant air pocket could be keeping survivors trapped aboard the vessel alive. The Pirates have labelled this their first priority.

"They haven't seen anyone. They're scouring the area. They're studying the direction of the waves to determine where survivors may have drifted," coast guard spokesman Lt. Senior Grade Arman Balilo said.

Vice Admiral Philippe S. Gallagos of the Philippine Navy also stated, "They really know the seas and we are fortunate for their cooperation."

As a side note, Gene Hackman and Ernest Borgnine have been called in to aid in the search for survivors aboard the capsized vessel once it is found.

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8 Out Of 10 Scientists Agree: Emo Kids, Cowboys Share Same Genetic Make-Up

New Study Breaks Barrier Between Rival High School Genres

In a stunning discovery, geneticists in Stockholm, Sweden have finally proven the link between Emo kids and cowboys. The Stockholm Brain Institute says that 8 out of 10 scientists agree on the new breakthrough's findings.

The Swedish study compared the size of the brain's halves in 90 subjects between the age of 13 and 25. Emo kids and cowboys had halves of a similar size, while the right side was bigger in everyone else, especially heterosexual men and lesbian women.

Scientists have noticed for some time that emo kids and cowboys have differences in certain cognitive abilities, suggesting there may be subtle differences in their brain structure. This would explain the difference in music choice.

Dr. Phillip S. Gallagher, a US scientist, stated this is evidence that not only is sexual orientation set in the womb, but so are high school factions and cliques.

"Look at them," said Gallagher, "I mean seriously look at them. They both wear skin-tight jeans and tons of black. They both wear bandanas and sometimes plaid, and I know at least one cowboy in Arizona who has his labret pierced and nipple rings. And hell, they both mope around a lot."

"They also like to take pictures of themselves with no shirts on," he also stated.

When questioned about the neurological findings, Dr. Gallagher stated that he "had to get going".

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HERE IS AN EPIC VEHICLE

PERHAPS, WHEN IT IS AVAILABLE I will own one of these. This is the Nissan Pivo 2, a smart electric car.



It looks like it belongs in Whoville, I know, but how amazing would it be to drive through town in something that resembles a Nintendo Wii?*

Also: It is equipped with a cabin that swivels. NO NEED FOR A REVERSE FUNCTION.

The driver sits in the center of the cab, erasing blind spots all together.

And with the cost of gas these days, it wouldn't be embarrassing to drive (I wouldn't be embarrassed at all).

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Last Week In Review

Royal Nudity Scandal, Ex-Refugee Celebrity Is A Red, Obama Vows To Destroy Economy

Princess Caught In The Buff, Given A Stern 'Talking To'

Princess Eugenie, daughter of Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and Sarah Ferguson and sixth in line to the British throne was given a very stern talking to and duly reprimanded by Marlborough College staff after being caught frolicking in the nude with female schoolmates. The 18-year-old was aprehended for involvment in what the school is calling "end of term high jinks". It was claimed that there was drinking.

"It was nothing more than high jinks at the end of term in May. A group of them were reprimanded and that's the end of the matter," says royal spokesman Phillip Gallagher. "When you think of all the women Prince Charles buggered when he was off at Trinity College, this is but a minor indiscretion. Very minor, indeed."

The Princess was to attend the Queen's Birthday festivities until it was announced there would be an open bar.



Elian Gonzalez Turns Red

Now 14-years-old, Elian Gonzalez has joined the Cuba's Young Communist Union, stating that he will never let down ex-President Fidel Castro and his brother Raul Castro. He has in the past also stated that he views Fidel Castro not only as a friend, but as a father-figure.

This, however, is all according to the Communist youth newspaper Juventud Rebelde and is probably just Commie bunk. United States officials have opted to "just ignore the situation" much in the same way Eastern Europe did with Adolf Hitler, hoping it will all just go away.



Obama Plans To "Do United States In" With New Retirement Savings Idea

Democratic candidate Barack Obama has an idea: have the government pay for people's retirement.
With Social Security out of the way, Obama says that American's are doing a "lousy job saving for their Golden Years". Why not have the government step in and match up to $500 USD in retirement for families earning under $75,000 USD annually? According to analysts, the plan would help 78 million Americans but alsom cost the federal government $18.8 billion USD per year.

According to Obama-supporter and business professor at University of Virginia's Darden School of Business Ronald Wilcox, a 30-year-old worker contributing $1,000 USD per year with the matched $500 USD would, by age 65, have accumulated $145,000 USD, assuming a 5% average return after inflation- at the cost of $658 BILLION USD +.

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President Bush Speaks In Germany, Sent To Jail

U.S. President George Bush Makes Final Official Visit To Europe, Promptly Arrested

George W. Bush spoke at a press conference after speaking with Deutsch Chancellor Angela Merkel. This is part of a six-nation tour that will ultimately mark the last visit to Europe of his presidency. His last tour of Europe took place in 2007 where he visited such unpopular countries as Bulgaria, the Czech Republic and Albania, where he was greeted as a hero. This is most likely because, as is a known fact, Eastern Europe does not have television.

Directly after saying their good-byes, the newly instated "World Police" unit, or WPU, handcuffed the president and led him off to a Berlin jail. The "World Police", created soon after the opening invasion of Iraqattaq, had been awaiting this visit since its announcement as they missed their chance at nabbing the 'war-monger' on his not-so-publicized trip last year. When asked what the charges were, one member of the WPU replied in a very heavy french-accent, with the smell of bourbon on his breath, one charge of being a 'coq' and 'menny, menny, veghry(?) menny sharjez of illegal war'.

"American Vice-President Dick Cheney, you're next," stated WPU team leader Henri Brandeaux, while eating what appeared to be a baguette. A moment later, after chewing, he continued while lighting a cigarette, "under two charges of being an ass."

More on this as it progresses.

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G8 Meeting Links Oil Prices To Global Recession

Nations World-Wide Under Pressure From Surging Petrolium Costs

Wait. Seriously? Are you for real?

Oh never mind. We've KNOWN THAT.

It was predicted by George Soros, financial speculator and political activist worth approximately $8.5 billion, that when the United Kingdom and the United States are in recession, the "bubble" will burst, referring to the slipping USD and slipping oil supply in the Middle East causing problems for global economies.

DUH! He said it. Right there, he totally said it.

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Obama Wins Democratic Ticket, Vows To Destroy Machines

Obama Takes Nomination, Something About "The One"

In a historic event, presidential hopeful Barack Hussein Obama captured the Democratic nomination making him the first African-American in history to win the presidential nomination for any major party.

During his speech Tuesday night, Obama stated, "believe me when I say we have a difficult time ahead of us but if we are to be prepared for it we must first shed our fear of it."

"I stand here without fear because I remember. I remember that I am here not because of the path that lay before me but because of the path that lies behind me," he continued.

When asked how he planned to celebrate his victory, Obama sent the crowd into frenzy. "Let us shake this cave! Tonight let us tremble these walls of earth, steel and stone! Let us be heard from red core to black sky!"

More on this as it progresses.

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I'M WRITING A BOOK

Yes, it's true.

And for some reason, people don't take me seriously when I say that I am, in fact, writing a book. Especially my mother. In all seriousness, though, I plan to do so and none of you can stop me now.

As some of you know, I prefer typing on an actual typewriter than typing on a computer. This is because I've lost many scripts that I (stupidly) did not back-up in any other way. Over the last few (three) weeks, I've been pounding away on my Remington. So far, the first few (three) chapters are complete.

To be honest, I find myself hilarious. My writing, not 'myself'. I'm very serious when I need to be and absolutely nothing to laugh about. Sometimes I just can't help laughing at my own work.

Me writing a page for the second chapter:

Me laughing at the sheer brilliance that is written on that same page:

Here is the Remington that I use to produce the brilliance:

And no, that wasn't Hodgman's book. I prefer to write after myself rather than use the same writing form and manuevers found in other authors' writings. Seriously, use this photo instead:

Someday soon, at your local Borders or Barnes and Noble, you'll be seeing this face:
Of course it will be done in a better light and my hair look much better. And it will not be of me in that bedroom. It will SHOCK YOU and you'll probably buy it.

More updates regarding this LATER.

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Man Reaches Everest Summit, Finds Out It's Been Done Before

Elderly Man's Dream Preceded By Fifty Years and Hundreds of Others

Min Bahadur Sherchan, a 76-year-old Nepalese man, reached the 8,848 foot high summit of Mt. Everest today only to find out that he's 55 years too late.

A life-long dream of Sherchan, he became interested in climbing the mountain when he was in his early twenties. A wager was placed between Sherchan and Nepalese sherpa Tenzing Norgay on who could reach the top first. Unknown to Sherchan until now, Sherpa Tenzing enlisted the aid of famed New Zealander Sir Edmund Hillary.

After bidding his family and friends good-bye almost 60 years ago, he began his long trek towards the "top of the world". His trip was halted several times, however, by the various wise-men sitting cross-legged in thought, whistling out of tune to themselves in their own quest for enlightenment. Sherchan recounts, "They would often ask me questions. Most of them made no sense, but I just couldn't leave without knowing the answers".

He later found out that these questions were not meant to be answered, but to be contemplated seemingly forever in the search for true enlightenment, or "Nirvana".

"I really have no clue what a
defunct 90's grunge band has to do with enlightement," said Sherchan. "I left
them without ever finding the answer to that."

Continuing his quest for the top, Sherchan finally reached his goal only to realise that he'd been beaten by Sherpa Tenzing and Sir Edmund Hillary who had finished the climb in May of 1953. In fact another sherpa guide had completed his eighteenth climb of the mountain just last Thursday.

Although distraught, Sherchan did not let this get in the way of his life's goal. As the oldest man to climb Everest he had beaten Katsusuke Yanagisawa, who had climbed her at the age of 71.

Sherchan reported, "Now I can die happy knowing that bastard Tenzing is already dead"

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